The Secret is Dying

[71degrees]

You wonder what it’s like
to be different, to be piled
like rock next to cold water,
so afraid you could tip
at the slightest tremor

what it is like to be laid naked
on a shore on a night so cold
your teeth rattle, your heart
so terrified it may stop

This thought is not new; it has been
a secret for thousands of years:
bedrock, granite; not shale,
not limestone

you are so briefly human,
aren’t you? Then suddenly,
you are not, and over time,
you become so much hardness,
able to last forever, like the secret

[tectak]

You wonder what it’s like
to be different, to be piled
like rock next to cold water,
so afraid you could tip
at the slightest tremormost often the first line is the hook...not here. This is a worthy opening stanza. There is an easy inconsistency in the meter which makes for a conversational intonation...though I hear semi colon I do not see one. Maybe it is that "so " which I so dislike...sorry, I meant dislike. Spot the difference.

what it is like to be laid naked Why omit punctuation? Look, if you think it helps...fine. I don't. See? It. Punctuate to clarity...why ever not?
on a shore on a night so cold
your teeth rattle, your heart
so terrified it may stop See. That's what happens EVERY time. "YOU are so terrified that your heart may stop" is not the same as "You are so terrified. Your heart may stop" or "your heart so terrified(??)
it may stop". Which is it? Punctuation can clarify.
This thought is not new; it has been
a secret for thousands of years:
bedrock, granite; not shale,
not limestone Not sure this hangs right. If something is hidden in the mist of aeons
, unknown, then is discovered, is it new?
you are so briefly human,
aren’t you? Then suddenly, The "aren't you" disassociates the narrator from the piece. This does not seem intentional.
you are not, and over time,
you become so much hardness,
able to last forever, like the secret

A whole lot to like in this but it needs tweeking. There is, in the final stanza, an enigma that needs a solution or an understanding...I am unhappy to be left unknowing. Punctuation is an issue.
Best.
tectak.

[71degrees]

You wonder what it’s like
to be different, to be piled
like rock next to cold water,
so afraid you could tip
at the slightest tremormost often the first line is the hook...not here. This is a worthy opening stanza. There is an easy inconsistency in the meter which makes for a conversational intonation...though I hear semi colon I do not see one. Maybe it is that "so " which I so dislike...sorry, I meant dislike. Spot the difference.

what it is like to be laid naked Why omit punctuation? Look, if you think it helps...fine. I don't. See? It. Punctuate to clarity...why ever not?
on a shore on a night so cold
your teeth rattle, your heart
so terrified it may stop See. That's what happens EVERY time. "YOU are so terrified that your heart may stop" is not the same as "You are so terrified. Your heart may stop" or "your heart so terrified(??)
it may stop". Which is it? Punctuation can clarify.
This thought is not new; it has been
a secret for thousands of years:
bedrock, granite; not shale,
not limestone Not sure this hangs right. If something is hidden in the mist of aeons
, unknown, then is discovered, is it new?
you are so briefly human,
aren’t you? Then suddenly, The "aren't you" disassociates the narrator from the piece. This does not seem intentional.
you are not, and over time,
you become so much hardness,
able to last forever, like the secret

A whole lot to like in this but it needs tweeking. There is, in the final stanza, an enigma that needs a solution or an understanding...I am unhappy to be left unknowing. Punctuation is an issue.
Best.
tectak.

Actually, if I left you unhappy, I accomplished my mood, but perhaps it's for the wrong reasons. I do agree w/some of your punctuation comments. Thank you. Adverbs are a bane of mine. I OFTEN write them and I do EVEN realize I'm doing it. "So" is one of them. I like semi-colons in short poems b/c most thoughts are / should connect. I detest periods. "Tweaking" is a good word. I shall.

[bena]

This is a wonderful write, but I have to admit the title confounds me. Do you mean you are saying to the reader that the secret to life is dying...or is the secret (whatever it is) is dying? Perhaps you want the reader to take what they will, but I am thick and didn;t really get it.

