The Moment Pill

[Mikeodial]

The devil’s pulse is the heartbeat of happiness;
Or what you think it might be.
A moment of pleasure that doesn’t’ dissolve instantly;
But leaves wanting for a moment lasting for another,
Moment.

Pretty soon I am addicted to moment pills,
Living in future meaningless moments
which destroy,
or never arrive.
Driven by a passion to satisfy needs
which can never be satisfied.
All the time separating me from God.

 
It is a great disguise,
Happiness seems like a nice coat to put on,
everyone wants one;
“So try this one, first one is free”
leading to somewhere
To regret immensely.

Put out those old fires you thought were happiness
Lives that you might have lived,
lives that you still could live, if only,
I did this, met this person,
an imaginary life of happiness.
Like some J. D. Salinger,
living my fantasy though books,
only worse.
Really living it.
Hurting many along the way.

 
Listening to the pulse, the primeval sound of future happiness,
The pounding of desire,
couldhavebeen,
shouldhavebeen,
stillmighthavebeen,
those vinyl records still playing,
memories, scratches and all.

Erase all for the present,
lead a life authentically,
In the present, now,
With the gifts I have, and those most precious given to me.
So I may have peace and joy,
Not the happiness of the moment.

[FATALSHORES]

I like it! +1

[milo]

I like it! +1

since the author doesn't know you, how useful is this comment?

[milo]

Well, considering you are not the author, nor someone making a comment on this work, what useful purpose are you serving responding to this post? If the only reason for displaying work here is to improve it, then how would it be helpful for someone acquainted with the author to make the same comment that I have? I think a confidence boost can be useful for a beginning author, and Mikeodial clearly has some talent. Milo, I hope you're not one of those folks that bitterly scours message boards looking for cheap opportunites to take shots. If I read some of your work and it is brilliant, I will apologize.

I am a moderator.

I am trying to get you to see yourself how a workshop works and how useless your comment is so that you can be a successful contributor. Since the author doesn't know you, you may have terrible taste in poetry so what does your comment, "I like it" really mean?

Writers aren't here for "confidence boosting" they are here for workshopping.

something you might find useful: http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=3505

And from the excerpt:

Remember: Whether you LIKE the poem is the very last thing you should consider if you wish to remain objective.

[Mitya]

This is a thoughtful poem, Mikeodial. It is a thoughtful poem that fits very well the format you have given it. The narrator speaks wisely, as someone who is reflecting on past regrets. The stanzas that mention J.D. Salinger reinforce this voice of experience.

Even so, the narrator is not speaking from a place of despair. There is a note of assurance in the diction, which ripens beautifuly by the final stanza. That final stanza works beautifully as a solution to the narrator's problems. Indeed, he has already accepted the sentiments espoused by it, and put them to good use.

The poem is, as Fatalshores mentioned, a longer one. But that is only a further mark of talent, which you clearly possess. There were small things that could have been rearranged. 'pretty soon' might have worked even better if it had come after the stanza introducing 'first one is free', etc.

In longer poems, however, these things don't hurt so much as in shorter ones. Because it is longer, there is more room for you to build up an impression, without necessarily needing every word work perfectly together with all the others. This poem comes close to reaching that mark. With a little thought, you could make it work very well.