When the Fat Lady Sings

[71degrees]

And it’s time, I would like
music to murder me—
something elegant, like Chopin—
perhaps I could pre-write
the lyrics; after all, I wouldn’t want
people at my funeral merely humming ,
or worse, tapping a scuffed shoe
to a wordless tune of a life

I’d rather die with a soft song
in my head: something with violins—
like cricket legs rubbing together
on the first frost of October—
a white haired preacher with a thin baton,
plus Jesus Christ himself at the back door,
making sure no one leaves early

[Leanne]

I am only online for a short time today but I can't leave without commenting on this. The concept is beautiful. I enjoy that tongue-in-cheek tone in conjunction with a discussion on classical music, it makes an interesting juxtaposition.

I'm not convinced that you need "and" to start with. "plus" is odd also -- perhaps you'd consider either just "and" or "with". Additionally, "tapping a scuffed shoe" kind of gives me the image of some massive communal shoe... "tapping scuffed shoes" might work, although I understand you're going for the tapping of just one foot (for each person!)

Thanks very much for the read, this is great.

[Todd]

Hi 71degrees, I have very little to suggest here, and it probably amounts to a style choice on one line break. This is a wonderful poem. Here's my commnet:

And it’s time, I would like--I would like music to end this line. I think it would make a more interesting line break
music to murder me—
something elegant, like Chopin—
perhaps I could pre-write
the lyrics; after all, I wouldn’t want
people at my funeral merely humming ,
or worse, tapping a scuffed shoe
to a wordless tune of a life--the first "a" may sound better as "the"

I’d rather die with a soft song--One of the other reasons I like music above is it gives kind of a parallel feel with song here
in my head: something with violins—
like cricket legs rubbing together
on the first frost of October—--just gorgeous build up to this line
a white haired preacher with a thin baton,
plus Jesus Christ himself at the back door,
making sure no one leaves early--what an over the top great ending. I notice you didn't really end punctuation, it didn't detract

I thoroughly enjoyed the read. Thank you for posting.

Best,

Todd

[Truerenigma]

And it’s time, I would like
music to murder me—
something elegant, like Chopin—
perhaps I could pre-write
the lyrics; after all, I wouldn’t want
people at my funeral merely humming ,
or worse, tapping a scuffed shoe
to a wordless tune of a life

I’d rather die with a soft song
in my head: something with violins—
like cricket legs rubbing together
on the first frost of October—
a white haired preacher with a thin baton,
plus Jesus Christ himself at the back door,
making sure no one leaves early

hello again,

There are some things about this poem that I find enjoyable:

The idea of someone writing lyrics to Chopin for their own funeral is completely new to me, thus it interests me.

I wouldn’t want
people at my funeral merely humming..

I like the image here, and it kind of juxtaposes against reality for me; when you go to a funeral there is usually some level of grief involved, and you wouldn't be thinking about whether people are humming, or singing along, or tapping their shoe(!)— these are things (details) no one really thinks about, which makes them good for a poem IMO.

The first two lines are chaff and must go; they come off as melodramatic preamble, and the first line is confusing, with it's start on "And": and it's time for /what/? I know you probably meant for the fat lady to sing, but it's the weakest line in the poem: You have a tick, tick, image per line for much of the poem; here, let's look a couple and compare:

"people at my funeral merely humming"

"a white haired preacher with a thin baton"

"And it’s time, I would like"

Do you see what I mean? And I think you should probably change the title anyway (cliche, and i don't see any fat ladies anywhere in the poem.) but even if you didn't, let's compare these:

"And it’s time, I would like"

"something elegant, like Chopin"


Which line is better? Let's try looking at something like this for comparison:


"When the Fat Lady Sings
And it’s time, I would like/
..."

"When the Fat Lady Sings
(something elegant like Chopin)
perhaps I could pre-write
the lyrics; after all, I wouldn’t want
people at my funeral merely humming"


Anyway, I still think the title should probably go, but this would at least be an interest twist on the cliche (I bet no one's ever thought of the fat lady singing to chopin!), and I just wanted to demonstrate the disparity in the quality of the opening line and the rest of the poem.

The second stanza is excellent. "And" is a thousand times better that "plus" in the Jesus Line though, unless you want your readers to break out a calculator to try and figure out what the sum of "white haired preacher"+"Jesus Christ" /is/!


Also, and I loath to mention it, it could be punctuated a lot better were it not for the fact that you are compensating for not have a period button by using almost every other form of punctuation on your keyboard.


Thanks for posting.

[billy]

hi 71

if the "and" is the continuation of the title add it to the title
or not as the case may be.
it has a tongue in cheek humour about it that appeals to me, it also has an irreverence to chopin in that you that you presume to do the lyrics for his work
some small points really, nothing great but well worth an edit.
oh...and it's original with some original images,
thanks for the read.