As to the poem itself: I loved your word choices, the images, the enjambment, and the over all theme, but the scant punctuation (which I know is intentional) made it a bit awkward as a reader ( or at least this reader)

Perhaps I just don't know you voice well enough. Don't get me wrong, I loved the poem---these are just thoughts in my head.

mel.

[71degrees]

This is a wonderful write, but I have to admit the title confounds me. Do you mean you are saying to the reader that the secret to life is dying...or is the secret (whatever it is) is dying? Perhaps you want the reader to take what they will, but I am thick and didn;t really get it.

As to the poem itself: I loved your word choices, the images, the enjambment, and the over all theme, but the scant punctuation (which I know is intentional) made it a bit awkward as a reader ( or at least this reader)

Perhaps I just don't know you voice well enough. Don't get me wrong, I loved the poem---these are just thoughts in my head.

mel.

I originally titled this "The Secret of Dying" but switched to the one you are questioning. And, I thank you for asking. If everyone knew the secret, it wouldn't be a secret. Maybe that's the point. Am taking a hard look at the punctuation (not a big fan). Appreciate "these thoughts in your head."

[71degrees]

You wonder what it’s like
to be different, to be piled
like rock next to cold water,
so afraid you could tip
at the slightest tremor

what it is like to be laid naked
on a shore on a night so cold
your teeth rattle, your heart
so terrified it may stop

This thought is not new; it has been
a secret for thousands of years:
bedrock, granite; not shale,
not limestone

you are so briefly human,
aren’t you? Then suddenly,
you are not, and over time,
you become so much hardness,
able to last forever, like the secret

Revision

You wonder what it’s like to be different,
to be piled like rock next to deep water;
afraid you could tip at the slightest tremor

What it must be like to be laid naked
on a shore on a night so cold
your teeth rattle, your heart terrified
it may stop

This thought is not new, though it has been
a secret for thousands of years: bedrock,
granite; not shale, not limestone

You are so briefly human, aren’t you?
Then suddenly, you are not, and over time,
you become like so much hardness,
now able to last forever, like a secret should

[bena]

I like the revision. You may want to move it into your original post (above the original) so that people just coming on the thread won't critique the wrong thing. Also it is helpful if you add to the title that you have revised, people who are following the thread will know to check back in. I usually just put "Rev 1" after the title.

The one thing that bugs me is the phrase "to be laid naked" ---is this person being placed there, as if they were dead or knocked out? I'm assuming they aren't dead yet as his/her teeth rattle.

If not, I would use the present tense, to lie naked on a shore.

mel.

[71degrees]

I like the revision. You may want to move it into your original post (above the original) so that people just coming on the thread won't critique the wrong thing. Also it is helpful if you add to the title that you have revised, people who are following the thread will know to check back in. I usually just put "Rev 1" after the title.

The one thing that bugs me is the phrase "to be laid naked" ---is this person being placed there, as if they were dead or knocked out? I'm assuming they aren't dead yet as his/her teeth rattle.

If not, I would use the present tense, to lie naked on a shore.

mel.

Thanks for the advice about where to put things. I need to read up on protocol, I guess. As for "…to be laid naked" may I ask if it made a difference if the narrator has died? The poem is an attempt to capture the thoughts (??) of a dead person about death. As far as I know no one (except Lazarus…maybe Christ, but I don't want to go there) has ever done that. What's the secret? Something like that. I do appreciate your comment and glad you are reading so closely to capture tense. Thanks.

[bena]

It doesn't matter if the n. is dead...it's just that that is one of the few times a person can be laid anywhere (placed)---I've just read what I wrote and I know I'm going to get PMs about how many times they have been laid---but you know what I mean. You've got it right the way it is, since this is what you are exploring...I was just confused because they were placed, then their teeth rattled. But then, I've written from the point of view where I am dead and laugh, so I can hardly throw stones.

cheers,
mel.