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Joined: Dec 2013
When you spoke of love, you said you would bleed for me. When you spoke of loyalty, you said you would die for me.
You told me once that I alone would have your heart~~~that no one else could touch it.
But yet his words touch your heart and his hands your skin. You opened up to him and let him in.
Your lies were your oath, and your bliss became my poison. Yours was a tale that I was all too eager to hear.
So now I must remind you of the pain you caused me, of the promise you broke.
Are you watching, lover? Can you see as I reach into your chest as you did mine? Can you feel what it means to have the pain that I felt?! To be stabbed in the heart like I was?!!~~~To have your heart ripped out of your chest like mine was?!!!! To have it stolen and never returned....LIKE MINE NEVER WAS?!!!
But don't worry lover, I can learn to forgive you....because even though you have no heart, you still have kept your word.
Didn't you say you'd bleed for me?
Didn't you say you'd die for me?
I have your heart in my hands...And now I'm the only one who can touch it~~
And it's funny~~
You're heart is not as cold as I remember~~~
Whats nice about this is it shows the satisfaction in giving pain back to the one you received it from. What the sad truth about this is that there isn't any satisfaction in the end of any form of pain, there's only a feeling of revenge which remorse comes right up behind it. also i like the evolution of the heart bleeding and dying for a person, then that person ends up holding the cold heart. very metaphoric and metmorphic.
Posts: 16
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Joined: Dec 2013
(12-06-2013, 03:13 AM)Rathbone Wrote: Whats nice about this is it shows the satisfaction in giving pain back to the one you received it from. What the sad truth about this is that there isn't any satisfaction in the end of any form of pain, there's only a feeling of revenge which remorse comes right up behind it. also i like the evolution of the heart bleeding and dying for a person, then that person ends up holding the cold heart. very metaphoric and metmorphic.
Thank you for your insights
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Joined: Sep 2013
(12-06-2013, 01:14 AM)Simatong Wrote: When you spoke of love, you said you would bleed for me. When you spoke of loyalty, you said you would die for me.
You told me once that I alone would have your heart~~~that no one else could touch it.
But yet his words touch your heart and his hands your skin. You opened up to him and let him in.
Your lies were your oath, and your bliss became my poison. Yours was a tale that I was all too eager to hear.
So now I must remind you of the pain you caused me, of the promise you broke.
Are you watching, lover? Can you see as I reach into your chest as you did mine? Can you feel what it means to have the pain that I felt?! To be stabbed in the heart like I was?!!~~~To have your heart ripped out of your chest like mine was?!!!! To have it stolen and never returned....LIKE MINE NEVER WAS?!!!
But don't worry lover, I can learn to forgive you....because even though you have no heart, you still have kept your word.
Didn't you say you'd bleed for me?
Didn't you say you'd die for me?
I have your heart in my hands...And now I'm the only one who can touch it~~
And it's funny~~
You're heart is not as cold as I remember~~~
A cornucopia of cliche's employed for a well metered evolution.
The nailer (last line) works well.
Posts: 16
Threads: 4
Joined: Dec 2013
(12-07-2013, 05:41 AM)Nick Wrote: (12-06-2013, 01:14 AM)Simatong Wrote: When you spoke of love, you said you would bleed for me. When you spoke of loyalty, you said you would die for me.
You told me once that I alone would have your heart~~~that no one else could touch it.
But yet his words touch your heart and his hands your skin. You opened up to him and let him in.
Your lies were your oath, and your bliss became my poison. Yours was a tale that I was all too eager to hear.
So now I must remind you of the pain you caused me, of the promise you broke.
Are you watching, lover? Can you see as I reach into your chest as you did mine? Can you feel what it means to have the pain that I felt?! To be stabbed in the heart like I was?!!~~~To have your heart ripped out of your chest like mine was?!!!! To have it stolen and never returned....LIKE MINE NEVER WAS?!!!
But don't worry lover, I can learn to forgive you....because even though you have no heart, you still have kept your word.
Didn't you say you'd bleed for me?
Didn't you say you'd die for me?
I have your heart in my hands...And now I'm the only one who can touch it~~
And it's funny~~
You're heart is not as cold as I remember~~~
A cornucopia of cliche's employed for a well metered evolution.
The nailer (last line) works well.
Thank you for your input. I was hoping that the cliches would keep the reader thinking that it was figurative until the end. To be honest, I was kind of afraid I would get in trouble for this piece, as it is technically about murder. I am glad that is not the case.
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(12-06-2013, 01:14 AM)Simatong Wrote: When you spoke of love, you said you would bleed for me. When you spoke of loyalty, you said you would die for me.
You told me once that I alone would have your heart~~~that no one else could touch it.
But yet his words touch your heart and his hands your skin. You opened up to him and let him in.
Your lies were your oath, and your bliss became my poison. Yours was a tale that I was all too eager to hear.
So now I must remind you of the pain you caused me, of the promise you broke.
Are you watching, lover? Can you see as I reach into your chest as you did mine? Can you feel what it means to have the pain that I felt?! To be stabbed in the heart like I was?!!~~~To have your heart ripped out of your chest like mine was?!!!! To have it stolen and never returned....LIKE MINE NEVER WAS?!!!
But don't worry lover, I can learn to forgive you....because even though you have no heart, you still have kept your word.---- a few stanzas ago you said they broke the promises.
Didn't you say you'd bleed for me?
Didn't you say you'd die for me?
I have your heart in my hands...And now I'm the only one who can touch it~~
And it's funny~~
You're heart is not as cold as I remember~~~
This piece is brutal truth. It's honest. Love that. Naked and just...there. Maybe cover up or distort those verbs and nouns with other maybe non related actions or things. You painted a good picture but there's nothing in the background. I want to squint my eyes. I'll be watching your..Metamorphosis.
