A Sonnet for a Traveler

[alatos]

Tonight, you pass through lands unknown to me.
The air of northern steppes now fills your lungs.
A stranger amidst foreign lands and tongues:
a dreamer on the shores of the Black Sea.
Adrift to change your stars, you don’t agree
with hopeless fate. Five-thousand miles crossed
to tread in that lost sweep of snow and frost…
to find your wandering has set you free.
You used to say this world was far too dull,
that there was nothing new beneath the sun;
but now this globe you walk… you hail divine.
My God! The way you revel in it all!
You see the Heavens and the earth as one:
the whole expanse of space you sing a shrine.

[Regallis]

This reminds me of Lewis and Clark, traveling the great divide. Almost dying and being saved by strangers (saved by a woman of the tribe who was helped by some of the good white people), which were the Nimiipuu, though they are called the Nez Perce Indians (which means pierced nose, which they never did, was a tribe north of them), first time trying camas bulbs which do amazingly taste like raisins, and getting sick. Of course they were going to the Pacific Ocean, not the Black Sea. The Black Sea can also been seen as a area the is covered with cooled lava. How the white man tried to change them with religion, which theirs was just fine. Finally they are singing to earth which is their mother, and a shrine.

Guess this is why so many things can be taken from a poem, words have so many meanings depending on how you look at them.

[billy]

great attempt. an overall feel was that in places it feels a little forced due to phrases like "that there was" and "You used to say this" (i'm not sure if forced is the right term) but it does feel better word use could be used in order to make the poem fuller and more vibrant or alive.

that said, it's a good effort
thanks for the read.

Tonight, you pass through lands unknown to me. no need for the comma, it makes the line feel forced.
The air of northern steppes now fills your lungs.
A stranger amidst foreign lands and tongues: i stumbled a little with the meter here, amidst seems to be the problem. i have no suggestions as to how make it work better for you)
a dreamer on the shores of the Black Sea. the change in meter works well, the two [the's] feel clunky, can one of them be changed?
Adrift to change your stars, you don’t agree
with hopeless fate. Five-thousand miles crossed is there half a foot missing in the meter?
to tread in that lost sweep of snow and frost… i like this line, it places me in the poem
to find your wandering has set you free.
You used to say this world was far too dull,
that there was nothing new beneath the sun;
but now this globe you walk… you hail divine.
My God! The way you revel in it all!
You see the Heavens and the earth as one:
the whole expanse of space you sing a shrine. nice closing couplet that shows the travellers love of nature and

[beaufort]

Tonight, you pass through lands unknown to me. maybe a comma here rather than a period?
The air of northern steppes now fills your lungs.
A stranger amidst foreign lands and tongues: "amidst" halts the meter - how about "midst far foreign….." or some such
a dreamer on the shores of the Black Sea. would change this to a comma, then no capitalization in next line
Adrift to change your stars, you don’t agree
with hopeless fate. Five-thousand miles crossed I like this enjambment. Maybe "Five-thousand miles are crossed"?
to tread in that lost sweep of snow and frost…
to find your wandering has set you free.
You used to say this world was far too dull,
that there was nothing new beneath the sun; "nothing new beneath the sun seems a bit unremarkable
but now this globe you walk… you hail divine.
My God! The way you revel in it all!
You see the Heavens and the earth as one:
the whole expanse of space you sing a shrine.

My thoughts for what they are worth. I think this reads nicely, I see it as a lovely tribute to the traveller. The line "..a dreamer on the shores of the Black Sea, adrift to change your stars, you don't agree with hopeless fate." is to me the turning point. Thanks.

[alatos]

Tonight, you pass through lands unknown to me. maybe a comma here rather than a period? - Wouldn't that be a comma splice? Joining two independent clauses with a comma?
The air of northern steppes now fills your lungs.
A stranger amidst foreign lands and tongues: "amidst" halts the meter - how about "midst far foreign….." or some such - Good call, I was trying to figure that one out.
a dreamer on the shores of the Black Sea. would change this to a comma, then no capitalization in next line
Adrift to change your stars, you don’t agree
with hopeless fate. Five-thousand miles crossed I like this enjambment. Maybe "Five-thousand miles are crossed"?
to tread in that lost sweep of snow and frost…
to find your wandering has set you free.
You used to say this world was far too dull,
that there was nothing new beneath the sun; "nothing new beneath the sun seems a bit unremarkable
but now this globe you walk… you hail divine.
My God! The way you revel in it all!
You see the Heavens and the earth as one:
the whole expanse of space you sing a shrine.

My thoughts for what they are worth. I think this reads nicely, I see it as a lovely tribute to the traveller. The line "..a dreamer on the shores of the Black Sea, adrift to change your stars, you don't agree with hopeless fate." is to me the turning point. Thanks.

