Primal (new poem, Edit 3)

[jdvanwijk]

Edit 3 (SkaaDee, trueenigma, milo)

Our living room shook violently
every ten minutes or so;
my brother and I spent hours
howling as the trains crashed by.

A funeral today, another
bridge support crumbling down.
And like a ghost, I appear

in front of my old home.
They buried the tracks,
topped it with a little park.

I close my eyes, hear
the fast train approaching,

inhale all the air
in the park, the streets, the city,

the light from the windows,
the sun -

and let it all out.


Edit 2 (Heslopian, milo, trueenigma, beaufort)
Primal

Our guest room shook violently
every ten minutes or so.
It was small, but treasured: my brother
and I spent hours howling
at the trains crashing by.

A funeral today, another
support of the bridge down.
And like a ghost, I appear

in front of my old home.
They buried the tracks,
placed a little park on top.

I close my eyes,
fast train approaching,

and inhale all the air
in the park, the streets, the city,

the light from the houses,
the cars, the sun itself -

and let it all out.

Edit 1 (Heslopian, SkaaDee)

Our guest room would shake violently
every ten minutes or so. It was small,
useless, but most treasured: my brother
and I'd spend hours there, howling
and roaring at the trains crashing by.

A funeral today, another
support of the bridge gone down.
And like a ghost, I appeared
in front of my old home;

it was quiet.
They've buried the tracks,
placed a little park on top.

I closed my eyes,
fast train approaching -

inhaled all the air in the park,
the streets, the city;
inhaled all light from the houses,
the cars, the sun itself -

and let it all out.


Original

The room would shake violently
every ten minutes or so.
It was small, useless,
most treasured: my brother
and I would spend hours there,
roaring and howling at the trains
crashing by.

A funeral today, another
support of the bridge has gone down.
And like a ghost, I appeared
in front of our old house.
It was quiet:
they've buried the tracks,
placed a little park on top.

I closed my eyes,
fast train approaching.

Inhaled all the air in the park,
the streets, the city;
inhaled all the light from the houses,
the cars, the sun itself -

and let it all out.

This poem is a bastard child of my poems "Whoosh" and "Primal", mixed with some memories of living very near the railroad tracks when I was young, and jderimend's observation that all poetic composition is a rally cry against the inevitability of death. Oh, and a splash of "Cabaret".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zu_aHXfr7Sg

[heslopian]

The room would shake violently
every ten minutes or so.
It was small, useless,
most treasured: my brother Is the room part of an abandoned railway station?
and I would spend hours there,
roaring and howling at the trains
crashing by.

A funeral today, another
support of the bridge has gone down. Is the funeral a metaphor relating to the bridge's gradual disassembly, or has the narrator returned to town for a literal funeral?
And like a ghost, I appeared
in front of our old house. Excellent couple of lines, coming as they do after a verse of joyous childhood memory.
It was quiet: Is this line needed?
they've buried the tracks,
placed a little park on top.

I closed my eyes,
fast train approaching. Is this a literal or remembered train?

Inhaled all the air in the park,
the streets, the city;
inhaled all the light from the houses,
the cars, the sun itself -

and let it all out. Wonderfully subtle last verse and line.

I found it really hard to critique this one because it's pretty much perfect as is. Compact, well-conveyed and rich in atmosphere. That's why most of my actual critique is just requests for clarification, and even my one suggestion for removal isn't one I feel very strongly about. Thank you for the read

[jdvanwijk]

Hello Heslopian,

Thanks for your comments, glad you enjoyed the poem. Those are useful questions, I do need to consider the clarity in some parts of the poem.

The first verse I actually wanted to situate in the same house that the narrator comes back to later in the poem. Maybe I can sneak it in somewhere in the first two lines...

The funeral was meant literally, the bridge was intended as metaphor. Do you think this relationship needs more clarification in the poem? I was trying to suggest that an important person for the narrator had died (possibly a family member); the stability of our own life (the bridge) is dependent on the lifes of the ones we love (the supports). And like a bridge collapsing, death always seems to come in waves... When everybody's gone, people often collapse quickly themselves.

I'll consider leaving that one line out; I do think it's important though to stress the change from the loud past to the quiet present, but maybe the image in the next two lines is enough.

The train is a remembered train, the tracks that ran in front of the house (and the world the narrator remembers) are gone now.

