Speak to Me

[71degrees]

An any less severe goddess
would have turned
the other cheek
when I attempted
a temptational hand
to the nape of her thin neck

Her eyes blushed me off
with a look that shook
me to the bottoms of my Levis:
loose change, half stick of Juicy Fruit,
and an abused Bic lighter

8-track of my ’70 Bel Air playing
Chicago’s Greatest: tenor sax singing
to itself like a lonely phone

Memory is often quaint but I swear
she wanted me to stop when she said
she had never danced to color my world
so we slowed and we stopped
and we did and we danced
at the intersection of London Square Road
and somewhere

Other passers paid no heed; maybe two people
dancing beneath stars was too common;
we twirled, her neck exposed her head
on my shoulder my hands settling on her
like sand in an overturned hour glass

After no words she smoothed her hair, rain
damp, nothing more than wet like her lips

And now sometimes when I’m night driving
and I hear tenor sax, I will stop at an intersection,
dance, and bay at the moon like the primidorial dog
must have the night god deemed Adam was lonely

[ellajam]

Hi, 71, this appeals to me. I'll leave your punctuation quirks to someone else and only mention it when I need to. Period.

An any less severe goddess My tongue trips on "an any", I'd go for "any less a"
would have turned
the other cheek
when I attempted I like the 2 tempts although temptational is a bit of a stopper
a temptational hand
to the nape of her thin neck ah, the nape, always good.

Her eyes blushed me off nice blushed, I think you could lose the pocket contents, I don't care and they're no surprise.
with a look that shook
me to the bottoms of my Levis:
loose change, half stick of Juicy Fruit,
and an abused Bic lighter

8-track of my ’70 Bel Air playing you could bring this up to Levis
Chicago’s Greatest: tenor sax singing
to itself like a lonely phone lonely phone? not buying it

Memory is often quaint but I swear not that quaint is all wrong, but does it serve? not so much for me
she wanted me to stop when she said
she had never danced to color my world not a fan of colored my world
so we slowed and we stopped
and we did and we danced
at the intersection of London Square Road
and somewhere great intersection

Other passers paid no heed; maybe two people I'd cut other, or maybe these two lines
dancing beneath stars was too common;
we twirled, her neck exposed her head I'd love a pause after exposed
on my shoulder my hands settling on her
like sand in an overturned hour glass nice

After no words she smoothed her hair, rain
damp, nothing more than wet like her lips

And now sometimes when I’m night driving I'd lose "and now"
and I hear tenor sax, I will stop at an intersection,
dance, and bay at the moon like the primidorial dog
must have the night god deemed Adam was lonely strong interesting end

Fun read for me, thanks.

[71degrees]

Hi, 71, this appeals to me. I'll leave your punctuation quirks to someone else and only mention it when I need to. Period.

An any less severe goddess My tongue trips on "an any", I'd go for "any less a"
would have turned
the other cheek
when I attempted I like the 2 tempts although temptational is a bit of a stopper
a temptational hand
to the nape of her thin neck ah, the nape, always good.

Her eyes blushed me off nice blushed, I think you could lose the pocket contents, I don't care and they're no surprise.
with a look that shook
me to the bottoms of my Levis:
loose change, half stick of Juicy Fruit,
and an abused Bic lighter

8-track of my ’70 Bel Air playing you could bring this up to Levis
Chicago’s Greatest: tenor sax singing
to itself like a lonely phone lonely phone? not buying it

Memory is often quaint but I swear not that quaint is all wrong, but does it serve? not so much for me
she wanted me to stop when she said
she had never danced to color my world not a fan of colored my world
so we slowed and we stopped
and we did and we danced
at the intersection of London Square Road
and somewhere great intersection

Other passers paid no heed; maybe two people I'd cut other, or maybe these two lines
dancing beneath stars was too common;
we twirled, her neck exposed her head I'd love a pause after exposed
on my shoulder my hands settling on her
like sand in an overturned hour glass nice

After no words she smoothed her hair, rain
damp, nothing more than wet like her lips

And now sometimes when I’m night driving I'd lose "and now"
and I hear tenor sax, I will stop at an intersection,
dance, and bay at the moon like the primidorial dog
must have the night god deemed Adam was lonely strong interesting end

Fun read for me, thanks.

Thank you. Good critique. By the way "Color My World" is a song from the 70's by Chicago. Not sure if that was clear by your response and I can't figure out how to italicize things and make it stick when I post. Should have put quotation marks around the title but didn't. Anyway, again thanks.

[ellajam]

ha, I thought Chicago the band then decided a sax player from Chicago and totally missed color my world, those were the blurry years.

Knowing it's a song improves the line for me. Was it well known to people with better memory?

You can click the I button before and after or here's a thread on formatting.

[heslopian]

An any less severe goddess
would have turned
the other cheek
when I attempted
a temptational hand I love "temptational"; it blends teasing eroticism with scientific precision, if that makes sense.
to the nape of her thin neck Is "thin" needed? I ask only because that extraneous adjective for some reason makes me think of strangling. Also, I don't think that you need to begin each verse with a capital.

