Poem #5

[oxomiya]

Edited S1:

Stared down
By boiling eyes.
Abuses simmering
Delivered warm.

Words emanating
Punches projecting.
Not heard, not felt
But understood.

I smell the fumes
While waiting to burn
In your ire.

----
Original:

Stared down
By two big pots
Of boiling porridge

Words emanating
And punches projecting.
Not heard, not felt
But understood.

I can smell the fumes
While waiting to burn
In your ire.

[penguingina]

Interesting, though something must be a bit over my head. Is the "your" from "your ire" the two pots? It seems the narrator switched between two subjects toward which (s)he is speaking. I think it would help finish the poem off if the very last line had a strong adjective.

[oxomiya]

Thanks for your comments. I can see how my comparison of an upset person's eyes to bowls of porridge can make the poem hard to understand. Even though the intent was to walk the fine line and let the reader decide for himself whether I was a hungry man romantically writing about food or writing about being stared down and about to be yelled at, I understand how it leaves most people confused. I will have to work on S1.

Sam

Interesting, though something must be a bit over my head. Is the "your" from "your ire" the two pots? It seems the narrator switched between two subjects toward which (s)he is speaking. I think it would help finish the poem off if the very last line had a strong adjective.

[Erthona]

I thought it was a small child as he/she was "Stared down By two big pots Of boiling porridge." As though these pots were on the table and the child was looking up at them. This had already put me i the wrong frame of mind to read the next two stanzas as written.
Overall, I think the piece is just too ambiguous.

Dale

[ellajam]

I thought the pots were parents.

[ChristopherSea]

I like the idea and image of two steaming pots of porridge as angry eyes. I am having more difficuty reconciling:

Words emanating
And punches projecting.
Not heard, not felt
But understood.

Wouldn't the words have to be either heard or felt to be understood? I would re-examine this stanza. Cheers/Chris

[oxomiya]

Thanks guys... I do need to change S1.

Chris,
I was trying to invoke a feeling at a point of time. You are standing in front of someone about to be reprimanded and that someone is evidently very upset at you. There is (or can be) a time when that person stares you down. You stand there and try to imagine what he wants to say and what violent action he wants to pursue. That is what my S2 about.

[StevenA]

Edited S1:

Stared down
By boiling eyes.
Abuses simmering
Delivered warm.

Words emanating
Punches projecting.
Not heard, not felt
But understood.

I smell the fumes
While waiting to burn
In your ire.

This poem is well done. The language you used makes clear the tension here and the imagery is great. The only thing I feel the need to say is concerning the final line. I felt a bit disappointed when I reached it. It lacks the intensity I felt with the other lines. I think a good adjective would do wonders for it, insatiable is the one that comes to my mind.
But that's just me!
Again, good work.

[Sheep]

I like it. I felt as if the poem references the type of situation in general instead of specific event, and your ambiguity and overall general-ness worked great with that.

[ChristopherSea]

[quote='oxomiya' pid='152709' dateline='1390066851']
Edited S1:

Stared down
By boiling eyes.
Abuses simmering
Delivered warm.

Words emanating
Punches projecting.
Not heard, not felt
But understood.

I smell the fumes
While waiting to burn
In your ire.

I like the edit, but you are missing some punctuation. Removal of the first word caps for each line my serve you better. I am not a fan of placing 'ing' after every verb. It usually weakens their action and 'rings' the ears. Here is a possible edit:

Stared down
by boiling eyes.
Abuses simmer,
delivered warm.

Words emanate,
punches project.
Not heard, not felt,
but understood.

I smell the fumes,
while waiting to burn
in your ire.

I hope this helps. Cheers/Chris

[Thatonegirl]

I read it as a vulnerable person who is about to engage in a knock-down drag out with someone bad and scary. I could be off, but I love the tension and the sense of dread. Very nice.

[AngelOfFire]

I'm surprised at myself for liking this. Not my usual cup of tea. It just seems so appropriate. Anger and heat. That's how it feels. Good job.

[Bahdriel]

I like the second stanza. You don't need to hear the words or feel the punches to understand the message of anger, the anger is self evident. I think the short lines help to make the atmosphere more heated.