Out of the labyrinth

[Keith]

Laughter trails behind us,
beating faster to the breast,
cliff tops drop beneath us,
sea breeze glides to rest.

A warning not to touch,
or slip on heated streams,
warming just too much,
inside a clouded dream.

I drowned crystal cerulean,
whitewashed days away,
heavy on the oceans bight,
a fallen feathered stray.

Tar stains on my back
cannot blemish me,
wax runs red to legs,
the sun has set me free.

[milo]

Laughter trails behind us,
faster beats the breast,
cliff tops drop beneath us,
sea breeze glide to rest.

"glides"

also "faster beats the breast" is inverted.

[Keith]

Laughter trails behind us,
faster beats the breast,
cliff tops drop beneath us,
sea breeze glide to rest.

"glides"

also "faster beats the breast" is inverted.

Thanks Milo I have made some changes

[ChristopherSea]

Laughter trails behind us,
beating faster to the breast,
cliff tops drop beneath us,
sea breeze glides to rest.

A warning not to touch,
or slip on heated streams,
warming just too much,
inside a clouded dream.

I drowned crystal cerulean,
whitewashed days away,
heavy on the oceans bight,
a fallen feathered stray.

Tar stains on my back
cannot blemish me,
wax runs red to legs,
the sun has set me free.

Hey Keith, if the laughter trails behind you, what is beating faster to the breast? Is it really the laughter? What about the heart?

Laughter trails behind us,
heart beats faster to the breast,

Maybe something to think about./Chris

[Blake]

I drowned crystal cerulean,
whitewashed days away,
heavy on the oceans bight,
a fallen feathered stray.

Tar stains on my back
cannot blemish me,
wax runs red to legs,
the sun has set me free.

I find it odd that the bolded words do not rhyme while the rest of the piece does. Was this intentional, or were you simply trying to avoid using a forced rhyme? I enjoyed reading this though, very nice.

[Keith]

Laughter trails behind us,
beating faster to the breast,
cliff tops drop beneath us,
sea breeze glides to rest.

A warning not to touch,
or slip on heated streams,
warming just too much,
inside a clouded dream.

I drowned crystal cerulean,
whitewashed days away,
heavy on the oceans bight,
a fallen feathered stray.

Tar stains on my back
cannot blemish me,
wax runs red to legs,
the sun has set me free.

Hey Keith, if the laughter trails behind you, what is beating faster to the breast? Is it really the laughter? What about the heart?

Laughter trails behind us,
heart beats faster to the breast,

Maybe something to think about./Chris

Ah well now Chris what you must ask first is how did I escape the Labyrinth ? Thanks Keith

---

I drowned crystal cerulean,
whitewashed days away,
heavy on the oceans bight,
a fallen feathered stray.

Tar stains on my back
cannot blemish me,
wax runs red to legs,
the sun has set me free.

I find it odd that the bolded words do not rhyme while the rest of the piece does. Was this intentional, or were you simply trying to avoid using a forced rhyme? I enjoyed reading this though, very nice.

Hi Blake thanks for commenting I'm not very structured in anything I do, I guess it was intentional as I looked at it and thought it still sounded ok I did try to bounce Red off leg and Cry off cer so I did make some attempt just not on the end rhymes. thanks keith

[Codry]

Laughter trails behind us,
beating faster to the breast,
cliff tops drop beneath us,
sea breeze glides to rest.

A warning not to touch,
or slip on heated streams,
warming just too much,
inside a clouded dream.

I drowned crystal cerulean,
whitewashed days away,
heavy on the oceans bight,
a fallen feathered stray.

Tar stains on my back
cannot blemish me,
wax runs red to legs,
the sun has set me free.

It seems like everybody around here forgets to use capital letters at the start of each verse ... I have a problem with the fact you don't use binding words like the tar or the laughter... and where is the labyrinth ?


Laughter trails behind us, (who is laughing and why?)
beating faster to the breast,(who is beating and why? why breast and not chest?)
cliff tops drop beneath us,
sea breeze glides to rest.

A warning not to touch,
or slip on heated streams,("heated steams" stands for?)
warming just too much,
inside a clouded dream.( I like the expression "clouded dream" but I don't get what dream are we talking about)

I drowned crystal cerulean,("crystal cerulean" of what?)
whitewashed days away,
heavy on the oceans bight,
a fallen feathered stray.

Tar stains on my back(where is the tar coming from?)
cannot blemish me,
wax runs red to legs,
the sun has set me free.

This should be named "escape from hell"(tar,wax,red, warming too much, steam, cliffs drop) lol not labyrinth because labyrinth stands for conflictual thoughts, lack of orientation and it has nothing to do with sensations coming from the skin but everything with emotions.

[rowens]

Why are you so concerned with capital letters, Codry?

[Keith]

Laughter trails behind us,
beating faster to the breast,
cliff tops drop beneath us,
sea breeze glides to rest.

A warning not to touch,
or slip on heated streams,
warming just too much,
inside a clouded dream.

I drowned crystal cerulean,
whitewashed days away,
heavy on the oceans bight,
a fallen feathered stray.

