Still Life with Piano and Seagull

[DonMar]

Revised version A 20.01. Other edits still under consideration.
------------------------------------------------------------
After a fitful sleep
devoid of dreams,
I paused at my window,
and beheld a black piano,
stranded on a sandbar
in a sparkling blue bay.

An ivory seagull
circled the instrument,
listening for a melody
in the key of air,
and water,
and sky,
and wind.

It swooped to play
the chord of loneliness,
a keening in the cry of scavengers
in their wheeling pursuit
of sustenance and love,
knowing their place
in the order of things.

The gull rose
on a current of air
to where I waited at the window.
It beat its wings slowly,
level with my face,
and I felt a strange affection
as I gazed into its golden eyes,
to smile at my reflection.

© Donna Devine

Revised version B 20.01

Circling above a black piano
stranded on a sandbar
in a sparkling blue bay,
an ivory seagull
appears to be listening to a melody
in the key of air, and water,
and sky, and wind.

It swoops as if to play
the chord of loneliness,
a keening in the cry of scavengers
in their wheeling pursuit
of sustenance and love,
knowing their place
in the order of things.

The gull rises
on a current of air
to where I wait at a window.
It beats its wings slowly,
level with my face,
and I feel a strange affection
as I gaze into its golden eyes,
to smile at my reflection.
-----------------------------
ORIGINAL version

After a broken sleep
Devoid of dreams
And with no promises to keep
I lingered at my window
And beheld a black piano
Stranded at the end of a sandbar
In a sparkling blue bay

An ivory seagull
Hovered above the instrument
Listening for a melody
In the key of air
And water
And sky
And wind
And freedom
And it swooped to play
The chord of loneliness
In the cry of scavengers
In their wheeling pursuit
Of sustenance and love
Knowing their place
In the scheme of things

The gull, rising, floated
On a current of air
To where I waited at the window
And it beat its wings slowly
Staying level with my face
And I felt a strange affection
As I gazed into its golden eyes
And smiled at my reflection

© Donna Devine

[Leanne]

After a broken sleep -- I wonder if there's not a stronger word than "broken" to use here -- it makes your opening line just a little bland
Devoid of dreams
And with no promises to keep
I lingered at my window
And beheld a black piano -- this sounds a bit unnatural -- perhaps "where I glimpsed a black piano"
Stranded at the end of a sandbar
In a sparkling blue bay -- I like the picture, and the juxtaposition of music and nature -- perhaps another adjective besides "sparkling blue", which is borderline cliche

An ivory seagull -- nice play on "ivory"
Hovered above the instrument -- you could probably remove this line and go with "listened for a melody", as its hovering is implied later
Listening for a melody
In the key of air
And water
And sky
And wind
And freedom
And it swooped to play
The chord of loneliness
In the cry of scavengers
In their wheeling pursuit
Of sustenance and love
Knowing their place
In the scheme of things -- a bit of a cliche

The gull, rising, floated
On a current of air
To where I waited at the window -- maybe just "to my window"
And it beat its wings slowly
Staying level with my face -- do you need "staying"?
And I felt a strange affection
As I gazed into its golden eyes
And smiled at my reflection

© Donna Devine

Lovely ending, Donna, and a very peaceful poem that brings together some of my favourite motifs. There's a bit of editing that can be done here but it's well worth workshopping.

[Keith]

After a broken sleep
Devoid of dreams
And with no promises to keep Not sure what this line adds
I lingered at my window
And beheld a black piano beheld sounds out of place
Stranded at the end of a sandbar
In a sparkling blue bay a nice vivid image

An ivory seagull
Hovered above the instrument
Listening for a melody I like this a lot
In the key of air Not sure what you are going for here
And water
And sky
And wind
And freedom
And it swooped to play
The chord of loneliness I like the musical word play here
In the cry of scavengers another nice image
In their wheeling pursuit
Of sustenance and love
Knowing their place
In the scheme of things

The gull, rising, floated
On a current of air
To where I waited at the window
And it beat its wings slowly no need for And
Staying level with my face
And I felt a strange affection
As I gazed into its golden eyes
And smiled at my reflection

© Donna Devine

Hi DonMar I enjoyed your poem, the feeling of melancholy comes across really well and you give the reader some nice strong images, I would ask you to reduce some of the filling words including the overuse of And. I'm not a lover of starting each line with a capital as it distracts the reader, for me, correctly used punctuation allows you to control the way your poem is read. I have added some comments above and I hope they are of some use. Best Keith

[billy]

some of the themes you have (sea, music, dreams,) are well woven throughout the poem. it has a surreal feel to it which the last line adds to more than other lines. just a few nits which wouldn't take long to do if you'd a mind to.

thanks for the read.

After a broken sleep broken sleep feels cliche
Devoid of dreams
And with no promises to keep this line feels apart from the poem. is it needed?
I lingered at my window
And beheld a black piano
Stranded at the end of a sandbar unusual is good in this case. i like the S's
In a sparkling blue bay another word instead of sparkling?

