(open on a near deserted alleyway, half past midnight.)

[PoetryAndPhysics]

i can't breathe.
someone help me, please call an ambulance.
i'm in such pain right now.
so sorry, it would just be nice to have that ambulance.
in no rush i'd assure you if
there is anything, but there isn't, so...
i'm not at liberty to say a thing.
and you know that there
aren't any words, and
any of those things that are
not there, well,
they're always, well,
anyway, i
only wanted one.

[hankabadpoet]

Perhaps a stanza break would be welcome? It all seems to run together to me and I definitely hear a change in tone between lines 3 and 4, so maybe a break there would illustrate that better.
It also looses clarity towards the end, I'm sure that is intentional though, it's an interesting effect if it is.
I like it quite a lot, particularly the first half. It reads like the first time a puppy barks and is a bit a surprised and frightened by it. I feel like the narrator makes a fervent demand for help and then backs away due to being unsure of his/herself.
Hank.

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Thanks Hank, I think you're right about breaking this up into stanzas. Yep, I wanted the narrator to go unconscious while talking to someone, due to some unknown injury (in my mind, he was a mobster either gunned down or poisoned). I really like your unsure narrator interpretation, need to expand on that.

[jdvanwijk]

I like the concept of the poem, but the poem itself doesn't work for me yet. From "I'm not at liberty..." the poem goes into a cryptic ramble (which is of course realistic when someone passes out ). But I think the challenge here is to write something that gives the impression of rambling, but is still somehow understandable for the reader. As it is, it didn't work for me that way yet.

All best,
Jan

i can't breathe.
someone help me, please call an ambulance.
i'm in such pain right now.
so sorry, it would just be nice to have that ambulance.
in no rush i'd assure you if
there is anything, but there isn't, so...
i'm not at liberty to say a thing.
and you know that there
aren't any words, and
any of those things that are
not there, well,
they're always, well,
anyway, i
only wanted one.

[milo]

i can't breathe.
someone help me, please call an ambulance.
i'm in such pain right now.
so sorry, it would just be nice to have that ambulance.
in no rush i'd assure you if
there is anything, but there isn't, so...
i'm not at liberty to say a thing.
and you know that there
aren't any words, and
any of those things that are
not there, well,
they're always, well,
anyway, i
only wanted one.

I get that you are writing like this to represent state of mind but I can't help but think prose would be a better medium for this situation. There is no particular enjoyment in the reading and no reason to ever read it more than once, I don't get the point of making this a poem.

[Bemh]

I feel like this was interesting, but might be better off as prose. Nothing really had any poetic "shock value" for me at least. But hey, Im no expert.

[HalfOpenArms]

This poem lacks substance in my opinion. What's the point? What were you hoping to communicate, that people become incoherent as they die/fall unconscious? The rambling added very little, I think. As a previous commenter said, the rambling itself should contain more substance. If your inspiration was a poisoned mob boss, make that clear. Maybe as he dies, he decides to confess his sins--something like that.

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Hi all, thanks for the responses. This was one in a series of rambling poems I did (this one being the most accessible, so, edit and post). The false dilemma I sort of faced with it was, if I edit it more for imagery and the like (poetry ), it would defeat the purpose of it being a rambling poem. Of course, there's an element of hubris as well; I probably like hearing the sound of my own voice/ramblings much more than a reader would. Anyway, I liked what I perceived to be the frank openness of the first few lines, as well as hankabadpoet's suggestion with the insecurity angle...

milo and bemh- prose might be a stretch for me. All of my, shall we call it, recreational writing output, has been poetry for a number of years now, so there's not much chance for me turning this into prose (and if I start writing prose, some day I hope, it wont start with this). I can see how it lends itself to that, but if anything it would be another one for the dustbin, not a new short story.

[trailertrash]

Perhaps a stanza break would be welcome? It all seems to run together to me and I definitely hear a change in tone between lines 3 and 4, so maybe a break there would illustrate that better.
It also looses clarity towards the end, I'm sure that is intentional though, it's an interesting effect if it is.
I like it quite a lot, particularly the first half. It reads like the first time a puppy barks and is a bit a surprised and frightened by it. I feel like the narrator makes a fervent demand for help and then backs away due to being unsure of his/herself.
Hank.

Maybe he was high when he wrote it, which contributed to its progressive state of passivity. I'm excited with the concept, now. I would read the ramblings of a paranoid stoner with great interest. That would be a fun rewrite. Seriously :-D

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Trailertrash, who are you talking to, me or hank? Because either way, you didn't contribute anything here, regardless of the poem's caliber. If you have nothing to say, go somewhere else to say it.