And it’s time, I would like
music to murder me—
something elegant, like Chopin—
perhaps I could pre-write
the lyrics; after all, I wouldn’t want i like the enjambment here, make me work (in a good way)
people at my funeral merely humming , this line evoked a laugh, the image of people "merely" humming because the music has no words is clever.
or worse, tapping a scuffed shoe i'd suggest scuffed shoes as opposed to a universal shoe
to a wordless tune of a life

I’d rather die with a soft song
in my head: something with violins— i like the enjambment here also, it'sd like a daydream of the funeral
like cricket legs rubbing together
on the first frost of October— good image, cold crickets indeed, but it works well
a white haired preacher with a thin baton,
plus Jesus Christ himself at the back door,
making sure no one leaves early solid humorous ending

[71degrees]

I am only online for a short time today but I can't leave without commenting on this. The concept is beautiful. I enjoy that tongue-in-cheek tone in conjunction with a discussion on classical music, it makes an interesting juxtaposition.

I'm not convinced that you need "and" to start with. "plus" is odd also -- perhaps you'd consider either just "and" or "with". Additionally, "tapping a scuffed shoe" kind of gives me the image of some massive communal shoe... "tapping scuffed shoes" might work, although I understand you're going for the tapping of just one foot (for each person!)

Thanks very much for the read, this is great.

Agree "shoe / shoes" image needs to be cleaned up. Thanks. "And...." needs to stay Will look at "plus..."

Thanks much for comments

---

Hi 71degrees, I have very little to suggest here, and it probably amounts to a style choice on one line break. This is a wonderful poem. Here's my commnet:

[quote='71degrees' pid='149104' dateline='1386288672']
And it’s time, I would like--I would like music to end this line. I think it would make a more interesting line break
music to murder me—
something elegant, like Chopin—
perhaps I could pre-write
the lyrics; after all, I wouldn’t want
people at my funeral merely humming ,
or worse, tapping a scuffed shoe
to a wordless tune of a life--the first "a" may sound better as "the"

I’d rather die with a soft song--One of the other reasons I like music above is it gives kind of a parallel feel with song here
in my head: something with violins—
like cricket legs rubbing together
on the first frost of October—--just gorgeous build up to this line
a white haired preacher with a thin baton,
plus Jesus Christ himself at the back door,
making sure no one leaves early--what an over the top great ending. I notice you didn't really end punctuation, it didn't detract

I thoroughly enjoyed the read. Thank you for posting.

Best,

Todd
[/quote]

Todd: Thanks. Really like the "a" to "the" suggestion. Yes, I hear that.

---

hi 71

if the "and" is the continuation of the title add it to the title
or not as the case may be.
it has a tongue in cheek humour about it that appeals to me, it also has an irreverence to chopin in that you that you presume to do the lyrics for his work
some small points really, nothing great but well worth an edit.
oh...and it's original with some original images,
thanks for the read.

[quote='71degrees' pid='149104' dateline='1386288672']
And it’s time, I would like
music to murder me—
something elegant, like Chopin—
perhaps I could pre-write
the lyrics; after all, I wouldn’t want i like the enjambment here, make me work (in a good way)
people at my funeral merely humming , this line evoked a laugh, the image of people "merely" humming because the music has no words is clever.
or worse, tapping a scuffed shoe i'd suggest scuffed shoes as opposed to a universal shoe
to a wordless tune of a life

I’d rather die with a soft song
in my head: something with violins— i like the enjambment here also, it'sd like a daydream of the funeral
like cricket legs rubbing together
on the first frost of October— good image, cold crickets indeed, but it works well
a white haired preacher with a thin baton,
plus Jesus Christ himself at the back door,
making sure no one leaves early solid humorous ending

[/quote]

Billy: It appears the "shoe tapping"image is in need of an overall and is consensus with all comments so far. Will heed. Thanks for the comments here.

---

[quote='71degrees' pid='149104' dateline='1386288672']
And it’s time, I would like
music to murder me—
something elegant, like Chopin—
perhaps I could pre-write
the lyrics; after all, I wouldn’t want
people at my funeral merely humming ,
or worse, tapping a scuffed shoe
to a wordless tune of a life

I’d rather die with a soft song
in my head: something with violins—
like cricket legs rubbing together
on the first frost of October—
a white haired preacher with a thin baton,
plus Jesus Christ himself at the back door,
making sure no one leaves early

hello again,

There are some things about this poem that I find enjoyable:

The idea of someone writing lyrics to Chopin for their own funeral is completely new to me, thus it interests me.

I wouldn’t want
people at my funeral merely humming..