Thanks again for your comment and all best,
Jan

The room would shake violently
every ten minutes or so.
It was small, useless,
most treasured: my brother Is the room part of an abandoned railway station?
and I would spend hours there,
roaring and howling at the trains
crashing by.

A funeral today, another
support of the bridge has gone down. Is the funeral a metaphor relating to the bridge's gradual disassembly, or has the narrator returned to town for a literal funeral?
And like a ghost, I appeared
in front of our old house. Excellent couple of lines, coming as they do after a verse of joyous childhood memory.
It was quiet: Is this line needed?
they've buried the tracks,
placed a little park on top.

I closed my eyes,
fast train approaching. Is this a literal or remembered train?

Inhaled all the air in the park,
the streets, the city;
inhaled all the light from the houses,
the cars, the sun itself -

and let it all out. Wonderfully subtle last verse and line.

I found it really hard to critique this one because it's pretty much perfect as is. Compact, well-conveyed and rich in atmosphere. That's why most of my actual critique is just requests for clarification, and even my one suggestion for removal isn't one I feel very strongly about. Thank you for the read

[SkaaDee]

The room would shake violently
every ten minutes or so.
It was small, useless,
most treasured: my brother
and I would spend hours there,
roaring and howling at the trains
crashing by.

A funeral today, another
support of the bridge has gone down.
And like a ghost, I appeared
in front of our old house.
It was quiet:
they've buried the tracks,
placed a little park on top.

I closed my eyes,
fast train approaching.

Inhaled all the air in the park,
the streets, the city;
inhaled all the light from the houses,
the cars, the sun itself -

and let it all out.

There's a beautiful poem in here, but i think it needs to be trimmed.

"It was small, useless,
most treasured: "

...i don't understand and it doesn't seem to add anything to the poem, i suggest removing it.

i would also remove "crashing by."

You van change

"A funeral today, another
support of the bridge has gone down.
And like a ghost, I appeared
in front of our old house."

with something that brings you to the house.

I think the theme of the poem is breathing in your childhood
and then releasing in exhale. I wouldn't bring death or tragedy into it.

Before the last line you could add something like "counted to a thousand"

This is just my take, I may have taken the poem too far off track.

Scott

[jdvanwijk]

Hello Scott,

Thanks for your comments. I agree that L3-4 sound a bit off, I'll have to work on that. I do think the first verse needs something along these lines to enhance the atmosphere and joyfulness of the memory though.

I'm hesitant to throw out death altogether. For me, that's kind of the point of the poem, the helplessness we feel in the face of death and change. But maybe it could be more subtle... I'll have to think about that.

All best!
Jan

The room would shake violently
every ten minutes or so.
It was small, useless,
most treasured: my brother
and I would spend hours there,
roaring and howling at the trains
crashing by.

A funeral today, another
support of the bridge has gone down.
And like a ghost, I appeared
in front of our old house.
It was quiet:
they've buried the tracks,
placed a little park on top.

I closed my eyes,
fast train approaching.

Inhaled all the air in the park,
the streets, the city;
inhaled all the light from the houses,
the cars, the sun itself -

and let it all out.

There's a beautiful poem in here, but i think it needs to be trimmed.

"It was small, useless,
most treasured: "

...i don't understand and it doesn't seem to add anything to the poem, i suggest removing it.

i would also remove "crashing by."

You van change

"A funeral today, another
support of the bridge has gone down.
And like a ghost, I appeared
in front of our old house."

with something that brings you to the house.

I think the theme of the poem is breathing in your childhood
and then releasing in exhale. I wouldn't bring death or tragedy into it.

Before the last line you could add something like "counted to a thousand"

This is just my take, I may have taken the poem too far off track.

Scott

[milo]

Edit 1 (Heslopian, SkaaDee)

Our guest room would shake violently
every ten minutes or so. It was small,
useless, but most treasured: my brother
and I'd spend hours there, howling
and roaring at the trains crashing by.

I think you would be better served using active voice "Our guest room shook" "I'd spend" = spent

You can completely cut "useless" and "most" and "there" and "roaring"
Your line breaks through this section need to be completely reconsidered.

