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[/size][/font]One day you notice
your favorite shirt
is hot red, not blue
the outside porch lights
are shaped like pineapples
you wonder if today is the day
for that epiphany you’ve been
waiting for all your life
Maybe your lover is now Irish,
a lassie who leans her head
slightly to the right when she
kisses you. Someone knocks;
you eagerly open the door;
a lilied field stretches beyond
everything you will ever know
Posts: 845
Threads: 57
Joined: Aug 2013
One day you notice
your favorite shirt
is hot red, not blue
the outside porch lights
are shaped like pineapples
you wonder if today is the day
for that epiphany you’ve been
waiting for all your life
Maybe your lover is now Irish,
a lassie who leans her head
slightly to the right when she
kisses you. Someone knocks;
you eagerly open the door;
a lilied field stretches beyond
everything you will ever know
[/quote]
Hi 71, I like this poem a lot. Finish the punctuation (why only the partial?). I think 'hot pink' might be better than red (more vivid, absurd, humorous and goes with hot). Although, I don't mind 'lilied field', I think that 'field of lilies' expands the grandeur of the vison. I feel that you can make better choices for line breaks, improving emphasis and drama. I read your poem somewhat like this:
One day you notice your favorite
shirt is hot pink, not blue;
the outside porch lights are shaped
like pineapples.
You wonder if today
is the day for that epiphany
you’ve been waiting for
all your life.
Maybe your lover is now Irish,
a lassie who leans her head
slightly to the right when she
kisses you. Someone knocks;
you eagerly open the door;
a field of lilies stretches beyond
everything you will ever know.
See what you think. Nice work!/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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I'm going to have to agree with Chris, the line breaks do seem awkward and do nothing for the flow of the poem. I do like its expansive nature, but I wish I was given some sort of subject focal point, maybe I'm not reading close enough though.
Hank.
Posts: 441
Threads: 98
Joined: Sep 2013
(12-02-2013, 02:44 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote: One day you notice
your favorite shirt
is hot red, not blue
the outside porch lights
are shaped like pineapples
you wonder if today is the day
for that epiphany you’ve been
waiting for all your life
Maybe your lover is now Irish,
a lassie who leans her head
slightly to the right when she
kisses you. Someone knocks;
you eagerly open the door;
a lilied field stretches beyond
everything you will ever know
Hi 71, I like this poem a lot. Finish the punctuation (why only the partial?). I think 'hot pink' might be better than red (more vivid, absurd, humorous and goes with hot). Although, I don't mind 'lilied field', I think that 'field of lilies' expands the grandeur of the vison. I feel that you can make better choices for line breaks, improving emphasis and drama. I read your poem somewhat like this:
One day you notice your favorite
shirt is hot pink, not blue;
the outside porch lights are shaped
like pineapples.
You wonder if today
is the day for that epiphany
you’ve been waiting for
all your life.
Maybe your lover is now Irish,
a lassie who leans her head
slightly to the right when she
kisses you. Someone knocks;
you eagerly open the door;
a field of lilies stretches beyond
everything you will ever know.
See what you think. Nice work!/Chris
[/quote]
Thanks for the read and/or comments. Have to be careful w/the lilies image so it doesn't bump into "Lilies of the Field" (both Bible and movie image). Hot pink is too feminine. Glad you like the poem. Line breaks? Will take a hard look. One can always work on line breaks. Thanks.
(12-07-2013, 11:34 AM)hankabadpoet Wrote: I'm going to have to agree with Chris, the line breaks do seem awkward and do nothing for the flow of the poem. I do like its expansive nature, but I wish I was given some sort of subject focal point, maybe I'm not reading close enough though.
Hank.
Thanks for the read, Hank. Line breaks must do something  Seriously, appreciate the read.
Posts: 70
Threads: 17
Joined: Jan 2013
I like it, it feels sudden and expansive. Some nits:
Quote:One day you notice
your favorite shirt
is hot red, not blue I agree, it only makes sense if it were pink here
the outside porch lights
are shaped like pineapples
you wonder if today is the day
for that epiphany you’ve been
waiting for all your life This stanza could be better. Three lines are a lot, and none of them are adding any images, in a poem that pretty much lives off them. But “epiphany” is good.
Maybe your lover is now Irish, Really like this line. She must've been just as surprised to have her nationality suddenly transmuted.
a lassie who leans her head
slightly to the right when she Yes, this and the above line could have better line breaks.
kisses you. Someone knocks;
you eagerly open the door;
a lilied field stretches beyond
everything you will ever know No complaints out of me. Very nice.
All I could really suggest is more writing, and even more florid images.
Posts: 19
Threads: 4
Joined: Dec 2013
One day you notice
your favorite shirt
is hot red, not blue
the outside porch lights
are shaped like pineapples
you wonder if today is the day
for that epiphany you’ve been
waiting for all your life
Maybe your lover is now Irish,
a lassie who leans her head
slightly to the right when she
kisses you. Someone knocks;
you eagerly open the door;
a lilied field stretches beyond
everything you will ever know
[/quote]
I disagree about changing "hot red" to "hot pink"; it totally gives new meaning to the line, for me. "Hot red" doesn't have feminine connotations, "hot pink" is an unarguably feminine juxtaposition to masculine blue. Is that what you're going for? Pineapple-shaped porch lights and 'hot red' bring words like 'torrid' or 'sultry' to mind.
As for the epiphany stanza, I would go for a reword; e.g., "you wonder if today that long-awaited epiphany will appear".
I would rather read, "eagerly, you open the door; a lilied field stretching beyond all you will ever know"; more dynamic, less passive. Sorry if that was redundant.
Liking it. Would appreciate clarity about the shirt colors, if you wouldn't mind.
My shit list runs horizontally - there's always room for you at the top
Posts: 441
Threads: 98
Joined: Sep 2013
(12-09-2013, 08:00 AM)trailertrash Wrote: One day you notice
your favorite shirt
is hot red, not blue
the outside porch lights
are shaped like pineapples
you wonder if today is the day
for that epiphany you’ve been
waiting for all your life
Maybe your lover is now Irish,
a lassie who leans her head
slightly to the right when she
kisses you. Someone knocks;
you eagerly open the door;
a lilied field stretches beyond
everything you will ever know
I disagree about changing "hot red" to "hot pink"; it totally gives new meaning to the line, for me. "Hot red" doesn't have feminine connotations, "hot pink" is an unarguably feminine juxtaposition to masculine blue. Is that what you're going for? Pineapple-shaped porch lights and 'hot red' bring words like 'torrid' or 'sultry' to mind.
As for the epiphany stanza, I would go for a reword; e.g., "you wonder if today that long-awaited epiphany will appear".
I would rather read, "eagerly, you open the door; a lilied field stretching beyond all you will ever know"; more dynamic, less passive. Sorry if that was redundant.
Liking it. Would appreciate clarity about the shirt colors, if you wouldn't mind.
[/quote]
Hot pink is too disco...too Apple iPod for this poem. Red/blue are polar opposites. Guys don't think in "pink"...they want a Candy Apple red convertible (e.g. the most popular color for flash). Thanks for your other mentions. I agree w/most of them.
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