Posts: 15
Threads: 4
Joined: Dec 2013
When something so wrong
feels so right,
you're the one
I'm with tonight.
I should leave,
walk out the door,
'cause I don't love you
anymore.
your sweet kiss, on my lips,
your salty thighs, candy hips.
I don't need them, the time has passed.
our love has heaved, and breathed its last.
You've done me wrong.
Now you'll see.
I'm done with your
misery.
You brought me down,
ruined my mood,
I'm turnnin' around.
g'bye junk food.
// revision #3
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
the twist is okay but the wording of the poem in general needs working on.
the 1st 2 lines are solid clichés and there are lots more. try taking out all the phrases you've heard else where and replacing them with phrases you haven't heard else where. it should be 'cause.
words like [but] should be thought about as they seldom add anything.
(12-06-2013, 10:29 AM)gilmored Wrote: When something so wrong
feels so right,
but you're the one
I'm with tonight
I should leave,
walk out the door,
'cuz I don't love you
anymore.
You've done me wrong.
Now you'll see.
I'm done with your missurey.
you brought me down,
ruined my mood,
but I've turned it around.
goodbye junk food.
Posts: 15
Threads: 4
Joined: Dec 2013
Thx Billy. I know it's cleché ridden, but it is part of the smokescreen for the twist. however I will ponder you words, and see if I can improve this. Lookin' forward to hearin' from ya again.
Posts: 1,325
Threads: 82
Joined: Sep 2013
(12-06-2013, 10:29 AM)gilmored Wrote: When something so wrong
feels so right,
you're the one
I'm with tonight.
I should leave,
walk out the door,
'cause I don't love you
anymore.
You've done me wrong.
Now you'll see.
I'm done with your
missurey.
You brought me down,
ruined my mood,
I'm turnnin' around.
g'bye junk food.
// revision #1
Ha, I didn't get the last line as a twist, I thought you were calling an ex junk food.
That was really the only novel thought here for me.
I think you could really fill this out a lot and actually emphasize the twist. Food and love descriptors go so well together, I think if you come up with a few interesting images of how sweet, or salty, even crunchy your sweetheart is, it would give us something to
chew on before the twist.
spelling: misery
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
Posts: 15
Threads: 4
Joined: Dec 2013
thanks for the advice ella. there will be more editing to come, but for now it made my poem a little less "cliche"