A funeral today, another
support of the bridge gone down.
And like a ghost, I appeared
in front of my old home;

"like a ghost, i appeared in front of my old home" is good.
you are doing something strange with the line breaks here, i am not sure if it is intentional but i like it quite a bit. "gone down" feels too prosaic.

it was quiet.
They've buried the tracks,
placed a little park on top.

once again, passive voice. Switch to "they buried"
I wouldn't normally say to add words but an "and" in front of placed gives a nice metric push.

I closed my eyes,
fast train approaching -

Something strange about the syntax here, i don't think you are pulling it off, look at it without line breaks -

"I closed my eyes, fast train approaching -inhaled all the air in the park, the streets, the city; inhaled all light from the houses, the cars, the sun itself -"

grammatically this is a mess and the punctuation isn't helping.

inhaled all the air in the park,

you might want to break on air

the streets, the city;
inhaled all light from the houses,
the cars, the sun itself -

and let it all out.

I would consider trimming the second and third "all"'s

I think you have a good start here. It speaks well to an instance of catharsis of youth and nostalgia.

Thanks for posting. Good luck!

[Truerenigma]

Edit 1 (Heslopian, SkaaDee)

Our guest room would shake violently
every ten minutes or so. It was small,
useless, but most treasured: my brother
and I'd spend hours there, howling
This contraction here bothers me. What's wrong with "my brother and I spent hours there"?
and roaring at the trains crashing by.
I don't think you need both howling and roaring. Maybe pick one and cut the other.

A funeral today, another
support of the bridge gone down.
I like this metaphor. The wording is awkward though, and I almost missed it; syntactically it's unclear whether it's the support or the bridge that's gone down, and could you find a more concrete way to solidify it, in detail? I mean literally it need some concrete, or steel, wrought iron, wooden columns, something.
And like a ghost, I appeared
in front of my old home;

it was quiet.
They've buried the tracks,
placed a little park on top.

I closed my eyes,
fast train approaching -This is confusing, because I thought they've buried the tracks? BTW who is "they", and why not just "they", instead of "they've"?

inhaled all the air in the park,
the streets, the city;
inhaled all light from the houses, "inhaled all light" ... is strange phrasing. Why not use a simple image? the lights in the windows, the light from the 60 watt bulbs in the ceiling fans...
the cars, the sun itself -

and let it all out.


Original

The room would shake violently
every ten minutes or so.
It was small, useless,
most treasured: my brother
and I would spend hours there,
roaring and howling at the trains
crashing by.

A funeral today, another
support of the bridge has gone down.
And like a ghost, I appeared
in front of our old house.
It was quiet:
they've buried the tracks,
placed a little park on top.

I closed my eyes,
fast train approaching.

Inhaled all the air in the park,
the streets, the city;
inhaled all the light from the houses,
the cars, the sun itself -

and let it all out.

This poem is a bastard child of my poems "Whoosh" and "Primal", mixed with some memories of living very near the railroad tracks when I was young, and jderimend's observation that all poetic composition is a rally cry against the inevitability of death. Oh, and a splash of "Cabaret".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zu_aHXfr7Sg

Thank you for the large print. It's luxury reading--no squinting necessary.

I'm interested in seeing where you take this one. Just thought I would stop in and offer my two cents.

Oh, and I don't watch YouTube videos before crit in Serious. It's the poem and only the poem, unless there's an epiographff, or it's ekphrastic.

Thanks for sharing.

p.s. it looks like you already got some crits, sorry if any of this was already covered. I don't read crits before crit either. (although i sometimes crit the crits after my crit.)

[jdvanwijk]

Hello Milo,

Thanks for the excellent feedback, a lot for me to work on.

All best,
Jan

Edit 1 (Heslopian, SkaaDee)

Our guest room would shake violently
every ten minutes or so. It was small,
useless, but most treasured: my brother
and I'd spend hours there, howling
and roaring at the trains crashing by.

I think you would be better served using active voice "Our guest room shook" "I'd spend" = spent

You can completely cut "useless" and "most" and "there" and "roaring"
Your line breaks through this section need to be completely reconsidered.

A funeral today, another
support of the bridge gone down.
And like a ghost, I appeared
in front of my old home;

"like a ghost, i appeared in front of my old home" is good.
you are doing something strange with the line breaks here, i am not sure if it is intentional but i like it quite a bit. "gone down" feels too prosaic.

it was quiet.
They've buried the tracks,
placed a little park on top.

once again, passive voice. Switch to "they buried"
I wouldn't normally say to add words but an "and" in front of placed gives a nice metric push.

