The Rabbit Trail

[alatos]

The sunless sky just after snow
has long since plastered pounds of sleet
on burdened limbs. The cars aglow
with ice; the field a vast, white sheet.
The paw prints of a wild hare
are faintly dimpled on the crust.
They fade, then vanish in the glare,
and slowly fill with winter’s dust.
I follow, walking next a drift,
which shifts and fades: a phantom knoll,
its crest cut with a narrow rift.
And there, I spot the rabbit’s hole.
I peer inside the tunneled space:
the rodent squeals and bites my face.

[Keith]

The sunless sky just after snow
has long since plastered pounds of sleet
on burdened limbs. The cars aglow
with ice; the field a vast, white sheet.
The paw prints of a wild hare
are faintly dimpled on the crust.
They fade, then vanish in the glare,
and slowly fill with winter’s dust.
I follow, walking next a drift,
which shifts and fades: a phantom knoll,
its crest cut with a narrow rift.
And there, I spot the rabbit’s hole. Don't need this comma
I peer inside the tunneled space:
the rodent squeals and bites my face.

Hi Alatos for me the poem only gets going at The paw prints.....so I would start on this line, JMO, also the whole effort ( and I really enjoyed the winter stroll ) is let down by the end line, bites my face sounds forced and like you are trying to be funny with an otherwise serious poem.

I peer inside the tunneled space:

then set the terrier for a chase or something like that

Hope this helps Keith

[ellajam]

Hi, I enjoyed this, here are a few notes.

The sunless sky just after snow I think this captures that moment well, through "limbs"
has long since plastered pounds of sleet
on burdened limbs. The cars aglow
with ice; the field a vast, white sheet. I know this look, but I'm still not a fan of "aglow" or "sheet"
The paw prints of a wild hare
are faintly dimpled on the crust. clear and lovely
They fade, then vanish in the glare,
and slowly fill with winter’s dust. I like these two lines, especially "winter's dust"
I follow, walking next a drift, "walking next a drift" made me stumble, walk along a drift?
which shifts and fades: a phantom knoll, beautiful, effective two lines
its crest cut with a narrow rift.
And there, I spot the rabbit’s hole.
I peer inside the tunneled space:
the rodent squeals and bites my face. You've turned this beauty into a joke, your prerogative, but a disappointment for me

I hope you don't mind the line by line, there's so much in here that works so well, I wanted to point out the few weak spots.

[Nihil Loc]

Hi alatos, trying my first hand at critique

I concur with keith, about the poem starting at paw prints. If you removed the first four lines it'd almost work well, flowingly, but then you lack the setting (context).

The ending is shockingly incommensurate with the rest of the poem but it makes made laugh when I reread it. You could do a version that is consistent with the tone of the poem. It is as if you building a sand castle and just before we had time to appreciate the whole thing, in its wholeness, you pounced on it.

[dialectical]

The sunless sky just after snow
has long since plastered pounds of sleet
on burdened limbs. The cars aglow
with ice; the field a vast, white sheet.
The paw prints of a wild hare
are faintly dimpled on the crust.
They fade, then vanish in the glare,
and slowly fill with winter’s dust.
I follow, walking next a drift,
which shifts and fades: a phantom knoll,
its crest cut with a narrow rift.
And there, I spot the rabbit’s hole.
I peer inside the tunneled space:
the rodent squeals and bites my face.

I think you did a good job on setting the context. Something I noticed was the shift in tenses; for example, the cars are aglow with ice, the field a vast white sheet, but then the paw prints are faintly dimpled (past tense). And it might just be me, but personally, it shifts my attention from the nice imagery you have going on here.

[alatos]

Thanks for the feedback everyone! I was thinking about doing an alternate, serious ending. And as for the tense shifts mentioned aboved... cars ARE aglow, field (IS) a vast white sheet, paw prints ARE faintly dimpled... it sounds OK to me...

[ThePinsir]

It looks like a sonnet, smells like a sonnet, tastes like a sonnet...but each line only has 4 feet. I wonder why...

My only real issue is line 11; the meter is kind of off. To me it reads like:

its CREST CUT WITH a NARrow RIFT

[hyasmc]

If the setting of the story is depicted to be at night (SUNLESS SKY) in my head it doesn't make sense that the car's aglow in the next line?