Beneath the Shadow Fall

[tectak]

Look lest you loose your sight and die
before the leaf falls gold to ground;
when breath becomes an elixir
that takes the old to make the new.

Beneath the pointillistic rug,
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
a trillion tendrilled, pallid threads.

Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyful blush of verdant hue!
From out of locked life-sentence, freed!
Up, up to raise the flags again.

So gaze upon the crimson crowns
against the strangeness of chill air;
blue never can describe the ache
which winter skies bring autumned eyes.

We cry the tears to beg for time
that misting distance brings to sight;
best look beneath the shadow-fall
the nearer to new coming life.

tectak
Drumlanrig 2013

[beaufort]

Look lest you loose your sight and die
before the leaf falls gold to ground;
when breath becomes an elixir to my ear, "elixir" is a bit off-putting. How about "when breath becomes the alchemy" ?
that takes the old to make the new.

Beneath the pointillistic rug,
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
a trillion tendrilled, pallid threads.

Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyfull blush of verdant hue! joyful
From out of locked life-sentence, freed! "Released from locked life-sentence, freed!"
Up, up to raise the flags again.

So gaze upon the crimson crowns I really like the way this sounds
against the strangeness of chill air;
blue never can describe the ache "no shade of blue describes the ache"
which winter skies bring autumned eyes. I would use "that" instead of "which", though realize that you use "that" in L2 of the last stanza

We cry the tears to beg for time
that misting distance brings to sight; if you change "which" to "that" in the previous stanza, could write "the misting distance brings to sight"'
best look beneath the shadow-fall
the nearer to new coming life. "the" doesn't seem to fit here - "draws nearer to new coming life" ?


These are my thoughts. I find this to be emotionally engaging and quite lovely. The changes I suggested resulted from reading the poem aloud - hope they might be helpful. I am a bit intimidated to "critique" this but so be it. Great stuff. Thanks.
tectak
Drumlanrig 2013

[tectak]

Look lest you loose your sight and die
before the leaf falls gold to ground;
when breath becomes an elixir to my ear, "elixir" is a bit off-putting. How about "when breath becomes the alchemy" ?
that takes the old to make the new.

Beneath the pointillistic rug,
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
a trillion tendrilled, pallid threads.

Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyful blush of verdant hue! joyful...thanks beaufort
From out of locked life-sentence, freed! "Released from locked life-sentence, freed!"
Up, up to raise the flags again.

So gaze upon the crimson crowns I really like the way this sounds
against the strangeness of chill air;
blue never can describe the ache "no shade of blue describes the ache"
which winter skies bring autumned eyes. I would use "that" instead of "which", though realize that you use "that" in L2 of the last stanza

We cry the tears to beg for time
that misting distance brings to sight; if you change "which" to "that" in the previous stanza, could write "the misting distance brings to sight"'
best look beneath the shadow-fall
the nearer to new coming life. "the" doesn't seem to fit here - "draws nearer to new coming life" ?


These are my thoughts. I find this to be emotionally engaging and quite lovely. The changes I suggested resulted from reading the poem aloud - hope they might be helpful. I am a bit intimidated to "critique" this but so be it. Great stuff. Thanks.
tectak
Drumlanrig 2013

Thank you beaufort, for your perception. I eat everything the crits offer up to me. Your points will be addressed as far as I am able (and willing) in an imminent edit. For the time being I will let it stew to see if there is a developing consensus. Some meaningful expressions, to me, are probably too obscure and will need clarification if not eradication. I do not think I have made the Scottish version any clearer but it was a whole lot more fun to write!
There is only one holding point re. "from out of..." instead of "released from...". I want to emphasise the FABRICATION of new life OUT of old rather than the ESCAPE...though as you noted the use of "free" rather implies the breaking out of confinement. It is a moot point.
Best,
tectak

[Truerenigma]

Look lest you loose your sight and die
before the leaf falls gold to ground;
when breath becomes an elixir the sonics are off in elixer. I'm not sure if it's to the detriment of the poem or not, but pronouncing it to fit the meter would be extremely awkward.
that takes the old to make the new.

Beneath the pointillistic rug,
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
a trillion tendrilled, pallid threads. A trillion feels too handy next to tendrilled. If you said a million, I'd say it's a lot but okay. If you said a billion, I'd say it's a bit much but I can buy it, I guess you mean there a really a lot of threads. A trillion? hmmm..why a trillion? oh.. it starts with a "t".

Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyful blush of verdant hue! Joyful blush of verdant hue sounds like faux-archaic-poeticism
From out of locked life-sentence, freed!
Up, up to raise the flags again.

So gaze upon the crimson crowns
against the strangeness of chill air;
blue never can describe the ache
which winter skies bring autumned eyes.

We cry the tears to beg for time The definite article before tears seems unneeded and feels like metrical padding.
that misting distance brings to sight;
best look beneath the shadow-fall
the nearer to new coming life.

tectak
Drumlanrig 2013

The locations in which you write your poems are far more interesting than where I write mine. Give me those ancient stone walls anyday.

---

Oh, it goes without saying I like the rest, yeah? Otherwise I would have said something. The metaphor and concept is... well...worthy of a poem.

[tectak]

Look lest you loose your sight and die
before the leaf falls gold to ground;
when breath becomes elixir
that takes the old to make the new.

Beneath the pointillistic rug,
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
ten thousand tendrilled, pallid threads.

Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyful blush of verdant hue!
From out of locked life-sentence, freed.
Up, up to raise the flags again!

So gaze upon the crimson crowns
against the strangeness of chill air;
blue never can describe the sky
that brings the ache to autumned eyes.

We cry our tears to beg for time
that misting distance brings to sight;
best look beneath the shadow-fall
the nearer to new coming life.

original

Look lest you loose your sight and die
before the leaf falls gold to ground;
when breath becomes an elixir
that takes the old to make the new.

Beneath the pointillistic rug,
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
a trillion tendrilled, pallid threads.

Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyful blush of verdant hue!
From out of locked life-sentence, freed!
Up, up to raise the flags again.

So gaze upon the crimson crowns
against the strangeness of chill air;
blue never can describe the ache
which winter skies bring autumned eyes.

We cry the tears to beg for time
that misting distance brings to sight;
best look beneath the shadow-fall
the nearer to new coming life.

tectak
Drumlanrig 2013

[LanceRocks]

Beneath the pointillistic rug,
deep-piled and dank on sleeping earth
the creeping, seeking seeds send out
a trillion tendrilled, pallid threads.

Each strand, though blind, will meet the day
with joyful blush of verdant hue!
From out of locked life-sentence, freed!
Up, up to raise the flags again.

I thought this was very good, particularly the pontillistic rug stanza cited above. (In 1982 I compared humanity to a moth-eaten rug, so I'm biased.)

For critique, "...joyful blush of verdant hue" rings antique and precious to my ear, "verdant" in particular.

But then, I'm a blond surfer from Los Angeles, where any building over 40 years old is razed to the ground for new construction.

Great job!

Lance