I closed my eyes,
fast train approaching -

Something strange about the syntax here, i don't think you are pulling it off, look at it without line breaks -

"I closed my eyes, fast train approaching -inhaled all the air in the park, the streets, the city; inhaled all light from the houses, the cars, the sun itself -"

grammatically this is a mess and the punctuation isn't helping.

inhaled all the air in the park,

you might want to break on air

the streets, the city;
inhaled all light from the houses,
the cars, the sun itself -

and let it all out.

I would consider trimming the second and third "all"'s

I think you have a good start here. It speaks well to an instance of catharsis of youth and nostalgia.

Thanks for posting. Good luck!

[jdvanwijk]

Hey Trueenigma,

Thanks for your criticism, I'm planning to do an edit somewhere in the next few days. The (admittedly odd) contraction was actually a result of wanting 'useless, but most treasured: my brother' on one line. This propably doesn't work as I intended. It was meant as an ironic wink, we can't stand our brothers/sisters sometimes, but they're very important nonetheless.

All best,
Jan

[beaufort]

Edit 1 (Heslopian, SkaaDee)

Our guest room would shake violently
every ten minutes or so. It was small, this makes it sound a bit like the guest room was small and useless, though on re-reading I get it. (I may just be a little slow)
useless, but most treasured: my brother
and I'd spend hours there, howling
and roaring at the trains crashing by.

A funeral today, another
support of the bridge gone down. (great use of this imagery)
And like a ghost, I appeared
in front of my old home;

it was quiet.
They've buried the tracks,
placed a little park on top.

I closed my eyes, (might say "I close my eyes")
fast train approaching -

inhaled all the air in the park, (if use close above, use inhaling here) I would leave out "all"
the streets, the city;
inhaled all light from the houses, (inhaling, as above)
the cars, the sun itself -

and let it all out.
This says a lot without being wordy, and the imagery of boys and trains and collapsing ties connects well with this reader. Thanks for sharing.

Original

The room would shake violently
every ten minutes or so.
It was small, useless,
most treasured: my brother
and I would spend hours there,
roaring and howling at the trains
crashing by.

A funeral today, another
support of the bridge has gone down.
And like a ghost, I appeared
in front of our old house.
It was quiet:
they've buried the tracks,
placed a little park on top.

I closed my eyes,
fast train approaching.

Inhaled all the air in the park,
the streets, the city;
inhaled all the light from the houses,
the cars, the sun itself -

and let it all out.

This poem is a bastard child of my poems "Whoosh" and "Primal", mixed with some memories of living very near the railroad tracks when I was young, and jderimend's observation that all poetic composition is a rally cry against the inevitability of death. Oh, and a splash of "Cabaret".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zu_aHXfr7Sg

[jdvanwijk]

Edit 2 posted.

[milo]

Edit 2 (Heslopian, milo, trueenigma, beaufort)
[Size=medium]
Primal

Our guest room shook violently
every ten minutes or so.
It was small, but treasured: my brother
and I spent hours howling
at the trains crashing by.

A funeral today, another
support of the bridge down.
And like a ghost, I appeared

I thought I mentioned it as a comment on the first one, but looking through, i see i didn't. you have some tense confusion going on here.

[heslopian]

The funeral was meant literally, the bridge was intended as metaphor. Do you think this relationship needs more clarification in the poem? I was trying to suggest that an important person for the narrator had died (possibly a family member); the stability of our own life (the bridge) is dependent on the lifes of the ones we love (the supports). And like a bridge collapsing, death always seems to come in waves... When everybody's gone, people often collapse quickly themselves.

Ah, see, because of the earlier connection with trains and a house from which the narrator could see them, I assumed that the bridge was literal, and that the trains passed under it. Maybe you could describe the bridge as "proverbial"? That adjective might be a bit long, though...

[jdvanwijk]

@Milo: thanks for catching that one. Changed it in the second edit, along with some other minor changes.
Is the syntax in the whole poem correct now? As a non-native speaker I always find that difficult to judge...

@Heslopian: I understand what you mean now. I'll think about that for the next edit.

@Everyone else: are there other things that you feel that need to be changed, streamlined or expanded in the next edit? And how does that line break in L3 feel, does it work or is it just confusing?

(I'm going for a certain fluidity of meaning with that odd line break, but it may not work at all, I probably lack the skills to pull it off convincingly.

