Ashen

[Mungo man]

Desolated streets with wagon tracks;
No people.
Empty stalls with scattered wares;
Run people.
Ashen skinned plaque prophecied;
Dead people.
Turning from the city gate he flees;
Into the night.

A bedroll strapped to his pack
Is thrown down, unrolled,
And in the underbrush he settles.
Visions of rotting city streets;
of great cities and great men fallen.
People that lie covered by reapers
of buzzard fleshed demons.
These thoughts come to him as
clouds of human ashes falling from the sky.

Horrors mix with suffocating odors as
he falls fitfully asleep:
Oh city of mine, oh home of mine.
Will it be okay this time?
These half starved dreamscape vagrants disagree and gather at town square to burn it down.
It shall end this time,
This world of mine.
It will burn this time,
This world of mine.

[rowens]

There are a few errors. The second stanza has the best stuff, but has awkward lines and punctuation too.

[makeshift]

Desolated streets with wagon tracks;
No people.
Empty stalls with scattered wares;
Run people.
Ashen skinned plaque prophecied; This line sounds nice. Plaque feels like plague, so thats cool ^^
Dead people.
Turning from the city gate he flees;
Into the night. I could see this first stanza broken into couplets, might be worth trying. The images are nice here. Not sure what to think of the run people, dead people thing.

A bedroll strapped to his pack
Is thrown down, unrolled,
And in the underbrush he settles. You dont need the "and" imo and it may read better flipped "he settles in the underbrush" though really the line before implies settling so you may want to rework this line completely idk idk
Visions of rotting city streets;
of great cities and great men fallen. The capitalization seems inconsistent, could probably get away with dropping "of"
People that lie covered by reapers
of buzzard fleshed demons.
These thoughts come to him as
clouds of human ashes falling from the sky.

Horrors mix with suffocating odors as might want to describe the suffocating odors
he falls fitfully asleep:
Oh city of mine, oh home of mine.
Will it be okay this time?
These half starved dreamscape vagrants disagree and gather at town "half starved dreamscape vagrants" is nice, very imaginative, but the length of this line feels unwarrented square to burn it down.
It shall end this time,
This world of mine.
It will burn this time,
This world of mine. This is the weakest stanza imo it dosn't say a lot compared to the first two

Good images throughout, very grotesque at time ^^. Jmho thnx for sharing

[Charlesjoseph]

Hey mungoman,
I think you should read THE ROAD By Cormac McCarthy. Also cut this down to bare bones and make each line count. Watch the redundancy and go easy on your descriptors.

perhaps start with something like this:

Turning from the city gate he flees,
A bedroll strapped to his pack,
behind him....ect... ect...

Good luck,
Chazz