Dad

[killthepoet]

You wanted me to be a Dr.
I agreed
but really
I wanted to be a writer.

I sat there staring out the window
Looking for your car.
I had my favorite outfit on
I even drew a picture of us together.
He said he was coming almost 3 hours ago
We were supposed to go to the park.

I heard my mother on the phone in the other room
trying to muffle her voice,
"You told him you were fucking coming!"

He's coming.
I know it.
I wonder what he looks like now.
I can't wait to tell him about school.
I bet he remembered my birthday present this time.

So now I'm writing
Poems, not prescriptions.
And I remember you told me once,
"You can be anything you want to be"
Why didn't you want to be my dad?


------------------------------------------------
ORIGINAL

You wanted me to be a Dr.
I lied and agreed
but really
I wanted to be a writer.

I sat there staring out the window
I had my favorite outfit on
I even had this drawing I did for him.
He said he was coming almost 3 hours ago
We were supposed to go to the park.

I heard my mother on the phone in the other room
trying to muffle her voice,
"You told him you were fucking coming!"

He's coming.
I know it.
I wonder what he looks like now.
I can't wait to tell him about school.
Maybe he remembered my birthday present this time.

You told me I could be anything I wanted to
Out of all the things I could've chosen

I wanted to be a writer.

[Keith]

Hi Killthepoet
I like the theme of this and with a little work on showing the reader more of what is going on rather than telling us, I think it could be much stronger. I have made some comments below that I hope will help. I have also took the liberty to offer some examples, they are just that so please feel free to ignore. One more thing I thought of is that if you are going to use writer in the last line then you need to hide it in the opening, "I wanted to be something else"

You wanted me to be a Dr.
I lied and agreed
but really
I wanted to be a writer. I think this works in that it set up a dysfunctional relationship, it could be improved by taking away some bluntness for example "I lied and agreed" could read "I lied to see you smile", that type of thing.

I sat there staring out the window you need to give us more, what were you looking at ?
I had my favorite outfit on
I even had this drawing I did for him. I had even drawn him a ????
He said he was coming almost 3 hours ago
We were supposed to go to the park.

I heard my mother on the phone in the other room
trying to muffle her voice,
"You told him you were fucking coming!" Again a good set up

He's coming.
I know it. I like this the denial make the reader soften
I wonder what he looks like now.
I can't wait to tell him about school.
Maybe he remembered my birthday present this time. Again the sympathy but this stanza is a bit sparse on images also

You told me I could be anything I wanted to
Out of all the things I could've chosen

I wanted to be a writer. You have already told us this so its not really a strong enough finish, you have set up the sympathy so why not drive home a "I got balls" final line ? eg

You told me,
I could be anything I wanted to be,

so when I'm not writing prescriptions
I will write a best seller.

Why didn't you choose to be my dad ?

[killthepoet]

Hi Killthepoet
I like the theme of this and with a little work on showing the reader more of what is going on rather than telling us, I think it could be much stronger. I have made some comments below that I hope will help. I have also took the liberty to offer some examples, they are just that so please feel free to ignore. One more thing I thought of is that if you are going to use writer in the last line then you need to hide it in the opening, "I wanted to be something else"

You wanted me to be a Dr.
I lied and agreed
but really
I wanted to be a writer. I think this works in that it set up a dysfunctional relationship, it could be improved by taking away some bluntness for example "I lied and agreed" could read "I lied to see you smile", that type of thing.

I sat there staring out the window you need to give us more, what were you looking at ?
I had my favorite outfit on
I even had this drawing I did for him. I had even drawn him a ????
He said he was coming almost 3 hours ago
We were supposed to go to the park.

I heard my mother on the phone in the other room
trying to muffle her voice,
"You told him you were fucking coming!" Again a good set up

He's coming.
I know it. I like this the denial make the reader soften
I wonder what he looks like now.
I can't wait to tell him about school.
Maybe he remembered my birthday present this time. Again the sympathy but this stanza is a bit sparse on images also

You told me I could be anything I wanted to
Out of all the things I could've chosen

I wanted to be a writer. You have already told us this so its not really a strong enough finish, you have set up the sympathy so why not drive home a "I got balls" final line ? eg

You told me,
I could be anything I wanted to be,

so when I'm not writing prescriptions
I will write a best seller.

