short poem (edit)

[Volaticus]

EDIT

before charred clarinets
conductor cues
cacophony


ORIGINAL

behind blackened clarinets
conductor cues
cacophony

[billy]

one comment really in the form of a question., does the conductor stand in front or behind or below the orchestra?

if it had a seasonal word in there it'd be a haiku

[Volaticus]

one comment really in the form of a question., does the conductor stand in front or behind or below the orchestra?

if it had a seasonal word in there it'd be a haiku

I see your point I was experimenting though, trying to use the orchestra as a metaphor to describe a war scene. Maybe it doesn't work so well?

[billy]

now you tell the intent it's as clear as a bell.
maybe change blackened to something else.

[Volaticus]

It is usually best to avoid metaphors and other rhetorical devices in haiku and senryu. They should be snapshots.

Thanks for the advise, and I agree. I shouldn't call this senryu, it's more like a short poem.
Best,
-LB

[Swoonjet]

All B's and C's

You amazing agent of alliteration.

I think you should try D's and E's for the next one.

[LickinLyrics]

I like the fact that you used all B's and C's. I may try something out like that =]

[bena]

Alliteration is supposed to be forbidden in senryu and haiku, but the modernization of the form has allowed some poetic devices in. I tend to break rules.

[ChristopherSea]

before blackened clarinets
conductor cues
cacophony

(This might solve the conductor placement problem that billy had.)

[Erthona]

For me "blackened clarinets" is somewhat problematic. Even when clarinets were still made of wood, they were stained, not blackened. As this is suppose to relate to war why not call it what it is, "charred clarinets"?

I agree with Chris about using before, because even when the orchestra is set in a half oval, with the conductor at the theoretical center he is still in front of (before) everyone.

I also think this would work better in a larger format.

Dale

[Volaticus]

All B's and C's

You amazing agent of alliteration.

I think you should try D's and E's for the next one.

Thanks for your kind comment, Swoonjet
The alliteration wasn't really intentional. I translated it from my native language and the corresponding English words just happened to be all Bs and Cs.

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I like the fact that you used all B's and C's. I may try something out like that =]

Thanks, I appreciate it

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Alliteration is supposed to be forbidden in senryu and haiku, but the modernization of the form has allowed some poetic devices in. I tend to break rules.

Like I said to Swoonjet, the alliteration wasn't on purpose, the poem just turned out that way. But it's still alliteration, whether it was purposely done or not, so I'm probably stretching it a bit by calling it a senryu Thanks for commenting, I appreciate it

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before blackened clarinets
conductor cues
cacophony

(This might solve the conductor placement problem that billy had.)

I definitely like your suggestion better than what I have now. It solves the problem of the conductor standing in the wrong place. I had forgotten that 'before' has several meanings, so I'm glad you mentioned it. I'll probably do a small edit before long. Thanks a bunch!

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For me "blackened clarinets" is somewhat problematic. Even when clarinets were still made of wood, they were stained, not blackened. As this is suppose to relate to war why not call it what it is, "charred clarinets"?

I agree with Chris about using before, because even when the orchestra is set in a half oval, with the conductor at the theoretical center he is still in front of (before) everyone.

I also think this would work better in a larger format.

Dale

Hi Dale,
I've had a lot of issues with 'blackened' and I agree that 'charred' would fit better within the context. Several of my pre-posting edits had 'charred', but I decided to change it since all but one word in the poem would then begin with 'c'. I felt it was a bit too much. But I do like how the repeated c sounds kind of resemble some of the sounds you'd maybe here in some sort of war situation. Or maybe that's just me. Anyway, I think I'll incorporate your suggestion it in my next edit, along with changing 'behind' into 'before'. I'll give the larger format a good thinking too. Thanks a lot for your feedback, I appreciate it
-Louise

[ChristopherSea]

Benny Goodman could char a clarinet just by playing it!