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Thanks to those of you who have read and made suggestions….
Fortune - First Edit
Impartial winds prop up the old and leaning
then turn their backs and blow them to the ground.
Ironic or sincere? Blind to meaning,
nature neither fickle nor profound.
Torrential flood submits to desert drought,
warm island disappears in shifting sea,
the innocent will suffer, die for naught;
fate does not remember or foresee.
Oblivious, we walk in smug conceit,
though nature does not promise any day;
surprised when troubles force us to retreat,
when what was solid suddenly gives way.
We travel here on steeply inclined planes,
struggling with imaginary reins.
_______________________________________
Impartial winds prop up the old and leaning
then turn their backs and blow them to the ground.
Sincerity or irony? Blind to meaning,
nature neither fickle nor profound.
Torrential flood submits to desert drought,
warm island disappears in shifting sea,
some will suffer, others die for naught;
yet fate does not remember or foresee.
We walk oblivious in smug conceit,
though nature does not promise any day;
surprised when troubles force us to retreat,
when what was solid suddenly gives way.
We travel here on steeply inclined planes,
still struggling with imaginary reins.
The rhymes are forced here, but in a not so obvious way.
does not promise any day
is an example.
It doesn't run smoothly from line to line, your wording has it feeling stiff.
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You are right, I seem to have a penchant for unnaturally stiff wording. I am working on it and hoping to improve. Thanks for your comments.
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(01-16-2014, 01:24 AM)beaufort Wrote: Impartial winds prop up the old and leaning
then turn their backs and blow them to the ground. Don't like then. I'd lose it
Sincerity or irony? Blind to meaning, the sincerity/irony thought is interesting, but vocally it doesn't flow well. Perhaps find a way to spit them?
nature neither fickle nor profound.
Torrential flood submits to desert drought,
warm island disappears in shifting sea,
some will suffer, others die for naught;
yet fate does not remember or foresee.
We walk oblivious in smug conceit, opening with oblivious flows better IMO. "Oblivious we walk"
though nature does not promise any day; this needs revision
surprised when troubles force us to retreat,
when what was solid suddenly gives way. Great line
We travel here on steeply inclined planes,
still struggling with imaginary reins. Love this closing, if I'm correct in imagining the incline downwards. The reins image is excellent too
As Rowens mentioned, the rhyme and rhythm is a little pushed, but a little tidying and this will be really strong. Great subject matter too.
Thanks a million
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(01-16-2014, 01:24 AM)beaufort Wrote: Impartial winds prop up the old and leaning
then turn their backs and blow them to the ground. Should it be 'turns their backs? The sense of the image isn't quite clear for me here.
Sincerity or irony? Blind to meaning, Suggest 'Ironic or sincere' for a smoother flow.
nature neither fickle nor profound.
Torrential flood submits to desert drought,
warm island disappears in shifting sea,
some will suffer, others die for naught;
yet fate does not remember or foresee.
We walk oblivious in smug conceit,
though nature does not promise any day; Awkward phrasing. Perhaps something like 'Though nature promises no perfect day'. Just a random example. 
surprised when troubles force us to retreat, I like these two lines.
when what was solid suddenly gives way.
We travel here on steeply inclined planes, Would the flow be smoother as 'Travelliing here on steeply inclined planes/We struggle with imaginary reins'? Interestingly, I perceive the planes as being upward - much like the hill that Sisyphus was forced to climb.
still struggling with imaginary reins. Very nice image.
Honour the Earth. Without it, we'd be nowhere.
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Thanks tomoffing and DonMar for the reading and for your suggestions. I will be posting an edit in the next day or two and will be incorporating some of your suggestions. I appreciate it.
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(01-16-2014, 01:24 AM)beaufort Wrote: Impartial winds prop up the old and leaning
then turn their backs and blow them to the ground.
Sincerity or irony? Blind to meaning,
nature neither fickle nor profound. Good rhyme of "ground" and "profound", and I like your conveyance of Nature's indifference thus far.
Torrential flood submits to desert drought,
warm island disappears in shifting sea,
some will suffer, others die for naught; Whereas opposites (e.g. "flood" and "drought") have been previously deployed, this line seems to stay on a similar tack in both clauses. Just an observation.
yet fate does not remember or foresee. Another good rhyme.
We walk oblivious in smug conceit,
though nature does not promise any day; I really like "promise any day"; it's a very subtle phrase. Should "nature", as you're personifying it, be capitalised?
surprised when troubles force us to retreat,
when what was solid suddenly gives way. Is "suddenly" needed? I feel like the rhythm, and thus the rhyme, would be stronger without it.
We travel here on steeply inclined planes,
still struggling with imaginary reins.
I really enjoyed this poem. It's not rich in narrative, being more just a vague philosophical muse, but it's very well-constructed, concise and smart. Critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read 
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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Many thanks to all of you who have helped this along
Fortune - First Edit
Impartial winds prop up the old and leaning
then turn their backs and blow them to the ground.
Ironic or sincere? Blind to meaning,
nature neither fickle nor profound.
Torrential flood submits to desert drought,
warm island disappears in shifting sea,
the innocent will suffer, die for naught;
fate does not remember or foresee.
Oblivious, we walk in smug conceit,
though nature does not promise any day;
surprised when troubles force us to retreat,
when what was solid suddenly gives way.
We travel here on steeply inclined planes,
struggling with imaginary reins.
Thank you Heslopian, I appreciate your comments and have incorporated some of your suggestions into the first edit. I left in "suddenly" because I am trying to stick with pentameter. I agree that is is more vaguely philosophical than anything else - am not particularly proud of that, but am trying to move towards more. Many thanks for the read and suggestions.
BedsideFungus, I am never alarmed by hash and slash! The more the merrier. I appreciate your reading this and thought your comments were succinct and helpful.
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