"Grain of Salt"

[ellz483]

I've given up on promises
Making them. Keeping them. Believing them.
They're lies in sheep's clothing
To be digested with a mountain, not grain, of salt
With the sole purpose of convincing some child
That the world is brighter, safer than it is.
The promise, the primrose of hypocrisy!
Because no one is ever sure that something can and will happen
Beyond a reasonable doubt.
And if they say they're certain,
They're not interested in the truth.
Because the truth is,
Promises were made to be broken.

[wowalexan]

I've given up on promises
Making them. Keeping them. Believing them.
They're lies in sheep's clothing
To be digested with a mountain, not grain, of salt
With the sole purpose of convincing some child
That the world is brighter, safer than it is.
The promise, the primrose of hypocrisy!
Because no one is ever sure that something can and will happen
Beyond a reasonable doubt.
And if they say they're certain,
They're not interested in the truth.
Because the truth is,
Promises were made to be broken.

Great symbolism, and truth was spoken

[GoodtimeJesus]

I've given up on promises
Making them. Keeping them. Believing them.
They're lies in sheep's clothing
To be digested with a mountain, not grain, of salt
With the sole purpose of convincing some child
That the world is brighter, safer than it is.
The promise, the primrose of hypocrisy!
Because no one is ever sure that something can and will happen
Beyond a reasonable doubt.
And if they say they're certain,
They're not interested in the truth.
Because the truth is,
Promises were made to be broken.

I enjoyed reading this! My favorite parts were where you played around with cliche or conventional language a little - "lies in sheep's clothing", "To be digested with a mountain, not grain, of salt" and "primrose of hypocrisy" really stood out. It made me think about the received language we have to talk about truth and falsehood, and how strange it can be. A poet who does this really well is Kay Ryan (see "Crocodile Tears"), and there's this great article by Joe Weil about playing with cliches that I've found really helpful and I think gets at what you're trying to do here (unless I'm completely misreading you!). Hope that helps - I think you've got some really appealing ideas here that, as a reader, I'd love to see more fleshed out.

[tomoffing]

Some suggestions included below.

Thanks for the read, asking some questions that not enough people do I think.

Btw you shouldn't capitalize every line. only those following full stops, exclamations, question marks etc. Not commas.
Have a read of some of the poems in the more advanced forums and you'll get the idea.

I've given up on promises Full stop here?
Making them. Keeping them. Believing them. This is a strong opening. The repetition gives completeness to your disillusionment.
They're lies in sheep's clothing nice wordplay with a familiar cliche, good image
To be digested with a mountain, not grain, of salt Another fine image, but these two lines together don't work for me. Are you eating the lies or wolves. perhaps try splitting the images somehow.
With the sole purpose of convincing some child
That the world is brighter, safer than it is. There's nothing happening in these lines, your idea has great potential though. Try to find an active metaphor to illustrate this. sinister santa clause, or an evil easter bunny maybe.
The promise, the primrose of hypocrisy! Good wordplay again, but the primrose has no context. I need more to understand you.
Because no one is ever sure that something can and will happen Too many words here. 'No one's sure something will happen, or even can" maybe
Beyond a reasonable doubt.
And if they say they're certain, Don't need "And" here
They're not interested in the truth.
Because the truth is, Again you don't need because. I think these lines would be improved by referring generally to truth in your first line. E.G.
"They're not interested in truth.
The truth is,"
Promises were made to be broken.

[mcpon14]

I kind of think that you used too many cliches, including in the title. Other than that, it read really well.

[tectak]

I've given up on promises
Making them. Keeping them. Believing them.
They're lies in sheep's clothing
To be digested with a mountain, not grain, of salt
With the sole purpose of convincing some child
That the world is brighter, safer than it is.
The promise, the primrose of hypocrisy!
Because no one is ever sure that something can and will happen
Beyond a reasonable doubt.
And if they say they're certain,
They're not interested in the truth.
Because the truth is,
Promises were made to be broken.

Great symbolism, and truth was spoken

This terse crit does not serve you or the author well. Please try to offer up some meaningful narrative.
Mod.

[LanceRocks]

I've given up on promises
Making them. Keeping them. Believing them.
They're lies in sheep's clothing
To be digested with a mountain, not grain, of salt
With the sole purpose of convincing some child
That the world is brighter, safer than it is.
The promise, the primrose of hypocrisy!
Because no one is ever sure that something can and will happen
Beyond a reasonable doubt.
And if they say they're certain,
They're not interested in the truth.
Because the truth is,
Promises were made to be broken.

Your first two lines are excellent, but then you fall prey to various poetic maladies.

1. I am unalterably opposed to capitalizing every line for no reason. It's an antique convention which no longer holds.

2. Orwell's First Rule for effective writing is to never use a metaphor, simile or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print. "Sheep's clothing" violates this advice.

3. The #1 Universal Guideline of creative writing is "Show, don't tell." When it comes to gauzy abstractions like "truth," the Guideline becomes an imperative.

I think you have a lot of promise because you have something to say and you are direct about it: no flowery language here, which is all to the good. The three precepts I've mentioned can be learned and implemented with time and practice. Great start!

Lance