December 23rd-- revision 2

[justcloudy]

revision 2

His grumbles snag on plastic branches
emerging from eleven months of peace.
The holiday's cheer doesn't reach this tree,
three feet high and so naked even Charlie
might sigh.

Tilting to one side it seems to wiggle
to the other half of the desk, as bits
of coated green float gently to the tiles,
torn off by hand painted stars and a man
with a white beard and no time for this.

As balls and lights and silver garlands
fill the lonely gaps he wonders
Why bother? when four walls enclose the effort
and not even the window lets out a peep.

Resigned eyes survey this scene: his life
without her touch. Reminiscence fills the air,
and salty gripes jerk from his throat and scuttle down
to rest inside the stocking’s toe.


revision

His grumbles snag on plastic branches
emerging from eleven months of peace.
The holiday's cheer doesn't reach this tree,
three feet high and so naked even Charlie
might sigh.

Tilting to one side it seems to wiggle
to the other side of the desk, as bits
of coated green float gently to the tiles,
torn off by painted stars and a man
with a white beard and no time for this.

As balls and lights and silver garlands
fill the lonely gaps he wonders
Why bother? when four walls enclose the secret
and not even the window lets out a peep.

Resigned eyes survey this scene: his life
without her touch. How many more to come?
Salty gripes jerk from his throat and scuttle down
to rest inside the stocking’s toe.



original

His grumbles snag on the plastic branches
emerging from eleven months of peace.
The holiday's cheer doesn't reach this three
foot tree that naked, would make even Charlie
sigh.

Tilting to one side it seems to wiggle
to the other side of the desk, as bits
of coated green float gently to the tiles,
torn off by painted stars and a man
with a white beard and no time for this.

As balls and lights and silver garlands
fill the lonely gaps he wonders
Why bother? when four walls enclose the secret
and not even the window lets out a peep.

Reminiscent eyes survey this scene of his life
without her touch, the first of how many to come?
Salty gripes jerk from his throat and scuttle down
to rest inside the stocking’s toe.

__________________________
I'm not set on the title. Suggestions?

[HalfOpenArms]

In S1, did you mean for sigh to be its own line?

I would amend the third stanza like so:

As balls and lights and silver garlands
fill the lonely gaps, he wonders,
"Why bother, when four walls enclose the secret
and not even the window lets out a peep?"

In S4, are you sure you mean reminiscent? Seems an odd word choice to me.

Anyway, I very much enjoyed this poem. It seems to me that it's about a man trying futilely to keep up appearances during the holidays following the death of his wife; is that right?

[Speaktaboo]

This was beautifully written. I felt what he felt. There was only a few lines about his life and I feel like I know him. The imagery in the first two stanzas! Perfect! I felt bad for him and his 3 ft tree. This piece was full bodied and felt nice to read. A subtle and semi sad take on the holiday prep. Thank you for posting.

Funny that the first piece I'm reading of yours has the word eleven in the first stanza. Happens to me a few times a week.

[justcloudy]

Thanks both for the kind words.

Speaktaboo glad you could empathize with him. Lol about 11, but when we routinely notice something we end up seeing it everywhere. ;D

Halfopen yes you got the story right! And yes I wanted "sigh" to be alone, I think the sentiment deserves a pause, and to be separated from the rest. What don't you like about reminiscent?

-justcloudy

[cidermaid]

Hi,
I've been away for a while but your poem has drawn me back in.
Not much time right now so will hope to come back later, but just was going to make a comment on the title for now.
Your current title gives me a thought from the poem that follows that you wanted to convey the idea that it was too early for Christmas. (It is 23rd Dec and he is only just putting the tree up). So as it stands it is delivering but I can see what you are perhaps disatisfied with. It seems a bit flat and is not really delivering anything untill after the poem has been explored.

I have been giving this some thought but to be honest all of my suggestions are not much improvment.
But here they are for your consideration:-
Something along the lines of a best before date / expiry date or even a lot number for Dec 23rd.
Without the mistletoe.

(love salty gripes)

All the best AJ.