An ivory seagull
Hovered above the instrument
Listening for a melody
In the key of air
And water
And sky
And wind
And freedom i like the premise that nature is musical.
And it swooped to play
The chord of loneliness
In the cry of scavengers
In their wheeling pursuit
Of sustenance and love not sure love works in this instance,
Knowing their place
In the scheme of things i think you have a very little editing to do with this stanza.

The gull, rising, floated
On a current of air
To where I waited at the window
And it beat its wings slowly only needs and or it, not both
Staying level with my face
And I felt a strange affection
As I gazed into its golden eyes
And smiled at my reflection i like this line, aqnd how it shows the 1st person to be the gull.

© Donna Devine

[just mercedes]

Hi - I just wrote a long exploration of your poem then we had a 6.3 earthquake and my note vanished. I'll try to come back to it.

[Leanne]

-- any excuse

Sorry, sidetrack, but who could let that pass?

[just mercedes]

-- any excuse

Sorry, sidetrack, but who could let that pass?

Damn I hate these things. It's just not natural.

[DonMar]

Thank you all for your comments and helpful feedback.
(Mercedes, I'd like to think the poem shook the earth beneath your feet. )

I've made some changes in the meantime. After posting Revision A, I posted another version underneath that one. In Revision B, I've changed S1 completely. I'd be interested to know what you think of either of the revisions.

Donna

[Todd]

Hi Donna, I'm a little late to this one, and while I see your note about considering the other edits, I'll confine my comments to the latest revision.

Revised version A 20.01. Other edits still under consideration.
------------------------------------------------------------
After a fitful sleep--I'm wondering what fitful really adds. "After sleep devoid of dreams" might be enough. Is it important that it was fitful sleep? Just thinking through the opening.
devoid of dreams,
I paused at my window,
and beheld a black piano,
stranded at the end of a sandbar
in a sparkling blue bay.--So, we're seeing elements of color that give us the sense that perhaps this is the dream.

An ivory seagull
circled the instrument,
listening for a melody
in the key of air,--I really like this. Lovely phrasing. I wonder what "and wind" adds below since I already have air.
and water,
and sky,
and wind,
and freedom.--You add an abstract concept that might be better expressed by cutting this line and relying on the next line's action to take us there subtly.
It swooped to play
the chord of loneliness
keening in the cry of scavengers--You have two "____ of _____ constructions on top of one another. I run into this with my own writing and it comes off as a weaker poetic structure than you could get to with some more thought. I'd consider other options here. I like the ideas just not how their structured.
in their wheeling pursuit
of sustenance and love,
knowing their place
in the order of things.

The gull, rising, floated--I wonder if you need both words here. "rose" might get you there.
on a current of air
to where I waited at the window.
It beat its wings slowly,
level with my face,
and I felt a strange affection
as I gazed into its golden eyes,
and smiled at my reflection.--to smile might be another choice here.

© Donna Devine

It's a soft, reflective piece, and I enjoyed the read.

I hope the comments will be helpful in some way.

Best,

Todd

[DonMar]

Todd, thank you for your comments/suggestions. Very useful indeed.

Donna

Hi Donna, I'm a little late to this one, and while I see your note about considering the other edits, I'll confine my comments to the latest revision.

Revised version A 20.01. Other edits still under consideration.
------------------------------------------------------------
After a fitful sleep--I'm wondering what fitful really adds. "After sleep devoid of dreams" might be enough. Is it important that it was fitful sleep? Just thinking through the opening. I'll ponder this. The notion of fitful was to imply a restlessness, unease, which, by the end of the poem, has vanished (when the narrator gazes into the seagull's golden eyes and recognises the kindred spirit).
devoid of dreams,
I paused at my window,
and beheld a black piano,
stranded at the end of a sandbar
in a sparkling blue bay.--So, we're seeing elements of color that give us the sense that perhaps this is the dream. Interesting observation. There was no dream, but yes, the introduction of colour - and the surreal aspect of a piano on a sandbar - implies a dream-like state.

An ivory seagull
circled the instrument,
listening for a melody
in the key of air,--I really like this. Lovely phrasing. I wonder what "and wind" adds below since I already have air. Thank you. I've used both 'air' and 'wind', as I had in mind still air as well as a strong wind.
and water,
and sky,
and wind,
and freedom.--You add an abstract concept that might be better expressed by cutting this line and relying on the next line's action to take us there subtly. I agree. Good point.
It swooped to play
the chord of loneliness
keening in the cry of scavengers--You have two "____ of _____ constructions on top of one another. I run into this with my own writing and it comes off as a weaker poetic structure than you could get to with some more thought. I'd consider other options here. I like the ideas just not how their structured. I see your point, and will re-think these lines.
in their wheeling pursuit
of sustenance and love,
knowing their place
in the order of things.

The gull, rising, floated--I wonder if you need both words here. "rose" might get you there. I agree.
on a current of air
to where I waited at the window.
It beat its wings slowly,
level with my face,
and I felt a strange affection
as I gazed into its golden eyes,
and smiled at my reflection.--to smile might be another choice here. Agreed.

© Donna Devine

It's a soft, reflective piece, and I enjoyed the read.

I hope the comments will be helpful in some way.

Best,

Todd