A Sonnet for my Grandmother

[alatos]

I wrote this this morning thinking about how my grandma must feel cooped up in her nursing home. It's pretty sad to me, but I would still appreciate criticism to make it better.

Edit 1

These years, it seems, the sun has barely shone.
The skies outside are wrapped in winter’s grey.
And I’ve been caged inside these walls, alone,
to sit and retrospect my younger days.
My past, my life, has never been so hard
to recollect as now. My mind has grown
as clouded as the atmosphere; I’m barred
within, and left without my memory.
What fate has put me here? What is this place?
I’ve lost all hope of ever walking free.
But oh… how clearly I can see your face,
and hear your voice: you hold my hand, it seems.
They say you’re gone, but I feel your embrace
along this dance between my death and dreams.







These years, it seems, the sun has barely shone.
The skies are blanketed in winter’s grey.
And I’ve been caged inside these walls, alone,
to sit and retrospect my younger days.
My past, my life, has never been so hard
to recollect as now. My mind has grown
as clouded as the atmosphere; I’m barred
within, and left without my memory.
What bastard put me here? What is this place?
I’ve lost all hope of ever walking free.
But oh… how clearly I can see your face,
and hear your voice: you hold my hand, it seems.
They say you’re gone, but I feel your embrace
along this dance between my death and dreams.

[justcloudy]

Hi alatos.

I know next to nothing about sonnets, find them often kind of... stuffy. This one isn't. For the most part it's clear and precise, and you have some really nice enjambments there. Normally something like "But oh..." seems like a filler but in this context it works for me, because it's from the point of view of someone who is older, forgetful, resigned. I read it as a sigh. Nicely done.

Some questions: Is she looking out the window and observing the grey skies? If so, say so, because as it stands that seems a little out of place. Also, do you really need the word "bastard"? It really threw me off. The rest of the poem has a feeling of sadness and resignation, so the anger seems to come out of nowhere and then dissipate immediately. Finally aren't sonnets supposed to end in a couplet? Like I said I'm no expert but I thought that was the case.

Anyway thanks for sharing, I enjoyed the read.

-justcloudy

[alatos]

Hi alatos.

I know next to nothing about sonnets, find them often kind of... stuffy. This one isn't. For the most part it's clear and precise, and you have some really nice enjambments there. Normally something like "But oh..." seems like a filler but in this context it works for me, because it's from the point of view of someone who is older, forgetful, resigned. I read it as a sigh. Nicely done.

Some questions: Is she looking out the window and observing the grey skies? If so, say so, because as it stands that seems a little out of place. Also, do you really need the word "bastard"? It really threw me off. The rest of the poem has a feeling of sadness and resignation, so the anger seems to come out of nowhere and then dissipate immediately. Finally aren't sonnets supposed to end in a couplet? Like I said I'm no expert but I thought that was the case.

Anyway thanks for sharing, I enjoyed the read.

-justcloudy

I'll rethink the usage of that word. I was trying to convey utter frustration, but I think you are right. And yes a sonnet should end in a couplet traditionally, but I actually did this more as an exercise in the beginning. I wrote down a strange rhyme scheme and tried to follow it is what it boils down to haha

[ThePinsir]

I always like reading sonnets here. Thanks for the opportunity.

My only criticism is that the volta isn't very strong, if even there at all. I was expecting it to move from gloomy to happy, or maybe gloomy to less gloomy. But the sestet pretty much had the same feel as the octave.

Besides that, it has a lot of emotion. It actually made me feel sad. Well done.

[LickinLyrics]

I know next to nothing about structures and sestets and octaves. It's clear you miss her though. Making me miss mine now...