Fighting life, edit 2

[justcloudy]

edit 2, tom again

For honor’s sword they marched along
to where they were not welcome.
their footsteps filled with ruined lives
but wrecking left them broken.

Behind them trailed shadows of rust,
while climbing over dead men,
with wild, dripping eyes and hair
they howled for hope and heaven.

On far-flung stage they stumbled on
forgetting what had brought them,
they boxed and veiled their misery,
for stopping was no option.



edit 1, thanks Chazz, rowens and tom

For honor’s sword they marched along
to where they were not welcome.
Wreckage cluttered their footsteps,
but wrecking left them broken.

Casting down shadows of rust,
while climbing over dead men,
with wild eyes and streaming hair,
they howled for hope and heaven.

On far-flung stage they stumbled on
forgetting what had brought them,
they boxed and veiled their misery--
for stopping was no option.



original

For honor’s sword they went along
to where they were not welcome;
they left havoc in their wake,
but wrecking left them broken.

Their shadows rust, and looks downcast,
they stumbled over dead men.
Their eyes were wild and feet immense;
they howled for hope and heaven.

On far-flung stage they clambered on
forgetting what had brought them,
they boxed and veiled their misery--
hearts could no longer open.

[Charlesjoseph]

For honor’s sword they went along
to where they were not welcome; ( i like this opening)
they left havoc in their wake,
but wrecking left them broken. (the last two lines confuse me)

Their shadows rust, and looks downcast,
they stumbled over dead men.
Their eyes were wild and feet immense;
they howled for hope and heaven. (if you edit the they/ their i think this verse will clean right up)

On far-flung stage they clambered on
forgetting what had brought them, (I like this)
they boxed and veiled their misery-- (this As well)
hearts could no longer open. (Sounds and reads clunky to me)

Hey cloudy,
I think there are to many they/their here. Your first line is really good perhaps you should follow the rhythm of that line throughout it has a good feel to it. Hope this was more help than hinderance.
Chazz

[justcloudy]

Hey Chazz, thanks for your comments.

S1 L3-4 are talking about soldiers (or anyone really) who leave destruction in their paths, but as a result become distraught themselves. Wrecking the lives of others wrecks their own as well. I'm disappointed that wasn't clearer, I'll think on that, thanks for pointing out that you had a problem with it.

I knew someone would mention all the "they"s but I seriously, honestly cannot figure out how to take them out without totally restructuring the stanza. But maybe that's what's called for.

And yes I fought with that last line for a long time. I'll revisit.

'Preciate your time! Thanks!

-justcloudy

[rowens]

For honor’s sword they went along
to where they were not welcome;
they left havoc in their wake,
but wrecking left them broken.


At first I didn't like wrecking; then I did. But I might change my mind.



Their shadows rust, and looks downcast,

What looks downcast? Oh, you mean their looks downcast, as in they look down?



they stumbled over dead men.
Their eyes were wild and feet immense;
they howled for hope and heaven.

On far-flung stage they clambered on
forgetting what had brought them,
they boxed and veiled their misery--
hearts could no longer open.

Some of the lines merge past and present, but maybe that's a good thing. Still, it feels rough in places.

You need to loosen up if you want to get rid of all the they/theirs; and if you want your poems to not feel stiff. Imagine all the different ways people talk, the many ways things can be said.

[justcloudy]

Thanks for the advice rowens, always appreciated.

-jc

[tomoffing]

Hey Cloudy,

Similar to chazz, I was uncertain of your meaning in the first stanza.
I think you could develop your verbs to clarify that without altering your structure too much (as the rhythm is excellent with a couple of exceptions).

suggestions below.

quote='justcloudy' pid='148225' dateline='1385414202']
For honor’s sword they went along "went along" does not say soldiers to me. "marched headlong" maybe.
to where they were not welcome;
they left havoc in their wake,
but wrecking left them broken.
I enjoy the image you're constructing, but think you can do better with the language. also 'left havoc' doesn't work out loud , the sounds blend. what about,
"wreckage scattered in their wake,
the havoc left them broken"
or if you want to broaden this from only the soldiers you could try "havoc leaves us broken."

Their shadows rust, and looks downcast,
they stumbled over dead men. if they are looking down, why would they stumble?
Their eyes were wild and feet immense;
they howled for hope and heaven. great two lines, esp the second, beautiful alliteration.

On far-flung stage they clambered on clamber doesn't quite fit for me. feels as though it needs an object. And suggests something to be overcome, whereas I feel as though you are aiming for the inevitable or insurmountable element. (i could be wildly wrong)
forgetting what had brought them,
they boxed and veiled their misery--
hearts could no longer open. lovely finish but the rhythm could be improved in this last line.
[/quote]


On rereading my points, I think you could exchange stumble in S2 for clamber in S3 and improve both images??

You do as you please obviously, these are totally novice opinions.

Great work overall. I'll look forward to any edits/revisions.
Thanks

[justcloudy]

Lovely suggestions Tom, esp the stumble/clamber switch, that's genius.

Thanks much for the comments! =]

-justcloudy

---

OK edit posted. I think the language flows better now but I feel like I'm forcing the rhythm now. Not sure. Thoughts?

[tomoffing]

edit 1, thanks Chazz, rowens and tom

For honor’s sword they marched along
to where they were not welcome.
Wreckage cluttered their footsteps,
but wrecking left them broken.

Casting down shadows of rust,
while climbing over dead men,
with wild eyes and streaming hair,
they howled for hope and heaven.

On far-flung stage they stumbled on
forgetting what had brought them,
they boxed and veiled their misery--
for stopping was no option.



original

For honor’s sword they went along
to where they were not welcome;
they left havoc in their wake,
but wrecking left them broken.

Their shadows rust, and looks downcast,
they stumbled over dead men.
Their eyes were wild and feet immense;
they howled for hope and heaven.

On far-flung stage they clambered on
forgetting what had brought them,
they boxed and veiled their misery--
hearts could no longer open.

Great improvements Cloudy,

Lines 3 and 4 still stutter rhythmically, but i'm sure you will work that out in due course.

You can do more with L3, S2. Its a bit flat. Perhaps try to work both adjectives onto both nouns to add another layer? "their hair and eyes, wild and streaming"

Much prefer the new closing line.

Nice work.

[justcloudy]

Yea it was just a quick edit tom, hopefully I'll have more time to iron it out tonight.

Interesting idea about L3, S2... thanks for pointing out that it's not having the full effect it could, not sure I would've seen that on my own but now it's so obvious.

Thanks for your time!!

-justcloudy

---

edit 2 posted

---

Btw in S1 L3 "filled" is supposed to be past tense, not the passive. Does it work?

[Charlesjoseph]

Hey Cloudy,
I read this this morning and thought it may help you out in some way like a reference point of some kind.
all the best
Chazz


The Courage to be New by Robert Frost

I hear the world reciting
The mistakes of ancient men,
The brutality and fighting
They will never have again.

Heartbroken and disabled
In body and in mind
They renew talk of the fabled
Federation of Mankind.

But they're blessed with the acumen
To suspect the human trait
Was not the basest human
That made them militate.

They will tell you more as soon as
You tell them what to do
With their ever breaking newness
And their courage to be new.