"The Chase" Edit #1

[Clandestine]

Edit #1
How many, I often wonder,
have shared your bed, my dear?
Would I care?
Do I care; should I?
What secrets are hidden
between your sheets?
Am I as good as he?
As good as she?
Would you be good enough for me?
Does it matter?
I've pursued you all this time.
And now
we finally meet.
Your heart and mind
are open.
I ease into
your consciousness.
Sweet lust, realized.
Finally.
Christ, you're so good.
Together we're great.
Of your heart, maybe not,
but I,
for at least tonight,
am a king!

Original
How many, I often wonder,
have shared your bed, my dear?
Would I care?
Do I care; should I?
What secrets are hidden
between your sheets?
Am I as good as he?
As good as she?
Would you be good enough for me?
It's of no consequence.
I've pursued you all this time.
I'm coming
to find you.
I've spread
my wings.
What a beautiful journey!
Here I lie,
stark naked,
the room spinning.
Christ, you're so good.
Together we're great.
Of your heart, maybe not,
but I, for at least tonight,
am a king!


(I know this isn't great. As far as a title, I have no idea. I don't particularly care about the title of this right now anyway. I'm just looking for genuine, blunt and harsh criticism. I haven't done this for quite awhile. Thanks.)

[rowens]

As a sort of comical poem, it works until after: It's of no consequence. The rhymes feel self-mocking and mocking in general. That's all right.

I've pursued you all this time.
I'm coming
to find you.
I've spread
my wings.
What a beautiful journey!

All of those lines are boring. They're not even comical.



Of your heart, maybe not,
but I, for at least tonight,
am a king!

Is a decent ending. But it, along with the lines right before it, could be reworked.

[Clandestine]

Thank you for the feedback. I agree it drops off where you both pointed out. The lines about coming to find you and spreading of wings are just really bad examples of cryptic double entendre. My wife caught it and said I was writing smut, haha. It's all a bit sarcastic for sure, in a way.
Also, I don't mind that you put your own twist on it, netjoy. For me, it would just feel too forced and too serious if it was worked that way. Thank you to you both.