I like the image here, and it kind of juxtaposes against reality for me; when you go to a funeral there is usually some level of grief involved, and you wouldn't be thinking about whether people are humming, or singing along, or tapping their shoe(!)— these are things (details) no one really thinks about, which makes them good for a poem IMO.

The first two lines are chaff and must go; they come off as melodramatic preamble, and the first line is confusing, with it's start on "And": and it's time for /what/? I know you probably meant for the fat lady to sing, but it's the weakest line in the poem: You have a tick, tick, image per line for much of the poem; here, let's look a couple and compare:

"people at my funeral merely humming"

"a white haired preacher with a thin baton"

"And it’s time, I would like"

Do you see what I mean? And I think you should probably change the title anyway (cliche, and i don't see any fat ladies anywhere in the poem.) but even if you didn't, let's compare these:

"And it’s time, I would like"

"something elegant, like Chopin"


Which line is better? Let's try looking at something like this for comparison:


"When the Fat Lady Sings
And it’s time, I would like/
..."

"When the Fat Lady Sings
(something elegant like Chopin)
perhaps I could pre-write
the lyrics; after all, I wouldn’t want
people at my funeral merely humming"


Anyway, I still think the title should probably go, but this would at least be an interest twist on the cliche (I bet no one's ever thought of the fat lady singing to chopin!), and I just wanted to demonstrate the disparity in the quality of the opening line and the rest of the poem.

The second stanza is excellent. "And" is a thousand times better that "plus" in the Jesus Line though, unless you want your readers to break out a calculator to try and figure out what the sum of "white haired preacher"+"Jesus Christ" /is/!


Also, and I loath to mention it, it could be punctuated a lot better were it not for the fact that you are compensating for not have a period button by using almost every other form of punctuation on your keyboard.


Thanks for posting.
[/quote

Watch a Bugs Bunny cartoon called "What's Opera, Doc?"....and my title, which stays, might make more sense to you. Thanks for your critique. Like I said in a different thread, I consider all comments. Some more than others. Ones solely connected to "I think...." not so much.

[Leanne]

This is a critique forum. Posts not directly related to the poem have been removed. Do not continue to post in this vein/ admin

[tectak]

And it’s time, I would like
music to murder me—
something elegant, like Chopin—
perhaps I could pre-write
the lyrics; after all, I wouldn’t want
people at my funeral merely humming ,
or worse, tapping a scuffed shoe
to a wordless tune of a life

I’d rather die with a soft song
in my head: something with violins—
like cricket legs rubbing together
on the first frost of October—
a white haired preacher with a thin baton,
plus Jesus Christ himself at the back door,
making sure no one leaves early

Excellent. Good enough to workshop. Moved.
tectak

[71degrees]

When the Fat Lady Sings

And it’s time, I would like
music to murder me, maybe
something elegant like Chopin;
any lyrics would be pre-written;
after all, I wouldn’t want
people at my funeral
merely humming, or worse,
tapping scuffed shoes
to the wordless tune of a life

I’d rather die with a song
in my head: something with violins--
like cricket legs softly rubbing
on the first frost of October--
a white haired preacher
with a thin baton, and Jesus
Christ at the back door, making
sure no one leaves early

[Truerenigma]

When the Fat Lady Sings

And it’s time, I would like
music to murder me, maybe
something elegant like Chopin;
any lyrics would be pre-written;
after all, I wouldn’t want
people at my funeral
merely humming, or worse,
tapping scuffed shoes
to the wordless tune of a life

I’d rather die with a song
in my head: something with violins--
like cricket legs softly rubbing
on the first frost of October--
a white haired preacher
with a thin baton, and Jesus
Christ at the back door, making
sure no one leaves early

Hi again 71,

I afraid I like the original better, I'm glad you've changed plus to and, but there was no reason to change the line breaks, they were chosen quite well to begin with.

I S1 it's better knowing the speaker is going to be the one writing the lyrics. "any lyric would be pre-written" doesn't have the same effect, and of course they're going to be pre-written, they're not going to write the lyrics as they sing them.

Maybe take a bit more time to think about it. Nothing drastic need be done. The poem was pretty solid to begin with.

[71degrees]

[quote='71degrees' pid='149415' dateline='1386473072']
When the Fat Lady Sings

And it’s time, I would like
music to murder me, maybe
something elegant like Chopin;
any lyrics would be pre-written;
after all, I wouldn’t want
people at my funeral
merely humming, or worse,
tapping scuffed shoes
to the wordless tune of a life

I’d rather die with a song
in my head: something with violins--
like cricket legs softly rubbing
on the first frost of October--
a white haired preacher
with a thin baton, and Jesus
Christ at the back door, making
sure no one leaves early

hi 71, your poem is very nice. "i would like the music to murder me" just sounds beautiful. i also like the subtle reference to an empty funeral with the cricket inference. justwonderfull

"Very nice" works for me. Thank you.

