Ice Aged

[ChristopherSea]

final version

Ice Aged

Water frozen
since the Pleistocene
flows unobtrusively.
Cro-Magnon dreams
and labors have eroded,
strewn as drumlin
burial mounds.

The glacier entombs
careless hominids,
disabled mastodons
and overzealous dire wolves,
who will serve as TV-dinners
for sociopathic sharks
yet to evolve.

Abraded bedrocks groan,
as advancing icy teeth
march over them
to chomp at the sea,
then calve into brine.

Illuminated on clear nights,
the ice glows pale blue
within obsidian waves.
Exhaling fog,
it deliquesces,
releasing ancient secrets
and new delicacies
to inhabitants of the abyss.

-------------------------------------------
Cider/Heslo/TrueE edit 4 Thanksmuch!

Ice Aged

Water frozen
since the Pleistocene
flows unobtrusively.
Cro-Magnon dreams
and labors have eroded,
strewn as drumlin
burial mounds.

The glacier entombs
careless hominids,
disabled mastodons
and overzealous dire wolves,
who will serve as TV-dinners
for sociopathic sharks
yet to evolve.

Abraded bedrocks groan,
as advancing icy teeth
march over them
to chomp at the sea,
then calve into brine.

Illuminated on clear nights,
the ice glows pale blue
within obsidian waves.
Exhaling fog,
it deliquesces,
releasing ancient secrets
and new delicacies
to inhabitants of the abyss.


--------------------------------------
Cider/Heslo edit 3 Thanksmuch!

Ice Aged

Water frozen
since the Pleistocene
flows unobtrusively.
Cro-Magnon dreams
and labors have eroded,
strewn as drumlin burial mounds.

The ice bears careless hominids,
disabled mastodons
and overzealous dire-wolves,
now frozen TV-dinners
for sociopathic sharks
that have not yet evolved.

Abraded bedrocks groan,
as advancing icy teeth
march over them
to chomp at the sea,
then calve into brine.

Illuminated on clear nights,
the ice glows pale blue
within obsidian waves.
Exhaling fog,
it deliquesces,
releasing ancient secrets
and new delicacies
to inhabitants of the abyss.

-------------------------------------------------------
Cider/Heslo edit 1 (quick edit more to follow, thanks!)

Ice Aged

Water frozen
since the Pleistocene
flows unobtrusively.
Cro-Magnon dreams
and labors have eroded,
strewn as drumlin burial mounds.

The ice bears careless hominids,
disabled mastodons
and overzealous dire-wolves,
now frozen TV-dinners
for sociopathic sharks
that have not yet evolved.

Abraded bedrocks groan,
as advancing icy teeth
march over them
to chomp at the sea,
then calve into brine.

Illuminated on clear nights,
the ice glows pale blue
in the obsidian waves.

Exhaling fog,
it deliquesces,
releasing ancient secrets
and new delicacies
to inhabitants of the abyss.


-------------------------------------------
Defrost

Water frozen since the Pleistocene
appears to flow unobtrusively,
yet Cro-Magnon dreams
and Neanderthal labors have eroded,
strewn as glacial drumlin.

The ice bears careless Hominids,
disabled Mastodons
and overzealous Dire Wolves,
now frozen TV-dinners
for psychopathic sharks
that have not yet evolved.

Metamorphic bedrocks groan,
as advancing icy teeth
chomp at the sea,
then calve into brine.

Illuminated on clear nights,
the ice glows pale blue
in the obsidian waves.
Exhaling fog, it deliquesces,
releasing ancient secrets
and delicacies
to inhabitants of the abyss.

[cidermaid]

Hi Chris,
like the subject choice and the images you offer but i did have a few issues with word choices and syntax.
I'm a bit short on time but will offer what i can and perhaps be able to come back later today.

The title is a bit too much of tell for me but is Ok and does a job.

Water frozen since the Pleistocene
appears to flow unobtrusively, I like the time placement and the use of unobtrusively here. I think it gives a good solid grounding to the poem subject and sets the pace of the read nicely.
yet Cro-Magnon dreams Don't like the use of yet to start this line and even more so when it is read in conjunction with the whole sentance.
and Neanderthal labors have eroded,
strewn as glacial drumlin.
Taken as a whole sentance i realy like the image you have here but think you need a total rethink of how you have set it out. Drumlin is a great word and gives me lots of images - I get a tear shaped deposit that makes me think the glacier is weeping and in doing so the gritty deposit is washed out and left behind. Don't know if you need to tell me it is a glacial drimlin - is there any other sort of drumlin? (question rather than statement).
I have seen you do this for others so hopefuly this will not cause offence here:-
Water frozen since the Pleistocene
appears to flow unobtrusively;
Cro-Magnon dreams
and Neanderthal labors,
are eroded into drumlin
burial mounds.

burial mounds might not be right either , but just showing where your images take me