Why didn't you choose to be my dad ?

Keith, thanks so much man I really appreciate it. You thought of things I didn't even consider to help make it stronger, awesome, I'm diggin this site already. I made some revisions, if you care to check it out.

[Mikeodial]

You wanted me to be a Dr.
I agreed
but really
I wanted to be a writer.

I sat there staring out the window
Looking for your car.
I had my favorite outfit on
I even drew a picture of us together.
He said he was coming almost 3 hours ago
We were supposed to go to the park.

I heard my mother on the phone in the other room
trying to muffle her voice,
"You told him you were fucking coming!"

He's coming.
I know it.
I wonder what he looks like now.
I can't wait to tell him about school.
I bet he remembered my birthday present this time.

So now I'm writing
Poems, not prescriptions.
And I remember you told me once,
"You can be anything you want to be"
Why didn't you want to be my dad?


------------------------------------------------
ORIGINAL

You wanted me to be a Dr.
I lied and agreed
but really
I wanted to be a writer.

I sat there staring out the window
I had my favorite outfit on
I even had this drawing I did for him.
He said he was coming almost 3 hours ago
We were supposed to go to the park.

I heard my mother on the phone in the other room
trying to muffle her voice,
"You told him you were fucking coming!"

He's coming.
I know it.
I wonder what he looks like now.
I can't wait to tell him about school.
Maybe he remembered my birthday present this time.

You told me I could be anything I wanted to
Out of all the things I could've chosen

I wanted to be a writer.

You wanted me to be a Dr.
I agreed
but really
I wanted to be a writer.

I sat there staring out the window (Staring and pressing through a dirty window)
Looking for your car. (A gray Buick unseen in an ocean of honking horns)
I had my favorite outfit on
(pressed pants and new shirt crinkling in readiness)
I even drew a picture of us together. (Hands working on our “play date” in retrospect)He said he was coming almost 3 hours ago
(Meanwhile clock hands advance slowly)We were supposed to go to the park.
(As dusk advances towards the park)

I heard my mother on the phone in the other room
trying to muffle her voice,
"You told him you were fucking coming!"

He's coming.
I know it.
I wonder what he looks like now.
I can't wait to tell him about school.
I bet he remembered my birthday present this time.

So now I'm writing
Poems, not prescriptions.
And I remember you told me once,
"You can be anything you want to be"
Why didn't you want to be my dad?

This poem seems to be about “being there” for your child and the confusion arising from the disappointment of a father when they don’t “show up” in the life.
It is also about the eternal hope of child and those hopes being dashed. But the communication the child wants is still going on, this time through poetry, even if the father is not there.
With these observations, the presence of the scene could be illuminated by more detail on clothing and time elements, bringing the reader to child’s side.

[beaufort]

Dad
You wanted me to be a Dr. I would write out "doctor"
I agreed
but really
I wanted to be a writer.

I sat there staring out the window
Looking for your car.
I had my favorite outfit on
I even drew a picture of us together. "and a picture of us together"
He said he was coming almost 3 hours ago would omit "almost"
We were supposed to go to the park.

I heard my mother on the phone in the other room would omit "in the other room"
trying to muffle her voice,
"You told him you were fucking coming!"

He's coming.
I know it.
I wonder what he looks like now.
I can't wait to tell him about school. would say "about my school"
I bet he remembered my birthday present this time. would substitute "year" for "time"

So now I'm writing
Poems, not prescriptions.
And I remember you told me once,
"You can be anything you want to be"
Why didn't you want to be my dad?

How about:
So now I'm writing poems,
not prescriptions.
I remember you once told me,
"You can be anything you want".
Why didn't you want to be my dad?


Just suggestions - this is emotionally engaging and I am sure many readers will be able to identify with the theme of lingering sadness/anger. Enjoyed reading - thanks!

[lostinadventure]

So now I'm writing
Poems, not prescriptions.
And I remember you told me once,
"You can be anything you want to be"
Why didn't you want to be my dad?

I think the poems not prescriptions line is excellent, and the last line really shocks the audience. If you could somehow make each stanza as good as this last one, you would have a world class poem.