[Keith]

His grumbles snag on the plastic branches The title works with this line so be careful if you change it
emerging from eleven months of peace.
The holiday's cheer doesn't reach this three I stumbled here as I read tree not three then I got lost and had to come back
foot tree that naked, would make even Charlie could this be phrased differently
sigh.

Tilting to one side it seems to wiggle
to the other side of the desk, as bits
of coated green float gently to the tiles, I enjoyed this sorry desktop scene
torn off by painted stars and a man
with a white beard and no time for this.

As balls and lights and silver garlands
fill the lonely gaps he wonders
Why bother? when four walls enclose the secret
and not even the window lets out a peep. lovely stanza and mood

Reminiscent eyes survey this scene of his life something feels off in this line, could it be reminiscing, could be too wordy?
without her touch, the first of how many to come? this is the closing stanza and the tell so this line could do more work for me
Salty gripes jerk from his throat and scuttle down
to rest inside the stocking’s toe. great close

__________________________
I'm not set on the title. Suggestions?

This conveys that lonely feeling really well, setting up decorations on your own, puts the reader in quite a sad place. makes me wonder why he's doing it ? surely not for himself? could be the gran kids that are about to burst through the door and fill some more of those gaps. I like happy endings. thanks for the read Keith OOps I seem to have written more than I intended to in mild, hope you don't mind.

[justcloudy]

AJ thanks so much. I'm so happy I was able to pull you back in, I completely know that feeling and am pretty touched a poem of mine could do that for someone. =] I see where you're going with the title suggestions... I'll see if I can find something that may work. Otherwise I might leave it as is, dunno.

Keith, don't mind in the least, thanks for the suggestions! I'll see what I can do. But I don't see the link with the title and the first line...?

-justcloudy

---

Quick edit posted. I think it's a bit less... fumbling... now. Maybe. ;p

[Keith]

AJ thanks so much. I'm so happy I was able to pull you back in, I completely know that feeling and am pretty touched a poem of mine could do that for someone. =] I see where you're going with the title suggestions... I'll see if I can find something that may work. Otherwise I might leave it as is, dunno.

Keith, don't mind in the least, thanks for the suggestions! I'll see what I can do. But I don't see the link with the title and the first line...?

-justcloudy

---

Quick edit posted. I think it's a bit less... fumbling... now. Maybe. ;p

Justcloudy
His grumbles snag on the plastic branches, IMO could be any plastic branches but not on Dec 23rd, this date tells the reader its a Christmas tree so we are straight into the focus of the poem. Best Keith

[heslopian]

revision

His grumbles snag on plastic branches
emerging from eleven months of peace. Great opening lines, equating the abstract with the concrete in a subtle way. Grumbles = discontent, caused by Christmas (plastic branches), which comes uninvited after a peaceful year (eleven months of peace).
The holiday's cheer doesn't reach this tree,
three feet high and so naked even Charlie Is "Charlie" someone relevant to the narrator, or a cultural analogy (like a reference to Charlie Brown)?
might sigh.

Tilting to one side it seems to wiggle
to the other side of the desk, as bits
of coated green float gently to the tiles,
torn off by painted stars and a man
with a white beard and no time for this. This verse subtly personifies the tree, I think, as a stooped and ineffectual old man, collapsing under his burden of years. What we also get a sense of is destruction, discontent and disease. The tree falling apart, no-one caring enough to repair it. It's like Nietzsche distilled in a snowglobe

As balls and lights and silver garlands
fill the lonely gaps he wonders
Why bother? when four walls enclose the secret What "secret"? This feels too specific and loaded to fit your generally vague, surveying tone.
and not even the window lets out a peep.

Resigned eyes survey this scene: his life
without her touch. How many more to come? So I'm guessing that this woman's absense is the secret? I still feel that this should be vaguer, to fit your previous tone. Maybe you could remove the female pronoun? "His life without touch" would be even sadder, I think, as it would imply that he's never known intimacy.
Salty gripes jerk from his throat and scuttle down
to rest inside the stocking’s toe.