Tar stains on my back
cannot blemish me,
wax runs red to legs,
the sun has set me free.

It seems like everybody around here forgets to use capital letters at the start of each verse ... I have a problem with the fact you don't use binding words like the tar or the laughter... and where is the labyrinth ?


Laughter trails behind us, (who is laughing and why?)
beating faster to the breast,(who is beating and why? why breast and not chest?)
cliff tops drop beneath us,
sea breeze glides to rest.

A warning not to touch,
or slip on heated streams,("heated steams" stands for?)
warming just too much,
inside a clouded dream.( I like the expression "clouded dream" but I don't get what dream are we talking about)

I drowned crystal cerulean,("crystal cerulean" of what?)
whitewashed days away,
heavy on the oceans bight,
a fallen feathered stray.

Tar stains on my back(where is the tar coming from?)
cannot blemish me,
wax runs red to legs,
the sun has set me free.

This should be named "escape from hell"(tar,wax,red, warming too much, steam, cliffs drop) lol not labyrinth because labyrinth stands for conflictual thoughts, lack of orientation and it has nothing to do with sensations coming from the skin but everything with emotions.

Hi Codry thanks for your comments I will have a look. By way of an obviously needed explanation, Icarus escaped from a Labyrinth on Crete using wings his father had made from Tar Wax and Feathers. Hope this helps

[Blake]

Hi Blake thanks for commenting I'm not very structured in anything I do, I guess it was intentional as I looked at it and thought it still sounded ok I did try to bounce Red off leg and Cry off cer so I did make some attempt just not on the end rhymes. thanks keith

I can see why you left those words as cerulean is a pretty nice word and bight is also a good one. Both words are a bit hard to replace with a direct synonym without losing effect.

I'm a sucker for big, descriptive words and rhymes. That also is likely my downfall

[ChristopherSea]

Keith, would you consider:

Laughter trails behind me,
wings beating faster to the breast,
cliff tops drop beneath me,
sea breeze glides to rest.

Although you may be speaking about a group, the switch to 'me' and the addition of that single set on wings would go further in bringing across the Icarus reference and/or metaphor. At first, I thought this was a group of tar and feathered hooligans escaping to the beach!

A warning not to touch,
or slip on heated streams,
warming just too much,
inside a clouded dream.

I drowned crystal cerulean,
whitewashed days away,
heavy on the oceans bight,
a fallen feathered stray.

Tar stains on my back
cannot blemish me,
wax runs red to legs,
the sun has set me free.
[/quote]

[Keith]

Hi Blake thanks for commenting I'm not very structured in anything I do, I guess it was intentional as I looked at it and thought it still sounded ok I did try to bounce Red off leg and Cry off cer so I did make some attempt just not on the end rhymes. thanks keith

I can see why you left those words as cerulean is a pretty nice word and bight is also a good one. Both words are a bit hard to replace with a direct synonym without losing effect.

I'm a sucker for big, descriptive words and rhymes. That also is likely my downfall

I have noticed you like big and the end rhymes, You are much better at them than me. Best Keith

---

Keith, would you consider:

Laughter trails behind me,
wings beating faster to the breast,
cliff tops drop beneath me,
sea breeze glides to rest.

Although you may be speaking about a group, the switch to 'me' and the addition of that single set on wings would go further in bringing across the Icarus reference and/or metaphor. At first, I thought this was a group of tar and feathered hooligans escaping to the beach!

A warning not to touch,
or slip on heated streams,
warming just too much,
inside a clouded dream.

I drowned crystal cerulean,
whitewashed days away,
heavy on the oceans bight,
a fallen feathered stray.

Tar stains on my back
cannot blemish me,
wax runs red to legs,
the sun has set me free.

[/quote]

I will have a think on this Chris, he was with his dad so he had someone to laugh with, I agree about working in some reference to wings just to lay a few more bread crumbs, as ever its all clear in my head. Thanks for taking the time and the advice. Keith

[YouAreMe]

Laughter trails behind us,
beating faster to the breast,
cliff tops drop beneath us,
sea breeze glides to rest.

A warning not to touch,
or slip on heated streams,
warming just too much,
inside a clouded dream.

I drowned crystal cerulean,
whitewashed days away,
heavy on the oceans bight,
a fallen feathered stray.

Tar stains on my back
cannot blemish me,
wax runs red to legs,
the sun has set me free.

That was pretty kewl dude

[Keith]

Laughter trails behind us,
beating faster to the breast,
cliff tops drop beneath us,
sea breeze glides to rest.

A warning not to touch,
or slip on heated streams,
warming just too much,
inside a clouded dream.

I drowned crystal cerulean,
whitewashed days away,
heavy on the oceans bight,
a fallen feathered stray.

Tar stains on my back
cannot blemish me,
wax runs red to legs,
the sun has set me free.

That was pretty kewl dude

Sorry YouAreMe you don't get away with it that easy, I refuse to be a notch on your bed post that gets you to a posting position tell me one thing you like and one thing you don't like about my poem and I'll be happy. Best Keith