Her eyes blushed me off Good use of a noun as a verb, and the added complexity of giving it to eyes, not cheeks.
with a look that shook
me to the bottoms of my Levis:
loose change, half stick of Juicy Fruit,
and an abused Bic lighter Great use of small details which anchor us in time and place.

8-track of my ’70 Bel Air playing
Chicago’s Greatest: tenor sax singing
to itself like a lonely phone Ditto this whole verse.

Memory is often quaint but I swear
she wanted me to stop when she said
she had never danced to color my world I like these lines because they grant the "goddess" her own personality; a lot of love poems annoy me because they're so egotistical, as though the loved exists only for the lover.
so we slowed and we stopped
and we did and we danced Is "and we did" needed? It feels oddly vague when surrounded by more definite verbs like "slowed" and "danced".
at the intersection of London Square Road
and somewhere

Other passers paid no heed; maybe two people
dancing beneath stars was too common; Again, a refreshing lack of egotism here; the world doesn't revolve around the lovers, which adds poignancy, I think.
we twirled, her neck exposed her head
on my shoulder my hands settling on her
like sand in an overturned hour glass

After no words she smoothed her hair, rain I love "after no words"; it's so contradictory and evocative.
damp, nothing more than wet like her lips

And now sometimes when I’m night driving
and I hear tenor sax, I will stop at an intersection,
dance, and bay at the moon like the primidorial dog
must have the night god deemed Adam was lonely

This is an excellent poem, and more than fit for Serious Workshopping, though I won't criticise your motives in placing it where you did. Love poems bore me if they can't bring some powerful images to the table. The subject, by dint of its very preeminence among subjects, is worn from overuse by every fledgling poet and amateur lyricist.
This one grabbed me, however, because of its strong narrative, individuality and, again, images. It's not just a passive description of a person or feelings; it mentions esoteric music, and mixes modernity with classical, even religious analogies. The last two lines are profoundly subtle and affecting; they evoke such loneliness, but also hope, as we know from the story that God will intervene, bringing Adam a mate. Thank you for the read

[71degrees]

ha, I thought Chicago the band then decided a sax player from Chicago and totally missed color my world, those were the blurry years.:D

Knowing it's a song improves the line for me. Was it well known to people with better memory?


I'm a big Chicago fan. Their percussion is unmatched. "Color My World" is one of the few rock songs to start with what's called a Major seventh chord. Examples of tonic major seventh chords include Bread's "Make It With You", America's "Tin Man", and Blood Sweat & Tears' "You've Made Me So Very Happy" Just a little trivia for ya'

---

[quote='71degrees' pid='149922' dateline='1386774305']
An any less severe goddess
would have turned
the other cheek
when I attempted
a temptational hand I love "temptational"; it blends teasing eroticism with scientific precision, if that makes sense.
to the nape of her thin neck Is "thin" needed? I ask only because that extraneous adjective for some reason makes me think of strangling. Also, I don't think that you need to begin each verse with a capital.

Her eyes blushed me off Good use of a noun as a verb, and the added complexity of giving it to eyes, not cheeks.
with a look that shook
me to the bottoms of my Levis:
loose change, half stick of Juicy Fruit,
and an abused Bic lighter Great use of small details which anchor us in time and place.

8-track of my ’70 Bel Air playing
Chicago’s Greatest: tenor sax singing
to itself like a lonely phone Ditto this whole verse.

Memory is often quaint but I swear
she wanted me to stop when she said
she had never danced to color my world I like these lines because they grant the "goddess" her own personality; a lot of love poems annoy me because they're so egotistical, as though the loved exists only for the lover.
so we slowed and we stopped
and we did and we danced Is "and we did" needed? It feels oddly vague when surrounded by more definite verbs like "slowed" and "danced".
at the intersection of London Square Road
and somewhere

Other passers paid no heed; maybe two people
dancing beneath stars was too common; Again, a refreshing lack of egotism here; the world doesn't revolve around the lovers, which adds poignancy, I think.
we twirled, her neck exposed her head
on my shoulder my hands settling on her
like sand in an overturned hour glass

After no words she smoothed her hair, rain I love "after no words"; it's so contradictory and evocative.
damp, nothing more than wet like her lips

And now sometimes when I’m night driving
and I hear tenor sax, I will stop at an intersection,
dance, and bay at the moon like the primidorial dog
must have the night god deemed Adam was lonely

This is an excellent poem, and more than fit for Serious Workshopping, though I won't criticise your motives in placing it where you did. Love poems bore me if they can't bring some powerful images to the table. The subject, by dint of its very preeminence among subjects, is worn from overuse by every fledgling poet and amateur lyricist.
This one grabbed me, however, because of its strong narrative, individuality and, again, images. It's not just a passive description of a person or feelings; it mentions esoteric music, and mixes modernity with classical, even religious analogies. The last two lines are profoundly subtle and affecting; they evoke such loneliness, but also hope, as we know from the story that God will intervene, bringing Adam a mate. Thank you for the read:)

Thanks for the encouragement. I'm new here and wasn't sure what's up with all the categories. "Serious" or "Mild" makes no difference to me, I guess. Looking for Constructive criticism, not remarks that some folks seem to leave just b/c they can. "I think...." or "I don't like...." comments do nothing for me. Serious criticism will have reasoning. Like yours.