Critique is JMHO, of course. I enjoyed this poem for its very subtle evocation of despair concealed in shallow gestures. Thank you for the read

[justcloudy]

Thanks for the clarification Keith, and yep I think you've got a point.

Helospian, I enjoyed your interesting comments, because your read of the poem is quite different from mine, and I love that. Thanks so much for spending time with this piece.

As for some explanations about what I have in my head: Charlie is Charlie Brown yes, or anyone else if that's what you want. ;D The secret was meant to be simply the decorations which aren't visible from outside, so what's the point in putting them up? Before it was always his wife, now deceased, who decorated. Despite his grumbles he can't really imagine the holiday without the tree etc, so he struggles with it but at the end it brings back happy memories. Generally I hate explaining my poetry but since you shared your vision of what you thought it was, I thought I'd share mine. =] But by all means, stick with your reading of it!!

-justcloudy

[beaufort]

revision[/b]

His grumbles snag on plastic branches
emerging from eleven months of peace.
The holiday's cheer doesn't reach this tree,
three feet high and so naked even CharlieI might leave off the Charlie Brown reference - would leave out "so" - "three feet high and naked".
might sigh.

Tilting to one side it seems to wiggle
to the other side of the desk, as bits
of coated green float gently to the tiles,
torn off by painted stars and a man
with a white beard and no time for this. really like the descriptive nature of this - feel like I can visualize the tree

As balls and lights and silver garlands
fill the lonely gaps he wonders
Why bother? when four walls enclose the secret
and not even the window lets out a peep. I think the "why bother" is really good - as a reader I can easily identify with the sentiment of why make the effort when no one is here to share the season

Resigned eyes survey this scene: his life
without her touch. How many more to come?I'm not sure what "more" refers to. Years?
Salty gripes jerk from his throat and scuttle down
to rest inside the stocking’s toe. great use of scuttle here, getting coal in his stocking. It is sad to think that after great loss he is getting only coal, as if he were to blame

These are my thoughts. Enjoyed the poem - I am attracted to its near despair at what is traditionally expected to be a joyous season. Thanks

original

His grumbles snag on the plastic branches
emerging from eleven months of peace.
The holiday's cheer doesn't reach this three
foot tree that naked, would make even Charlie
sigh.

Tilting to one side it seems to wiggle
to the other side of the desk, as bits
of coated green float gently to the tiles,
torn off by painted stars and a man
with a white beard and no time for this.

As balls and lights and silver garlands
fill the lonely gaps he wonders
Why bother? when four walls enclose the secret
and not even the window lets out a peep.

Reminiscent eyes survey this scene of his life
without her touch, the first of how many to come?
Salty gripes jerk from his throat and scuttle down
to rest inside the stocking’s toe.

__________________________
I'm not set on the title. Suggestions?

[71degrees]

revision

His grumbles snag on plastic branches
emerging from eleven months of peace.
The holiday's cheer doesn't reach this tree,
three feet high and so naked even Charlie
might sigh.

Tilting to one side it seems to wiggle
to the other side of the desk, as bits
of coated green float gently to the tiles,
torn off by painted stars and a man
with a white beard and no time for this.

As balls and lights and silver garlands
fill the lonely gaps he wonders
Why bother? when four walls enclose the secret
and not even the window lets out a peep.

Resigned eyes survey this scene: his life
without her touch. How many more to come?
Salty gripes jerk from his throat and scuttle down
to rest inside the stocking’s toe.



original

His grumbles snag on the plastic branches
emerging from eleven months of peace.
The holiday's cheer doesn't reach this three
foot tree that naked, would make even Charlie
sigh.

Tilting to one side it seems to wiggle
to the other side of the desk, as bits
of coated green float gently to the tiles,
torn off by painted stars and a man
with a white beard and no time for this.

As balls and lights and silver garlands
fill the lonely gaps he wonders
Why bother? when four walls enclose the secret
and not even the window lets out a peep.

Reminiscent eyes survey this scene of his life
without her touch, the first of how many to come?
Salty gripes jerk from his throat and scuttle down
to rest inside the stocking’s toe.

