When Morning Winds Had Not Yet Come

[alatos]

When morning winds had not yet come,
nor sun’s first glow turned blue the line
which restless stars go to and from,
I woke to night’s warm air divine.
I walked the docks of shanty pine,
the harbor fast asleep and still.
No motors droned: the bay a shrine
of solitude. That was, until,
a diesel’s gears began to whine
and cloud the sacred breeze with plumes.
Now trucks arrive. Their floodlights shine,
and men pour out as well as fumes.
But I untie my skiff, unknown,
and slip away to sea: alone.

[Speaktaboo]

Good read man thanks for sharing. If I had to say anything it would be the abrupt ending but even that you handled nicely.

[M. Warrens]

I liked the flow of it, and personally I like abrupt endings. A suggestion I do have however would be for the second to last line:

Now trucks arrive. Their floodlights shine,
and men pour out as well as fumes.
But I untie my skiff, unknown,
and slip away to sea: alone.

instead of but, what about

Now trucks arrive. Their floodlights shine,
and men pour out as well as fumes.
So I untie my skiff, unknown,
and slip away to sea: alone

Though that might change your original meaning for the ending lines. Either way I like this one.

[HalfOpenArms]

Brilliant, I would change but one thing--should that be a colon in your last line? I think a comma might function better.

[alatos]

Brilliant, I would change but one thing--should that be a colon in your last line? I think a comma might function better.

yes, I was unsure here. I thought a colon might provide a little more emphasis, but maybe a comma would be best.

[alatos]

Alternate ending:

When morning winds had not yet come,
nor sun’s first glow turned blue the line
which restless stars go to and from,
I woke to night’s warm air divine.
I walked the docks of shanty pine,
the harbor fast asleep and still.
No motors droned: the bay a shrine
of solitude. That was, until,
a diesel’s gears began to whine
and cloud the sacred breeze with plumes.
Now trucks arrive. Their floodlights shine,
and men pour out as well as fumes.
But I untie my skiff, unknown,
and sighing, drift to sea alone.

[HalfOpenArms]

The "ands" seem like meter padding. I think the sigh is a little too blunt: the reader knows how the narrator feels about the pollution by his tone. The original ending was much better.

[alatos]

The "ands" seem like meter padding. I think the sigh is a little too blunt: the reader knows how the narrator feels about the pollution by his tone. The original ending was much better.

I agree with the 'and' comment, but I think the 'sigh' has something too it. It evokes more than just contempt at pollution (my contempt was more against just man spoiling the serenity of the bay in the morning); to me it also reveals relief at escaping all the noise and commotion. Fixed the 'and'.

[Farkas]

Hi

A marvelous picture and mood you paint that, as a sailor, I fondly recall. I don’t sail anymore, but the sea will forever be in my heart. Thanks for the memories.

[Farkas]

Hi

I just noticed, you have fourteen lines and the last two are couplets. This marvelous piece is a sonnet. Most appropriate.

[Bemh]

change colon to comma
nice work though! I usually don't like rhyming, but you make it work

[FreeIt]

I prefer the first ending. I thought "slipping away" conveyed a silent departure marked by distaste in tune with reality. "Sighing" makes your point a little less ambiguous, but it sounds a little whiny to me... but that's my own perception.

If you keep it with the change, I recommend you make it flow smoother by changing up some word placement

Original

But I untie my skiff, unknown,
and sighing, drift to sea alone.

to

But I untie my skiff, unknown
and sighing, to drift the sea alone

or

But I untie my skiff, unknown,
sighing, to drift the sea alone

[Blake]

Very good, this is the kind of poetry I enjoy reading and writing. Strong rhythm, but the rhythm can get lost if the reader doesnt flow into this line correctly:

"of solitude. That was, until,"

Of course when you go back and read it again, having read it before you can easily find the rhythm. Overall I think this is quite a good piece of poetry.

[Mikeodial]

When morning winds had not yet come,
nor sun’s first glow turned blue the line
which restless stars go to and from,
I woke to night’s warm air divine.
I walked the docks of shanty pine,
the harbor fast asleep and still.
No motors droned: the bay a shrine
of solitude. That was, until,
a diesel’s gears began to whine
and cloud the sacred breeze with plumes.
Now trucks arrive. Their floodlights shine,
and men pour out as well as fumes.
But I untie my skiff, unknown,
and slip away to sea: alone.

Lots of spiritual angles to this. Silence, the skiff not polluting like the other boats, the noticing of the event at the interior level, loneliness (in a good way), nature beauty even when man pollutes and exploits it.

The only change I might make would be to make the last line with an even bigger pause ... and slip away to sea. Alone.