Superpowers '14
#1
If I could leap tall buildings
In a single bound (accounting flags and poles):

I’d gander from a height
Upon the giddy apex of my flight
And know that I am much too far
From those who stick the streets with heavy soles.


If I could outrun bullets,
Be they from a hand- or wholly mental gun:

I’d stare the barrel down
To meet my cocky marksman with a frown
And as he takes his shot yell “cheese!”-
Devoid of challenge, making pointless fun.


If I could push a steam train
Off its resolute and predetermined track:

I’d firstly have to see
If all its passengers would rather come with me
Or travel as they were before -
If so, I’d be obliged to take them back.


If I were made of steel,
Tempered so I stood while all of Earth burned white;

I’d have another skill
To waft and waggle idly at my will -
A pencil in the fervent hand
Of one with nought to say and less to write.


If I possessed one talent
That could come by way of deed, or script, or song:

I’d be “the Bane of Cares,
Recurring Doubt and Dread” – I’m he who wears
A smile that neuters Kryptonite
(And undies where they properly belong).
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#2
Don't understand why you break apart all the stanzas that are related. And they're not consistent either. You have a colon on all of them except the second to last one and then you use a semi colon. Again, why? The tongue in cheek attitude is cool. Kind of a Underdog theme to this as opposed to SuperMan. Bane was just used in the Batman series so I'd drop that, especially capitalized. Actually using "made of steel" is weird too b/c you go out of your way to tell us you are not him. Attaching the moniker of Superman kind of defeats your purpose.

There's something here, just not sure what. Seinfeld had a reference to Superman in every single episode of his show and it wasn't too much. It was always subtle. You have a ten stanza poem, and you over use the reference. Tongue-in-cheek satires must be subtle. Now all this being said, I did enjoy reading it b/c I am a Superman fan. Good luck and thanks for posting.
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#3
(01-05-2014, 07:08 AM)Regallis Wrote:  Find this being the funny side of what Superman would be if he were a comedian with super powers. Since I know little of what is required of poetry to be considered good, other then if I like it or not. I like it.
generally , what's required is this,
if you like it say why, if you don't like it, say why. where and how does it work so that you like it or how and why doesn't it work to make you dislike it.

we have loads of info on crit dotted about the site

one liners kills feedback where it lay or lie. people post her and in serious in order to worskshop their poetry. try and give a bit more please Smile :J:
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#4
I could be Superman or the Hulk, and I wouldn't bump my arse when I came down. Mortals are left on the ground and he is laughing from above, and they have bad eye sight. To outrun a gun, or could this be a camera because its like posing for a picture. You can't kill a picture.

Pushing a locomotive, yes that was part of Superman because he was stronger, but it could also mean to save fuel. Tempered steel is flexible and strong, but can also still break. If the earth burned white, it would end up a pile of cinders. Superman was a writer, though one wonders if he was any good.

Deed could mean claiming a spot in life, script a actor in a play, or the ones that played Superman. I don't recall him every singing, but maybe he did with Lois Lane, he did turn back time for her.

Bane being the one that has broken the bat, so he would be the opposite of bane and shows the world he cares. For me his only doubts seem to center around Lois Lane. Neuters kryptonite, well don't recall ever seeing a way to change that from having a major effect on his strength. He would keep his underwear in the top drawer.

Find this being the funny side of what Superman would be if he were a comedian with super powers. But since I see this as being a comedian wishing he had superpowers, so he could get more women in bars. Just my thoughts. X-ray vision wouldn't help much since its made to see bones.
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#5
it's an unusual rhyme scheme but it works okay.
though the if lines are cliche i think they work as well. they are made of and place in a comic book world. i read the poem as a fun thing, but there is an underlying feel of self doubt, of wanting to liked etc. using caps on every line doesn't add to the poem. the meter feels okay. though it isn't consistent the sing song effect of the poem drags it along at a speed that negates it being too strict. (not sure if that makes sense even to me. ) while it's not a classic, it does have some entertainment value about it. Smile

(01-04-2014, 10:53 AM)SilverMire Wrote:  If I could leap tall buildings
In a single bound (accounting flags and poles):

I’d gander from a height
Upon the giddy apex of my flight
And know that I am much too far
From those who stick the streets with heavy soles. i'd suggest [away] to start the line


If I could outrun bullets,
Be they from a hand- or wholly mental gun: i like this line, it's a hidden gem that makes the whole poem a bit more than what it is. it makes the daydreamer real and shows some insecurity. is the [a] needed?

I’d stare the barrel down
To meet my cocky marksman with a frown
And as he takes his shot yell “cheese!”-
Devoid of challenge, making pointless fun.


If I could push a steam train
Off its resolute and predetermined track:

I’d firstly have to see
If all its passengers would rather come with me
Or travel as they were before -
If so, I’d be obliged to take them back.


If I were made of steel,
Tempered so I stood while all of Earth burned white;

I’d have another skill
To waft and waggle idly at my will -
A pencil in the fervent hand
Of one with nought to say and less to write. this line is out of balance with the hero, and feels as if it should be in another poem.


If I possessed one talent
That could come by way of deed, or script, or song:

I’d be “the Bane of Cares,
Recurring Doubt and Dread” – I’m he who wears
A smile that neuters Kryptonite
(And undies where they properly belong). my favourite line for obvious reasons. Big Grin
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#6
Thanks guys, will definitely take all this on board Smile
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#7
First off, Intriguing title. Nice Job There

I believe the poem begins to lose focus in stanza 5, it has a continuous flow and then in 5 the structure adjusts (in my opinion) drastically. The abrupt change made my reading readjusts to your poems content which caused the intake of information to slightly diminish due to mental restructuring.
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#8
I liked the poem, but it needed to be spaced a lot differently. Just my opinion.. Other wise I enjoyed it
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