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Joined: Sep 2011
The light toy-railway is traveling,
with the kids who aren’t anymore.
To Paris, to Brussels is traveling,
to the Black Africa too.
The light toy-railway is grieving,
for the fawn’s steps under Christmas tree,
for the luster in the eyes and
ah, for the toys.
For the Blue Bird, for the white photos,
for the hand that is putting the little star.
For the dream that’s coming true.
The light toy-railway is traveling.
Traveling.
'Because the barbarians will arrive today;and they get bored with eloquence and orations.' CP Cavafy
The light toy-railway is traveling,
with the kids who aren’t anymore.
Not a strong line.
To Paris, to Brussels is traveling,
Maybe it's worded this way because it's like a song.
to the Black Africa too.
The light toy-railway is grieving,
for the fawn’s steps under Christmas tree,
for the luster in the eyes and
ah, for the toys.
For the Blue Bird, for the white photos,
for the hand that is putting the little star.
For the dream that’s coming true.
Simply, you can rewrite all of that. You have enough things there to work with, but it's not going well. Rework it a few times till you get something better is all I know.
The light toy-railway is traveling.
Traveling.
Posts: 48
Threads: 18
Joined: Sep 2011
(12-27-2013, 12:19 AM)rowens Wrote: The light toy-railway is traveling,
with the kids who aren’t anymore.
Not a strong line.
To Paris, to Brussels is traveling,
Maybe it's worded this way because it's like a song.
to the Black Africa too.
The light toy-railway is grieving,
for the fawn’s steps under Christmas tree,
for the luster in the eyes and
ah, for the toys.
For the Blue Bird, for the white photos,
for the hand that is putting the little star.
For the dream that’s coming true.
Simply, you can rewrite all of that. You have enough things there to work with, but it's not going well. Rework it a few times till you get something better is all I know.
The light toy-railway is traveling.
Traveling.
Thanks for your feedback. I think the problem is that the poem is a translation from another language. I guess that sounds strange in American linguistic culture. This is what I can share.
'Because the barbarians will arrive today;and they get bored with eloquence and orations.' CP Cavafy
Posts: 9
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Joined: Jan 2014
A translation from Bulgarian? I see that is where you were born so if so, I want to thank you for attempting to translate it for us, much appreciated! I can agree with rowens about the English version being rewritten, however when I reread it a couple times, a simple beauty emanates from the words. I am not saying it flows very well but the words themselves project an image that hits my heart. Thanks for sharing bogpan
"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Posts: 22
Threads: 5
Joined: Dec 2013
If this is a translation then I think this is a good attempt. I like the balanced imagery. There is a little bit of confusion about the nature of the light toy-train. And I am surprised that the motif suddenly ends. But a good poem overall.
(12-23-2013, 06:10 PM)bogpan Wrote: The light toy-railway is traveling,
with the kids who aren’t anymore.
To Paris, to Brussels is traveling,
to the Black Africa too.
The light toy-railway is grieving,
for the fawn’s steps under Christmas tree,
for the luster in the eyes and
ah, for the toys.
For the Blue Bird, for the white photos,
for the hand that is putting the little star.
For the dream that’s coming true.
The light toy-railway is traveling.
Traveling.
