"Way back when"

[ellz483]

Oft I think to way back when
When I stood full bodied behind the plow
And till'd the dirt of virgin land
And pulled ripen'd fruit from laden boughs

It was cold and bitter in winter
So I stayed three months indoors
I sat so long upon my chair
From my shoes, roots grew to the floor

Now, dusted are the days of my youth
Squandered and spoilt in the fields
The green seeds I sown long ago
Are molding and giving no yield

My bones are old, my skin is taut
To work-worn hands grant deserved rest
Until at last I meet Him again
And receive my bounty for this unholy test.

[Whitlove]

Very descriptive. Wonderful.

"Now, dusted are the days of my youth" -beautiful! i imagined a book covered with dust

Over all a great poem. Thanks for sharing!

http://poeticlyfree.wordpress.com/

[Glittercake]

I love this. It gives me a real view of hard work and determination with a feeling something is owed to them. The only thing I see that's improvable is the grammatical sense there are no commas or periods at the end of any stanzas and then there is one at the last. I think you should make a defined ending at the end of each stanza. But thanks for the great read and imagery

[pitseleh]

This is absolutely beautiful. I can't wait to read more of your work!

[Mungo man]

'The green seeds I sown long ago'.. I'm just being nitpicky (for your sake) but does that really work? Maybe leave out 'I' and just put sown. Or 'green seeds that I had sown years before' personally I prefer the brevity of my first suggestion.

The last sentence of S2 seems rhythmically off. Perhaps trying to remove the comma and rewording it wouldn't hurt. You could probably even find a new place to place the comma if you really wanna keep it.

Y'know if you really wanna thinks bout something cool: in the last stanza you can change a word or two to alter the imagery in an interesting way. Though molding may work better for your purposes, but if you replaced it with folding, how do you think that would effect it?


Overall nice poem, had some nice flow and it's really rather eloquent. I can't wait to see an edit if you do one.

[ellz483]

These are awesome suggestions, everybody! I really appreciate them!