Little Seed

[Polar Bear]

A tree is a little explosion
of light in slowest motion.
Hanging your thoughts
on leaves and dreams
in root, one day a bloom
will come to fruit
to be enjoyed by those
living in time simple enough
to rest next such a
conflagration of color
and wind in the arms
of the old earth.

[Mitya]

The first two lines comprise a single sentence, but the next 10 lines do the same. You might want to consider breaking up that long second sentence. Also, it is a little difficult for me to picture a tree as an explosion of light. What kind of tree? There are many different specie and variety of tree.

Although, since you talk about it exploding, I'm thinking it is a canadian oak, perhaps? The second sentence has a strange metaphor, and I'm not sure exactly what it's trying to say.

[Polar Bear]

Thanks for the criticism! I'm having a hard time with meter and rhythm, so it's good to hear any thoughts there.... funny that I have a 10 line sentence... gonna have to do something about that.

[Mungo man]

A tree is a little explosion
of light in slowest motion.
Hanging your thoughts
on leaves and dreams
in root, one day a bloom 'in root' throws me off here. You were talking about hanging your thoughts on the highest part of the tree and leaving your dreams in the soil. Is this a veiled way of saying that your dreams and hopes have a way of nurturing people as they grow up? Because that's deep. But you might want to rethink the rhythmic scheme on this. That's if you want it to flow smoothly. It's your call
will come to fruit
to be enjoyed by those
living in time simple enough
to rest next such a it feels like some words are missing in these last 6 lines. I kind of enjoy your Conflagration of color being put to rest by 'in the arms of the old earth' . But what about *ancient*?
conflagration of color
and wind in the arms
of the old earth.

Hey polar bear, I feel like I need to make some over-all comments on it. This was hard to really fix because the phrasing and line breaks (and some parts I really don't understand) make it hard for me to fix grammar mistakes. If you went through and made a few more revisions to meter, structure, and rewording and whatnot then I can give you some more meaningful advice.

I liked it though, its got spirit, and I think you can do great things with some practice.

p.s. I know this sounds hella boring, but if you spend a few minutes a day (or more) reading about meter then you kind of start to see how rhythm affects the effectiveness of your poem.

[Mikeodial]

A tree is a little explosion
of light in slowest motion.
Hanging thoughts on leaves and dreams
take root,
Appearing,
one day, blooming, in fruit;
Ready for enjoyment.

Simple times.
Now rest,
savored by those
conflagration of colors
and wind in the arms
of the old earth.
Waving the signal of nature.

A little simplification of words may help the reader pause when you appear to intend them to do so. Ponder the salient points of the poem.

It will add the gentle rhythm included in the original. You might consider two verses (as above) to emphasize that point.

A final line to bring the reader to your conclusion might be considered.

A tree is a little explosion
of light in slowest motion.
Hanging your thoughts
on leaves and dreams
in root, one day a bloom
will come to fruit
to be enjoyed by those
living in time simple enough
to rest next such a
conflagration of color
and wind in the arms
of the old earth.

[Polar Bear]

Thanks for all the replies!

Yes, I am in general agreement across the board - working with line-breaks and the meter to develop a more readable rhythm, more study of those topics in order also (one can never have too much study).

This was one of the more 'ripe' poems, and I wanted to just let it get out there before I took the editor's knife, but now that it's settled a day or so I think I can do so without being too ham-handed, especially with your help. Thanks!