another attempt (mild commets only)

[addy]

Salt stars thaw the dark
The sleeping moon wading by

Underground, moles stir.

[billy]

Salt stars thaw the dark
The sleeping moon wading by

Underground, moles stir.

i haven't heard the phrase "salt stars" before, i thinks it goes well with "thaw"

sleeping and wading don't work together too well for me.
love the "underground moles stir: though would it read better as; "moles stir underground"

not keen on the line space but that's your choice.
and for me the "sleeping" and the "wading" keep just this side of a haiku.
i'm serious when i say i wish i could do senryu or haiku as well as this. jmo

[addy]

"Moles stir underground" sounds much better. Thanks.
The space does look awkward, I guess.

[NadCloutier]

Hmm, interesting. Moles stir, what the stars thaw. I like the concept of salt stars. It's a nice break from the old tale of poking holes in the canvas. Very original. I'm not sure about the second line. It seems to break up the consistancy of what I woud like to think of as a short meditation on the nature of the universe.

[addy]

Good point about the second line. You're right, it's dull and doesn't "say" anything compared to the other two. Thanks for the comment.

[. . . .]

Salt stars thaw the dark
The sleeping moon wading by

Underground, moles stir.

The first line made me think that you were referring to a type of laser guide star system, known as sodium beacon guide star. Sodium re-emits the laser light making a glowing artificial star. (Its all part of adaptive optics) While the new moon passes over head.