I think perhaps I am just saying the "with hopeless fate. Five-thousand miles crossed" line differently, because it sounds ok to me. I pronounce it "with HOPE less FATE five THOU sand MI les CROSSED"

Thank you all for your awesome advice. I'll workshop this and get back with a revision.

[beaufort]

Ok, you are putting 2 syllables in miles. Reads fine if you do that.

[tigrflye]

Tonight, you pass through lands unknown to me.
The air of northern steppes now fills your lungs.
A stranger amidst foreign lands and tongues: "amidst" is the problem. Tasting? Roving?
a dreamer on the shores of the Black Sea. I say THE black SEA..a little obnoxiously.
Adrift to change your stars, you don’t agree
with hopeless fate. Five-thousand miles crossedI can read "miles" with two syllables cuz I'm from the deep south (my-ulls ) but it is really one syllable.
to tread in that lost sweep of snow and frost…
to find your wandering has set you free.
You used to say this world was far too dull,
that there was nothing new beneath the sun;
but now this globe you walk… you hail divine.
My God! The way you revel in it all!
You see the Heavens and the earth as one:
the whole expanse of space you sing a shrine.

ive come back to this poem quite a few times. So I like it. Worth a few tweaks. - jenn

[billy]

i can read it with two as well, in the north of the uk it often sounds like my als

[ellajam]

Although I say myuls, when I'm writing with syllable count in mind, or reading poems, even my own, I only use one.

[Truerenigma]

Either way is correct\ˈmī(-ə)l\. When there is more than one way to pronounce a word I usually write metrical poetry exactly the way I pronounce it. (Although if it fit my needs to use it as a one syllable word I would probably take advantage.)

**One must always also consider the accent of the Narrator, as opposed to author, though.

[alatos]

I'm from the Northeast and I always pronounce mile with two syllables, which is why I was confused. I did't realize most people use one syllable instead.

[billy]

oops when i said north i meant north west.
when i say the word it probably has two syls but when i read it it has just one that you know what way it works in your speak is really all that matters. sorry for making it a debate about miles and not the poem.

[ejames]

The poem did not wholly flow together, but it is definitely a strong foundation. Try replacing phrases like, "you used to say this" and "that there was". Otherwise a strong poem.

[ThePinsir]

I love seeing sonnets on here!

Tonight, you pass through lands unknown to me.
The air of northern steppes now fills your lungs. great sensory detail
A stranger amidst foreign lands and tongues: not too sure about the colon. a comma would probably work better
a dreamer on the shores of the Black Sea.
Adrift to change your stars, you don’t agree Great thought. Reminds me of "A night's tale!
with hopeless fate. Five-thousand miles crossed
to tread in that lost sweep of snow and frost…
to find your wandering has set you free.
You used to say this world was far too dull,
that there was nothing new beneath the sun;
but now this globe you walk… you hail divine. [/b]I'm not entirely sure I know what "you hail divine" means...
My God! The way you revel in it all!
You see the Heavens and the earth as one:
the whole expanse of space you sing a shrine.

Great meter throughout...for the most part. I really like the theme of taking control of one's destiny. Thanks for the read!

[bluedragonfly]

Hi alatos,

I like the way you described everything as I instantly visualized the whole story in my mind. Although I had a little problem with the fluency since I feel that there are some abrupt transitions in the text, especially in the end.

I really enjoyed reading the first part (until Black Sea) as it establishes a strong connection to the reader.

For me it was a little bit difficult to get what you want to say with the following passage:
Adrift to change your stars, you don’t agree
with hopeless fate.

Thanks for sharing it, I really enjoyed reading!

[teejai]

Overall the poem was a beautiful piece of work (I think putting your work out there for anyone to read takes courage and I commend you on that). With that in mind though, I find the beginning to be a bit stronger than the ending. I felt like I was being taken on a journey and then I was left shipwrecked after that. Perhaps it was the flow and how it changed. Thank you for sharing though, I enjoyed it!

[Blake]

The air of northern steppes now fills your lungs.
A stranger amidst foreign lands and tongues:

This pair of lines I felt flowed pretty well for me. But as mentioned before the metre almost seems every so slightly off, although syllabically the lines match each other. I prefer to write syllabic verse and this is a common problem for me as well.

[justcloudy]

"Amid" vs "amidst" would fix it/help, no?

[Blake]

"Amid" vs "amidst" would fix it/help, no?

For me I feel that the rhythm gets off at this part:

"foreign lands and tongues"

Possibly to do with the pattern of syllables per word, and their position relative to the accompanying line?

Line 1: 9 words, 10 syllables, only one two-syllable word
Line 2: 7 words, 10 syllables, 3 two-syllable words

I am thinking if we could rearrange that second line and consult a thesaurus to try to balance the size of each word we could probably make it a tad more fluid.

For example:

The air of northern steppes now fills your lungs.
A guest of distant lands; of strange new tongues