__________________________
I'm not set on the title. Suggestions?

Seems to me December 23 is a bit about anticipation, as is this poem (or a now realized lack of it). Titles are often times the most personalized part of a poem. Sorry to see you lose the "reminiscing" from the original...the hard sounds of "jerk" and "scuttle" slap me a bit out a certain reminiscing, as I'm sure the narrator is being slapped. The ending image is so good, and hidden and only adds to the feeling of expectation. I adore pieces that play w/my emotions (teeter/totter poems). Xmas is so often the hardest part of the year. My neighbor lost his wife to cancer. Richard always put Xmas lights out. That year he did not, even w/my urging and offer to help. This poem made me think of him and I have not done so in years. Great effort here.

[justcloudy]

Thank you both for your comments and thoughts.

Sorry beaufort but I think Charlie is staying... such a kitschy staple of American Christmas time that I feel it adds another layer to the character. "More" is days, months, years, holidays, Christmases... etc. It wasn't clear, no, but did that detract?

Interesting thought about "reminiscing" 71, I'll consider. And I think you just helped me like my title a lot more, thanks! ;D The story about your neighbor is really beautiful and sad, thank you for sharing. This one's for you, Richard, wherever you are.

-justcloudy

---

Revision 2 posted. Minor things mostly but thanks to 71, beaufort, and Helospian.

Also, beaufort, I know I probably shouldn't say it, but believe it or not I wasn't even aware of that second definition of scuttle. Once I looked it up (thanks to you) it was almost creepy how perfect it was. Did my unconscious store away that meaning, or did the poetry gods intervene this time? Maybe just sometimes we all get lucky. ;D

-justcloudy

[cidermaid]

Hi Cloudy,
Nice to see you working on this one and keeping hold of the things that you want in the poem - esp the title. After Kieths comments i was won over to this more and more and now agree that it works just fine as it is.
A couple of thoughts / comments on your revision.


His grumbles snag on plastic branches
emerging from eleven months of peace.
The holiday's cheer doesn't reach this tree,
three feet high and so naked even Charlie This line is still a bit of an odd one. I think it works well on meaning (which is plain enough). Perhaps it is the pairing of the childish image with such a emotive subject...but then Charlie brown always had such a tragic existance No suggestions just the thoughts - sorry not much help I know.
might sigh.

Tilting to one side it seems to wiggle
to the other half of the desk, as bits
of coated green float gently to the tiles,
torn off by hand painted stars and a man
with a white beard and no time for this.

As balls and lights and silver garlands
fill the lonely gaps he wonders
Why bother? when four walls enclose the effort The use of enclose sounds a bit soft and warm here. I associate being safe and sheltered with this word rather than trapped or locked in. I would like a more aggresive or hard expression here...? smother
and not even the window lets out a peep.

Resigned eyes survey this scene: his life
without her touch. Reminiscence fills the air, I have a conceptual problem with reminisance filling the air. I would suggest taking out the and from the start of the next line and changing the construction round to read something like :- Heavy with reminisance or thickend by reminisance
and salty gripes jerk from his throat and scuttle down
to rest inside the stocking’s toe.

Still enjoying the read and likeing it more and more.
All the best AJ.

[justcloudy]

AJ it seems we're on the same wavelength, because "heavy with reminiscence" was my first idea actually, but I just couldn't make it work. I'll give it more thought.

I like what you said about "enclose" but I have mixed feelings about changing it. It is his home, he should feel sheltered, even if sorrow is present as well. On the other hand, he's trapped inside the world while she has left... Hmm hmm hmm.

Thanks so much for your thoughts. =]

-justcloudy

[bena]

I can't help you at all after 14 replies and 2 revisions....you have done well in working this to perfection. It is a terribly sad time for me personally, and I can relate to the poor subject here. You have done a masterful job of making this a journey that one wants to take, then cringes at the heartache. Well crafted, dear....nothing to add but praise.

mel.

[beaufort]

I have read this several times over, and identify with it more each time. Poignant and elegant.

[justcloudy]

^_____^

Thanks both.