Happy Holidays
#1
It's sunny today, which makes me happy. I could
go to the beach or walk in the park. Maybe some
museum is open. Maybe I could take my tablet
to a mountain and find inspiration in sage.

Not likely. Instead I'll clean the house, watch
a movie, read a book. I'll soak in the Jacuzzi
and listen to the waterproof marconi. I'll
think about my dreams and try to type.

I need to lose weight. I need to walk.
I need to be somebody else.

The Holiday Season is here and I'm lost.
I don't want to see my parents. The thought
of dinner with siblings makes me quake: always
some mistake. I can't wait for it all to be over.

I look at the kid I was: he's a goon. No wonder
I stayed in my room with comic books, radio and
masturbatory fantasies. When I made those dreams
come true they were worthless. My boon companion
was Poe. He understood; nobody else.

I went up to bat and got hit in the mouth with a pitch.
They turned the camera to me: I froze and couldn't speak.
I lost my job at the car wash in a week. My father built a coop
for raising pigeons: I accidently let them all escape. When the
time came to shoot group photos for the yearbook, I forgot
to show up.

God I hated church. So many self-important people. I walked
down the aisle, stepping on toes all the way.

It's OK. You get to the point where what matters are the leaves
dangling from the eucalyptus. I know what comes next: another
child. The same mistakes, the same embarrassments; more com-
munion with prophets. Let it go, I say - it doesn't need me.

Lance Jencks
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#2
Maybe it's a true story, I don't know. But the life story is too compressed. Two stanzas,

these:


I look at the kid I was: he's a goon. No wonder
I stayed in my room with comic books, radio and
masturbatory fantasies. When I made those dreams
come true they were worthless. My boon companion
was Poe. He understood; nobody else.

I went up to bat and got hit in the mouth with a pitch.
They turned the camera to me: I froze and couldn't speak.
I lost my job at the car wash in a week. My father built a coop
for raising pigeons: I accident'ly let them all escape. When the
time came to shoot group photos for the yearbook, I forgot
to show up.

could both be made into a separate poem. If you expanded on one of those subjects, you could work out something more concentrated and compelling.
You could make poems out of most of the stanzas, even the two lines about going to church.
And I think accidently is a word, even though accidentally is a word too.
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#3
(12-02-2013, 03:02 AM)rowens Wrote:  And I think accidently is a word, even though accidentally is a word too.

Thank you, rowens! Advice online is contradictory, so hauled out my OED and find you are right, so correcting. I write for recitation and pleased to learn the contraction is not required.

: = ) Lance
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#4
Going through the whole poem, I simply thought the best way to go would be to break up this poem and elaborate on the strongest sections. As it is, it feels too general about everything because it skims over so fast.
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