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I don't know why I'm still here
I should be heading home
I don't have anything to fear
I'm just so alone.
Smoke in the neon lights
Reflect my pain tonight
Can we just pretend
It'll never happen again.
I'll kiss you before I go
But you won't know
You're already sleeping
I whisper in your ear "You're the only one I'm seeing"
Warm breath, red wine
We both know it's past time
Should I stay, should I leave?
Will there be explaining to do if you wake up to me?
Am I that forgettable?
Am I so predictable?
What do you do to me?
Can you see right through me?
Should I go?
I just don't know.
One hand is reaching for the door,
Why do I have these feelings though?
I sit down and put my head against the wall
I really don't want to fall.
I'm too drunk for this, too high for this,
And my lips are still trembling from our last kiss.
I decide that I'll stay
I can't just go away
But only for tonight,
I swear this is our last time.
Posts: 25
Threads: 6
Joined: Nov 2013
(11-24-2013, 02:23 PM)Glittercake Wrote: * nice, strong title *
I don't know why I'm still here
I should be heading home
I don't have anything to fear
I'm just so alone.
Smoke in the neon lights
Reflect my pain tonight
Can we just pretend
It'll never happen again.
I'll kiss you before I go
But you won't know
You're already sleeping
I whisper in your ear "You're the only one I'm seeing"
Warm breath, red wine
We both know it's past time
Should I stay, should I leave?
Will there be explaining to do if you wake up to me? * These last sentences in the stanza both have 14 syllables and the way they simultaneously reinforce a relationship and create a sense of distance between 'the only one I'm seeing.'
Am I that forgettable?
Am I so predictable?
What do you do to me?
Can you see right through me? * this line falls slightly flatter than the rest. It contrasts with the first 2-3 lines in the stanza. The first two flow well and the third sentence seems to raise the emotional pitch; then sentence 4 kind of left me wanting. *
Should I go?
I just don't know.
One hand is reaching for the door,
Why do I have these feelings though? * these feeling though? Come on, you can do better than that 
the rest of this poem is proof of that. It seems out of place with the atmosphere you've created. *
I sit down and put my head against the wall
I really don't want to fall.
I'm too drunk for this, too high for this,
And my lips are still trembling from our last kiss. * great way to introduce the decision made in the final stanza. *
I decide that I'll stay
I can't just go away
But only for tonight,
I swear this is our last time. It really drives home the decision that the speaker was concerned with throughout the entirety of the poem. It also served to reinforce the hopelessness they seem to feel at being too weak to get away. I hope I helped and overall it seems like you did a really great job. *
That was beautiful :'D in a... dark, emotionally raw sense. Thank you for sharing that and just know... Great imagery.
Posts: 21
Threads: 11
Joined: Apr 2013
Thanks so much for the compliments and suggestions.
The line in question "Why do I have these feelings though?" Was originally "What do I have these feelings for?" I eventually decided on the first cause I thought it sounded better, but what do you think?
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Threads: 6
Joined: Nov 2013
The original phrasing makes more sense in the scheme of things. But there's no reason not to see ifni better line comes to you some time in the future.
interesting idea: maybe at some point, for the sake of poetic exploration, decide to raise the fever pitch of the stanza and use something like: One hand is reaching for the door, the other scrabbling feebly against the floor." aha a little dark, but it's interesting to think about all the ways you could express deeper and sharper meaning.
food for thought
lostinadventure
Unregistered
I decide that I'll stay
I can't just go away
But only for tonight,
I swear this is our last time.
I like the flow of the poem, and the rhythm is very catchy.
but perhaps you should add another stanza as to describe your feelings in the house, and how your feelings now differ from the promises that you originally made.
Furthermore, it is quite difficult to understand whether or not you are cheating on your partner, or whether they are the ones who are cheating on you?
Finally , in order to really drive home the point, try and write a stanza about how innocent the partner is.
I hope this helps rather than confused you!
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Joined: Apr 2013
Thanks
and my friend said it sounded more like a song than a poem, because I write both, so I understand why it's so catchy.
The poem is not about cheating at all... It's about that one person we all run back to even though we broke up or stopped seeing each other. This poem is essentially about this girl that I get drunk or high with and we end up making love even though we aren't together anymore. Every time it happens we see it as a mistake and say it's the last time...
This is my favorite poem I've ever written because of how real it is and I want to try adding another stanza, thanks for the suggestion.
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Joined: Apr 2013
I see what you mean. I'll try to change it up by adding more imagery and less reiterating. I think that the first stanza and the third to last stanza are the worst ones. I'll try to improve those.