---

I'm very impressed. I have read this four times and still no suggestions.
The first frost of October line gave me chills. I was looking for some great reads and I think I'm pretty sure I'm in the right place.

Speaktaboo: I think I love you. Thank you.

[bena]

I haven't read the other crits, so forgive me if I repeat. I do absolutely adore the feel of this piece, but have certain issues with the musicality mentioned. Chopin often wrote staccato music, (as young children we learned the cheat that Chopin stood for chopping---not something I would associate with "elegant." ) If you wish to stick to this composer, I'd suggest you name the piece, such as Nocturne Opus 9, no. 2----although that might seem too wordy, you could always just use Nocturne. Personally, I'm so morbid, I'd choose Beethoven's requiem in D min. But that's just me.

Also one minor note: soft song, violins, doesn't sit well with the image of crickets rubbing their legs together, which is harsh sound to my ears. Just a thought.

Beautiful work, though.

[Babeanew]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post.

I am truly glad you exist dear poetry forum and I'll try my best not to disappoint.

There's is something of a yellow grin in this poem, suicide and funeral fantasy.

I think the rhythm is pretty dead on, I feel the light, slow and ethereal veil of death slowly gaining ground. Relief.
Even nature is dying.

I see this poem as quite ironic, even cynical.
The way people are portrayed as an audience in front of a show.
That phrase "wordless tune of a life" seems to express futility.
The violin cliche.
The cricket choir.
The burlesque appearance of Jesus Christ the doorman, which is why I would have kept the "Plus".

There lies a great darkness. For best or worst.

That' all... I hope this is worthy of the serious workshopping section, I feel quite serious about poetry

[Erthona]

Is the Bugs Bunny cartoon the one where he sings from the "Der Ring des Nibelungen" the Ride of the Valkyries by Brünnhilde, the Barber of Seville, and Something from the "Marriage of Figaro"? Regardless, I have no problem with the title. I also like you second edit better, much clearer, although I could see you going in whole hog and ending with a period

My main problem with this is you seem to bounce (apropos) from elegant to toe tapping, from soft to harsh. I find it creates a bit of cognitive dissonance to your overall musical score, and although "such is life", such is not poetry, at least not without the intent to contrast, which you do not have. Instead you write as though soft and harsh, elegant and toe tapping were all the same, leaving your song without resolution, and not in a way that is music to the ears

dale

[Carousal]

Is the Bugs Bunny cartoon the one where he sings from the "Der Ring des Nibelungen" the Ride of the Valkyries by Brünnhilde, the Barber of Seville, and Something from the "Marriage of Figaro"? Regardless, I have no problem with the title. I also like you second edit better, much clearer, although I could see you going in whole hog and ending with a period

My main problem with this is you seem to bounce (apropos) from elegant to toe tapping, from soft to harsh. I find it creates a bit of cognitive dissonance to your overall musical score, and although "such is life", such is not poetry, at least not without the intent to contrast, which you do not have. Instead you write as though soft and harsh, elegant and toe tapping were all the same, leaving your song without resolution, and not in a way that is music to the ears

dale

I think the original poem was better and I am not going to replace any of your wordings with suggestions that suit my own preferences, it reads perfectly OK as it is.

I do have a bit of an issue with the Chopin songs however. True, he did write around 20 or so songs in Polish that are translated into English. But in my opinion he should have stuck with what he was brilliant at i.e. they aint all that good.

You could write your own lyrics to his piano pieces but be careful you may end up with something like ‘I’m always Chasing Rainbows’ set to Fantaisie-Impromptu which is god awful.

I liked your poem a lot which was reasonable short, precise and to the point. Also it didn’t require me to scramble my brains to comprehend the meaning or trying to impress me with the vast extent of your vocabulary.

Nice one.

Regards.

[Thoughtjotter]

Chopin would be much better than "gathering at the River", maybe Jesus could be the guest speaker.
I enjoyed the humor and the ease of understanding as mentioned above (simple is good for beginners like me). The flow from line to line was like a paved walkway from beginning to end.

[danny_]

awesome poem. wouldn't change much. wondering just what you thought needed serious workshopping? bringing that polished sports car in here acting like it needs to be rebuilt is kinda insulting!
just playing around.

i like your last two lines unchanged. "plus" because it's like the cream on the cake. plus jesus himself! i can hear that. keep all that, it really works.

[billy]

off topic:
in general only a poem we considered polished/ finished is put in the serious crit forum so it can be looked at for final edit. it could be a comma or a spelling. that the writer has missed out on :J: