A girl named Lustful Sin

[kingmicahde]

Her hair is like that of the finest silk
Laid together like a gorgeous quilt
Her eyes are intoxicating and contageous
Just one glance from her is dangerous
Her lips are pillow tops
Laying on them you never want to stop

She is beautiful, sexy, and you can not help but lust
She is gorgeous, attractive, and will make your mind gust

An old time sand hour glass, best descibes her curves
Only a shape like that can describe it, because there is no words
Breast are magnetic, and always catching untrained eyes
She knows her powers and uses them, and does not have to try
Hypnotizing is her hips, as they sway from side to side
They are like a swing or a ship amusment park ride

She is beautiful, sexy, and you can not help but lust
She is gorgeous, attractive, and will make your mind gust

I can not have her she is not mine
I can not stop looking is it a crime
I want her but do not know her name
I can not have her it is a shame
She is gone and will never see her again
I will always remember her I will call her Lustful Sin

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Hope you all enjoy this poem. I am trying to get back into writing more. Your opinion and critisism is welcome. I will be trying to post frequently so if you like this one stay posted

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Any feedback at all? Like it not like it? Anything?

[rowens]

It's pretty bad. The rhymes, the phrasing, all of it.

[kingmicahde]

duly noted

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It's pretty bad. The rhymes, the phrasing, all of it.

Would you mind elaberating?

[rowens]

You don't put much into the lines other than what you need to get to the next rhyme. So the lines lack depth and feel fragmented and awkwardly phrased.

[kingmicahde]

You don't put much into the lines other than what you need to get to the next rhyme. So the lines lack depth and feel fragmented and awkwardly phrased.

I see. Don't care for the similes or metaphors throughout?
Have you ever lusted for someone that you don't know and only see in passing?

[rowens]

The subject of your poem is fine. It's a good subject to write about. It's just not written very well. Some of what you say would read better if you worked out the images, metaphors and things without forcing your lines to rhyme. You can rhyme, there's nothing wrong with that, but not at the expense of better working out the other things. Maybe the best way to explain is that it feels rushed.

[kingmicahde]

The subject of your poem is fine. It's a good subject to write about. It's just not written very well. Some of what you say would read better if you worked out the images, metaphors and things without forcing your lines to rhyme. You can rhyme, there's nothing wrong with that, but not at the expense of better working out the other things. Maybe the best way to explain is that it feels rushed.

Hmm see as a person against the "freeverse" style I see where you are coming from I feel the direct opposite so I guess we have to agree to disagree. My word choice was used to make a rhyme yes there is other words that can be used there is always other words that can be used. As a non freeverse poet I use words that do rhyme. But as for being rushed I am not sure how you interpreted that maybe a better word would be chopy due to the lines being short in some areas

[rowens]

Another thing to consider is your rhythm, then there are the punctuation and spelling and other basic grammar issues.

[milo]

The subject of your poem is fine. It's a good subject to write about. It's just not written very well. Some of what you say would read better if you worked out the images, metaphors and things without forcing your lines to rhyme. You can rhyme, there's nothing wrong with that, but not at the expense of better working out the other things. Maybe the best way to explain is that it feels rushed.

Hmm see as a person against the "freeverse" style I see where you are coming from I feel the direct opposite so I guess we have to agree to disagree. My word choice was used to make a rhyme yes there is other words that can be used there is always other words that can be used. As a non freeverse poet I use words that do rhyme. But as for being rushed I am not sure how you interpreted that maybe a better word would be chopy due to the lines being short in some areas

Writing with rhyme requires an understanding of meter which is a pretty difficult skill all by itself.

The choices aren't just "free verse" or "forced rhyme" btw, rhyme can be written to sound quite natural and pleasant. This poem just doesn't manage that.

[kingmicahde]

Another thing to consider is your rhythm, then there are the punctuation and spelling and other basic grammar issues.

rhythm and grammer possibly puntuation falls under grammer so also a possiblly spelling haha ya I can't spell. But as a recording artist the way you see things when you read them aloud is two different things so the Rhythm is a debatable thing. I also have to say grammer just because someone says something differently in poetry does not make one more the right way and the other wrong. Shakespere for example.

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The subject of your poem is fine. It's a good subject to write about. It's just not written very well. Some of what you say would read better if you worked out the images, metaphors and things without forcing your lines to rhyme. You can rhyme, there's nothing wrong with that, but not at the expense of better working out the other things. Maybe the best way to explain is that it feels rushed.

Hmm see as a person against the "freeverse" style I see where you are coming from I feel the direct opposite so I guess we have to agree to disagree. My word choice was used to make a rhyme yes there is other words that can be used there is always other words that can be used. As a non freeverse poet I use words that do rhyme. But as for being rushed I am not sure how you interpreted that maybe a better word would be chopy due to the lines being short in some areas

Writing with rhyme requires an understanding of meter which is a pretty difficult skill all by itself.

The choices aren't just "free verse" or "forced rhyme" btw, rhyme can be written to sound quite natural and pleasant. This poem just doesn't manage that.

I am eating my pudding because pudding is good

[billy]

your poem isn't very good, people are trying to say it in a nice way but you're not allowing them too.
while there are a couple of decent lines init. most of it is pretty mundane and flat.

She is beautiful, sexy, and you can not help but lust
She is gorgeous, attractive, and will make your mind gust

the above two lines are indicative of poets who haven't yet learnt enough of the craft to see they're very very weak. the rhymes are forced and many of the words carry no thought or idea. what is beautiful, what is gorgeous? my dog's gorgeous. my shoes are attractive. tell us how or why she's gorgeous.

you have two options as i see it, argue your point which most will see as pointless (because of the poems quality), or try to learn and understand what's being said to you and why. we're not attacking you, far from it, we want you and your poetry to improve.

[kingmicahde]

your poem isn't very good, people are trying to say it in a nice way but you're not allowing them too.
while there are a couple of decent lines init. most of it is pretty mundane and flat.

She is beautiful, sexy, and you can not help but lust
She is gorgeous, attractive, and will make your mind gust

the above two lines are indicative of poets who have yet learnt enough of the craft to see they're very very weak. the rhymes are forced and many of the words carry no thought or idea. what is beautiful, what is gorgeous? my dog's gorgeous. my shoes are attractive. tell us how or why she's gorgeous.

you have two options as i see it, argue your point which most will see as pointless (because of the poems quality), or try to learn and understand what's being said to you and why. we're not attacking you, far from it, we want you and your poetry to improve.

Thanks I completly understand that it is not attacking me. I asked for the critical stuff but when you say you don't see how she is gorgeous I ask did you read the first 6 line stanza or second? Not to mention you pulled out the line that inincluded "make your mind gust" and said it is mundane boring instead of saying she blew my mind I used gust have you ever heard that before?

[rowens]

Maybe you have the musical skills to make it sound good. On paper, or screen, there isn't much to it.

[kingmicahde]

Maybe you have the musical skills to make it sound good. On paper, or screen, there isn't much to it.

THANKS LOL

[Todd]

Hi, here are some comments for you:

Her hair is like that of the finest silk--"that of the" is filler and awkwardly phrased. It's also a fairly common (cliched) comparison to hair.
Laid together like a gorgeous quilt--Here's an example of what people are talking about when they say this has forced rhyme. Quilt is clearly there for the near rhyme with silk. Quilts aren't made of silk and the patchwork image of a quilt doesn't convey beauty or lust. A quilt would make someone think of something homespun. The image doesn't work with the hair or with the idea of lust.
Her eyes are intoxicating and contageous--spelling error: contagious. I get pink eye from this not lust. Its a bit sloppy anyway. The speaker is intoxicated by looking at her not at her eyes. There's no image to suggest that she's spreading like a lust epidemic to other people. There's a lot of telling us attributes without showing them in action. It makes this lack emotional power and fall flat.
Just one glance from her is dangerous--dangerous shares the same suffix but doesn't actually rhyme.
Her lips are pillow tops
Laying on them you never want to stop--do you actually lay on someones lips? This just reads oddly.