"It was small, but treasured" first refers to the guest room, but because of the line break, it also refers to my (baby) brother. It was my intention that "It was small but treasured: my brother/and I spent hours howling" could be read as "my brother and I" (we howled at the trains together) or "my brother, and I..." (connected with the funeral, it could be interpreted as "my brother is gone, and I cried for hours" -> in this case, the present has "invaded" the memory.)

All best,
Jan

[milo]

Edit 2 (Heslopian, milo, trueenigma, beaufort)
[Size=medium]
Primal

Our guest room shook violently
every ten minutes or so.
It was small, but treasured: my brother
and I spent hours howling
at the trains crashing by.

A funeral today, another
support of the bridge down.
And like a ghost, I appear

I feel like you need a verb in front of "down".

Crashes, crumbles, falls, preferably one with two syllables though.

---

Edit 2 (Heslopian, milo, trueenigma, beaufort)
[Size=medium]
Primal



and inhale all the air
in the park, the streets, the city,

the light from the houses,
the cars, the sun itself -

This right here, btw, is an example of the controlled ambiguity we were talking about.

The statement "inhale all the air
in the park, the streets, the city"

initially, we read that N inhales all of the air in the park and the air in the streets and the air in the city, but there is a suggestion that N actually absorbs or inhales the city itself, it and works both ways which adds strength to the statement.

now that I am reading through this for the fifteenth or sixteenth time I am wondering if you considered "breath" for "air". I don't know if it would make it better or worse, but I think it would be nice to read it both ways to compare.

[jdvanwijk]

Hello Milo,

Thanks again for your great help. I like "crumbles" (crashing/crumbles). The line feels a bit long now though, is that a problem?

In edit 3 I tried to do the controlled ambiguity for the sun as well, thanks for pointing it out.

Breath sounds a bit odd to me (Inhale all the breath?), but I'll give it some more thought!

I removed the whole "It was small..." bit by the way, and there's actually a pretty cool structure in the lines now (4-3-3-2-2-2-1), like a train speeding up.

[milo]

Edit 3 (SkaaDee, trueenigma, milo)

Our living room shook violently
every ten minutes or so.
My brother and I spent hours
howling at the trains crashing by.

A funeral today, another
support of the bridge crumbles down.
And like a ghost, I appear

in front of my old home.
They buried the tracks,
topped it with a little park.

I close my eyes,
fast train approaching,

and inhale all the air
in the park, the streets, the city,

inhale the light from the windows,
the sun -

and let it all out.

I think this is a very strong edit. You have really cut to the root of the poem. Any other changes will most likely be preference changes. I have two more spots that I think you should consider.

1. - I think you might want to consider "as the trains crashed by"

2. - I think after close my eyes, you should have something like "and sense" or "and feel" or "and hear" even possibly "and see" to lend strength to the fact that it is a memory.

Overall, I think it is coming along nicely.

[jdvanwijk]

Thanks, it feels better for me as well. As for crashed or crashing, I like the word crashed better (howling/crashing is a bit weak) but the word "at" is important for me: this signifies that it was a game and that the narrator didn't howl "because" the trains crashed by. Or would "howling as the trains crashed by" suggest the same? Maybe I can change "howling" into "we howled at the trains crashing by"... but then the rest of the verse needs an overhaul too, of course. I'll experiment with it.

Great idea about the fast train. I'm going with "and hear", I like the auditory sensation of it. I like the idea of "and see" the most actually, but then I remembered there's a dreadful song called "close your eyes to see" I heard somewhere, so that sort of puts a damper on things.

[jdvanwijk]

Hello Milo,

I've tried several different things with the first verse, and now agree with you that "as the trains crashed by" just sounds a lot better. And there's a slight ambiguity to it that I now find kind of interesting. (Was it a game? Or were they scared of the trains? Or maybe the brothers were fighting (howling at each other) for hours?)

An important change in the second verse; what do you think?

I have the feeling that the last five lines can be more effective, I'm going to experiment with it some more.

All best!
Jan

[Truerenigma]

Good job with the edits so far. I still would really like to see something a little more solid than support in S2. I know that you feel the abstract "support" is holding your metaphor up, but bridge trusses all carry their own symbolism, and hold mystical properties: column, post, cable, wire, strut, arch, beam, pillar, tower...Which best describes your support?