not really sure what i'm doing at the moment

[clemonz]

Thirst
A new exciting way to be alone
for twenty dollars inclusive of phone
calls, each month. Art and science finally
undone by a play of technology.

[billy]

most of us aren't sure
what were you aiming for

i can't get a grip on the meaning or intent of the poem.
do a bit of reverse poetry and tell us what you're writing about and i/we'll try and show you a few ways to present it. :J:

[clemonz]

lol.

well i was thinking about the way that the internet is a technology / commodity that has completely changed our (/ my) style of interaction - even the scope of human ambition.
and suggesting that's more authentically the role of poetry and art, even science - which definitely consists of wanting to know stuff for it's own sake, which is maybe opposed to wikipedia etc.

i dunno if i got the balance right, the end line seems overly serious, but it's kinda serious topic.


obviously (?) the thing about getting your phone calls free, was an attempt to include an absurd element to it. there's a couple of other things i can say in self critique - e.g. "play" carries the connotations i want, of frivolity as well as literature / acting.

[billy]

to start off, write what you mean with out any frills.
it's okay if it's prose. try and make it original. use everyday language
then pick out the relevant parts of it

internet technology
changed interaction
altered ambition
the new poetry
a new art form
free speech is a bonus

then try and work it into a poem with some connective tissue. (just a suggestion)

lol.

well i was thinking about the way that the internet is a technology / commodity that has completely changed our (/ my) style of interaction - even the scope of human ambition.
and suggesting that's more authentically the role of poetry and art, even science - which definitely consists of wanting to know stuff for it's own sake, which is maybe opposed to wikipedia etc.

i dunno if i got the balance right, the end line seems overly serious, but it's kinda serious topic.


obviously (?) the thing about getting your phone calls free, was an attempt to include an absurd element to it. there's a couple of other things i can say in self critique - e.g. "play" carries the connotations i want, of frivolity as well as literature / acting.

[clemonz]

the thread title was a typo, and i wasn't thinking of using the tread title, no.

to start off, write what you mean with out any frills.

ok, point taken.

---

billy - what would that achieve - clarity? or something more?

Broadband from £10 a month

A new exciting way to be alone
undoes the worn out dreams of art. The phone
comes free! Buy now! All prior ways to see,
lost in the play of this technology.

[billy]

it might achieve a poem.

for instance. this last effort carries much more weight as a poem (for me at least) than the original
i like the way you end the 2nd line and run on from it in the third; the wording is much more effective .the title also plays a stronger role

Thirst
A new exciting way to be alone
for twenty dollars inclusive of phone
calls, each month. Art and science finally
undone by a play of technology.

or

Broadband from £10 a month

A new exciting way to be alone
undoes the worn out dreams of art. The phone
comes free! Buy now! All prior ways to see,
lost in the play of this technology.

the latter has some decent connective tissue and so the reader might better relate to the poem.

[clemonz]

hmm ok, so not just clarity then.

you know what i'm gonna ask - what is a poem? i agree though, this isn't really... i think it's a structural deficit, but..?

---

Broadband, from £10 a month

This, our exciting way to be alone,
undoes the worn out dream of art. The phone
comes free! Buy now! All other ways to see
lost in the play of new technology.

[clemonz]

Broadband, from £10 a month

The new exciting way to be alone,
undoes a worn out dream, our art. The phone
comes free! Buy now! All prior ways to see
lost in the play of this technology.



an improvement - but i still feel utterly lost