She is beautiful, sexy, and you can not help but lust--This is pure tell, no imagery.
She is gorgeous, attractive, and will make your mind gust--If you want to use gust you need to build up wind related imagery. As it stands it just looks like an awkward attempt to maintain the rhyme.

An old time sand hour glass, best descibes her curves--old time sand feels like filler. Describes has a typo. This is a less effective construction in that your saying "I'm describing something. Just state the image without that phrase
Only a shape like that can describe it, because there is no words--redundant line. "are" not "is". To say there are no words to describe it except for the shape is weak.
Breast are magnetic, and always catching untrained eyes --Why no pronoun before breast. Why one breast (mastectomy?). Untrained feels like the wrong word. A trained eye would be one that ignores cleavage?
She knows her powers and uses them, and does not have to try--You say very little here, and its all tell again no imagery.
Hypnotizing is her hips, as they sway from side to side--The syntax is off with the hips: Her hips are hypnotizing
They are like a swing or a ship amusment park ride--How does that amusement park ship point you to lust. It points me to farce. The image has to do more than describe the motion. It has to tie back to your central point. Typo: amusement

She is beautiful, sexy, and you can not help but lust
She is gorgeous, attractive, and will make your mind gust

I can not have her she is not mine
I can not stop looking is it a crime
I want her but do not know her name
I can not have her it is a shame--These lines just seem trite. Flat statements
She is gone and will never see her again--You need an "I" after and to have this line make sense
I will always remember her I will call her Lustful Sin

---

Hope you all enjoy this poem. I am trying to get back into writing more. Your opinion and critisism is welcome. I will be trying to post frequently so if you like this one stay posted

---

Any feedback at all? Like it not like it? Anything?

Just some feedback. Hope it helps.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

Thanks I completly understand that it is not attacking me. I asked for the critical stuff but when you say you don't see how she is gorgeous I ask did you read the first 6 line stanza or second? Not to mention you pulled out the line that inincluded "make your mind gust" and said it is mundane boring instead of saying she blew my mind I used gust have you ever heard that before?

yes i read them , so the first point is brought up; why use gorgeous twice. you've already done the job and the 2nd is this, it wasn't done well
here's my reason why;

Her hair is like that of the finest silk huge cliche been said a thousand or more times before (not new)
Laid together like a gorgeous quilt you use a simile of a quilt to compare her hair?, why use the word gorgeous, what is gorgeous?
Her eyes are intoxicating and contagious the 1st part clich, 2nd part smaller cliche. how are they intoxicating, why are they contagious, does she have aids?
Just one glance from her is dangerous, does her eyes squirt venom? why are they dangerous, all the words you use like dangerous contagious, intoxicating are all intangible...they carry a broad meaning which can almost anything, use something that is definitive.
Her lips are pillow tops this feels like an image, i can imagine a pillow top, i can imagine fluffy lips i'd like to kiss. this works
Laying on them you never want to stop won't that smother the poor girl? be more descriptive, what is it you don't want to stop? laying on them

this line;

An old time sand hour glass, best descibes her curves so it's an hour glass, she has the hour glass curves of a sixties film star, she carries a Raquel Welch ass and betty boops tits. describes has an [s] in it by the way.

the last verse it just forced rhyme

i cannot have her she is not mine
i can not stop looking is it a crime

read, please read it out loud and think of a child reciting something they've wrote..it will probably sonically sound like the last verse.

as for the gust line, i wasn't comment on the gust, but the use of it you have doesn't work.

she blows your mind.
and
will make your mind mind gusts is not the same, this sounds more like she's making you brain fart.

She is gorgeous, attractive, and will make your mind gust
she is (sweet as candy cane or something else here, she is the moa lisa da vinci wanted to paint. ) and blows my mind like a high class hooker blowing cock

make it fresh, make it stand out, she's beautiful isn't she. is her hair really like a gorgeous quilt