Coming round to...

[cidermaid]

Ok...this one is a bit insiped...but I'm just glad i manged to write something.



Coming round to...

IT, is somewhere over there; in a blue haze,
under the cover of a Beach boy’s day;
I survey my island sanctuary.
Some where a computer hums along,
besides the humdrum banality
of an offshore hub of activity.
A recipe is spewed out (a doubtful Delia);
“20cc’s. Fourteen hundred. I love this, but…
…I need some more”

I side slip a page or two of details
to resume my beached existence,
Wouldn’t it be nice…if you three…no four,
would choose if you want to be real or not.
You keep floating from this ship wreak
to shore, crossing over in a blind blink.

The crazy-pave of fade that surrounds
the four flotillas’ of another era clears.
Soothing radio sounds tuned to perfection,
bring the bright-house into sharp focus.
They sit and stand, bathed in light,
all clad in white, but for one in blue;
who smiles when I catch her eye.

Unsure if I should cross over;
having left my retreat, I’m puzzled
on how to reach them.
I seek out feet, that I left
right under a beach or a blanket
…or someplace.
The bedding moves!
It works a treat,
my angels come to meet and greet.

“Some tea and toast?”
I’m mostly coming round to it.

[Truerenigma]

Hi AJ. Check for typos:)

Ok...this one is a bit insiped...but I'm just glad i manged to write something.



Coming round to...

IT, is somewhere over there; in a blue haze, Remove the caps and comma here (*IT,) also blue haze works symbolically, but it is a little difficult to envision, if there is a haze it is usually due to the lack of blue; is there something else that could work here, maybe like mirage but not so overused?
under the cover of a Beach boy’s day;
I survey my island sanctuary.
Some where a computer hums along,
besides the humdrum banality
of an offshore hub of activity.
A recipe is spewed out (a doubtful Delia); I'm missing the connection here in these last three lines.
“20cc’s. Fourteen hundred. I love this, but…
…I need some more”

I side slip a page or two of details
to resume my beached existence,
Wouldn’t it be nice…if you three…no four,
would choose if you want to be real or not.
You keep floating from this ship wreakwreck
to shore, crossing over in a blind blink.

The crazy-pave of fade that surrounds
the four flotillas’ of another era clears.
Soothing radio sounds tuned to perfection,
bring the bright-house into sharp focus.
They sit and stand, bathed in light,
all clad in white, but for one in blue;
who smiles when I catch her eye. i had some trouble following this stanza, but the final image is so pleasant that I hardly care.

Unsure if I should cross over;
having left my retreat, I’m puzzled
on how to reach them.
I seek out feet, that I left
right under a beach or a blanket
…or someplace.
The bedding moves!I'm lost here.
It works a treat, and here, the bedding works a treat? and where are we?
my angels come to meet and greet.

“Some tea and toast?”
I’m mostly coming round to it. I love this ending. They are coming round and the speaker's coming round to the idea of them coming round, or maybe just the idea of coming round. It hold some promise and it is inviting. Maybe change the title to "Coming 'Round".

I think you put a refreshing spin on the "island" metaphor. Much of it is submerged, but there is a lot to enjoy here. It shouldn't be too hard to bring it to the surface.

Thanks for the read.

[Truerenigma]

*IT, I meant the caps, and comma after 'it'.

[cidermaid]

Hi True
Thanks for the thoughts and feedback. I was going for a disjointed and abstract voice of someone experiencing the confusion of the transition from full anaesthesia to consciousness. (but obviously overdid this from your notes). I had wondered about putting it into a Pantoum to give it the drifting back and forth feeling but decided this was not fuzzy enough. Will think some more on what to do with it.
Thanks for your time AJ.

[Truerenigma]

Hi True
Thanks for the thoughts and feedback. I was going for a disjointed and abstract voice of someone experiencing the confusion of the transition from full anaesthesia to consciousness. (but obviously overdid this from your notes). I had wondered about putting it into a Pantoum to give it the drifting back and forth feeling but decided this was not fuzzy enough. Will think some more on what to do with it.
Thanks for your time AJ.

Hmm.. Yeah, I missed that, but i really like the idea. I also like the Pantoum idea. Good luck with it.