Our Last Time (edit)

[Glittercake]

I don't know why I'm still here
I should be heading home
I don't have anything to fear
Just a quiet house to roam.

Smoke in the neon lights
Reflect my pain tonight,
Can we just pretend
It'll never happen again?

Your hair swept in a halo,
Flushed cheeks and closed eyes
So innocent and perfect,
That's the way you look tonight.

Am I a fool
For loving how you make me feel?
The sound of traffic has me reminiscing
More reasons why these wounds will never heal.

I'll kiss you before I go
But you won't even know
You're already sleeping
I whisper in your ear "You're the only one I'm seeing"

Warm breath, red wine
I know it's past time,
Should I stay, should I leave?
Will there be explaining to do if you wake up to me?

Am I that forgettable?
Am I so predictable?
What do you do to me?
Can you see right through me?

Should I pretend not to care,
As I make my way towards the stairs,
One hand reaching for the door,
But what do I have these feelings for?

I sit down and put my head against the wall
I really don't want to fall,
I'm too drunk for this, too high for this,
And my lips are still trembling from our last kiss.

I decide that I'll stay,
I just can't go away,
But only for tonight
I swear this is our last time.

[Charlesjoseph]

Hey Glitter,
I've read this a bunch of times and although this edit is better than your original i still think you need to work a few things out. First thing stop forcing your rhymes like Rowens said they are boxing you into a corner. Loosen up....cut this down to the core of your thoughts. If you must rhyme don't be stiff with it create a rhythm and hold the form throughout.

loose example:

I sit down with my head against the wall, (the last word here will rhyme with my third line)
too drunk for this, too high for this,
Jesus Christ! i hope i don't fall.

well that's pretty awful but you get the idea right? Ride the pattern out....

Also: Never give up.

Smoke in the neon lights reflect my pain tonight, ( I really like this. If this were my poem i'd open with this. It is a very good line.)

Cheers,
Chazz

[Glittercake]

Thanks for your help. I see how my rhymes are boxed in, but I edited the lines so every single one of them has purpose other than to rhyme like Rowens pointed out. I'll try to cut it down and format a strict rhythm for the flow of the poem when I edit it next. Thank you and I like that line too, I think I'm going to switch the first two stanzas and edit them.

Thanks again.