Fever songs (Edit 1a-c)

[jdvanwijk]

Edit 1c

They come to you, unannounced,
drive out the other guests,
set up camp inside your head
and march your brain to death.

Edit 1b

We can’t choose our fever songs.
They come to us, unannounced,
drive out the other guests,
set up camp inside your head
and march your brain to death.

Edit 1a

Four square bars march on and on.
We can’t choose our fever songs:
they come to us, unannounced,
drive out the other guests,
set up camp inside your head
and grind your brain to death.

Original

Four square bars march on and on
like soldiers stuck in a round.
We can’t choose our fever songs:
they come to us, unannounced,
drive out the other guests,
set up camp inside your head
and drone your brain to death.

[ChristopherSea]

Making good use of your sick time I see. Very productive and fun! Get well soon/Chris

[jdvanwijk]

Thanks Chris!

[Canaan McGee]

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[jdvanwijk]

Posted two small variations.

[Simatong]

Edit 1b

We can’t choose our fever songs:
they come to you, unannounced,
drive out the other guests,
set up camp inside your head
and march your brain to death.

The colon seems a little misplaced to me, but that is just how I feel about it.
I like the phrase "~~and march your brain to death". It just rings with me for some reason.

Edit 1a

Four square bars march on and on.
We can’t choose our fever songs:
they come to us, unannounced,
drive out the other guests,
set up camp inside your head
and grind your brain to death.

I am assuming "four square bars" refers to music in some sense, but as I have never heard of such a thing, I don't know how to feel about it. "Grind your brain to death" feels a bit overly harsh, but that's just me.

Four square bars march on and on
like soldiers stuck in a round.
We can’t choose our fever songs:
they come to us, unannounced,
drive out the other guests,
set up camp inside your head
and drone your brain to death.

While I again don't know what four square bars is referring to, I like how it's combined with "like soldiers stuck in a round". I'm not really feeling the use of the word "drone" in the last line, and really think "march" might work better. Either way, while the poem is not really my cup of tea, I found some intriguing parts to it, as stated above. Happy Writing!

[jdvanwijk]

Thanks Simatong, great that you gave feedback on all the different versions.