The ice bears careless Hominids, Did you mean bares here? I know you might have been going for a double meaning here on Ice bears as in the the polar variety (or even the ice hockey team). Just a bit of ambiguity here in meaning I was not sure of and made me pause in the read to try and sort out. Did you want bare- as in expose.. or bear as in carry?
disabled Mastodons
and overzealous Dire Wolves,
now frozen TV-dinners
for psychopathic sharks
that have not yet evolved. Love the image here - made me smile

Metamorphic bedrocks groan,
as advancing icy teeth
chomp at the sea,
then calve into brine. Nice

Illuminated on clear nights,
the ice glows pale blue
in the obsidian waves.
Exhaling fog, it deliquesces, I have the same sort of issues with this last sentance as i did with the one in the first stanza. (and for similar reasons) Really like the images, but the way you have set it out feel strained.
releasing ancient secrets
and delicacies
to inhabitants of the abyss.

Sorry for the lack of depth - have to go now.
Hope these brief comments might be helpful.
All the best AJ.

[ChristopherSea]

Much obliged for your time and suggestions for this one AJ! Your interpretations are spot on, as are your ideas for editting! The birth of this poem stemsfrom my fascination with the geological and cryopreservation properties of glaciers, the fact that entire intact mammoths have been found in them. Remember, the discovery of the iceman? His tattoos, herbal medicine pouch, jewelry, all amazing finds! As for the title, I changed it a few times (not entirely happy with any). I liked 'Ice Aged', but then I thought of the Disney cartoon. I tried to avoid using glacier upfront too. Additonally, I had the same problem with 'yet' as you did. I tried a half a dozen different things and circled through them twice. I settled on 'yet' because even though glaciers appear to flow unobtrusively, there is quite a bit of impact from their crawl! Perhaps going back to just a semicolon as: '...unobtrusively; Cro-Magnonc dreams...' I love your idea for the drumlin; great extra purposing and drama in those burial mounds! Bear is too carry, but all the multiple entendre is great, especially if read outloud and not seeing the spelling. You may be right about combining exhale, deliquesces, ancient, secrets delicacies in a single sentence. I had two lines there before and I can reexamine the wording. I will compose an edit soon. Please do come back to critique the changes or with any other ideas. Thank you so much AJ! Have a nice weekend./Chris

[heslopian]

Water frozen since the Pleistocene
appears to flow unobtrusively,
yet Cro-Magnon dreams
and Neanderthal labors have eroded,
strewn as glacial drumlin. The verbiage in this verse threatens to overwhelm its rhythm. In fact, this is a recurrent problem. I'm not saying that you should dumb down, but maybe cut down on the adjectives in order to improve your aesthetic. "Neanderthal" could be trimmed to just "human" (we've already got the sense of neanderthal times). "Unobtrusively" could also be trimmed to "easily".

The ice bears careless Hominids,
disabled Mastodons
and overzealous Dire Wolves, Is "dire" needed?
now frozen TV-dinners I don't really like this metaphor. I get it, but it breaks the prehistoric atmosphere. "Frozen meals" would be a touch more subtle, I think.
for psychopathic sharks A small point, but "sociopathic" would be a more accurate description of an unevolved creature, I think, as "psychopathic" implies psychosis, which requires a complex psyche.
that have not yet evolved. I was willing to overlook the sporadic capitals in verse one, but here they're a bit more egregious. Only "The" and "TV" should be capitalised here.

Metamorphic bedrocks groan, Is "metamorphic" needed?
as advancing icy teeth Ditto "advancing".
chomp at the sea,
then calve into brine.

Illuminated on clear nights,
the ice glows pale blue
in the obsidian waves.
Exhaling fog, it deliquesces,
releasing ancient secrets
and delicacies
to inhabitants of the abyss. The best verse, much more delicate, chilly and gently mysterious than its predecessors.

There's an overabundance of artifice here. Too many adjectives blocking our path to an easier, softer rhythm, which I think is what you're trying to evoke. Purely my opinion, of course, and there is a lot of promise here, ChristopherSea. Thank you, as always, for the read

[ChristopherSea]

Water frozen since the Pleistocene
appears to flow unobtrusively,
yet Cro-Magnon dreams
and Neanderthal labors have eroded,
strewn as glacial drumlin. The verbiage in this verse threatens to overwhelm its rhythm. In fact, this is a recurrent problem. I'm not saying that you should dumb down, but maybe cut down on the adjectives in order to improve your aesthetic. "Neanderthal" could be trimmed to just "human" (we've already got the sense of neanderthal times). "Unobtrusively" could also be trimmed to "easily".

The ice bears careless Hominids,
disabled Mastodons
and overzealous Dire Wolves, Is "dire" needed?
now frozen TV-dinners I don't really like this metaphor. I get it, but it breaks the prehistoric atmosphere. "Frozen meals" would be a touch more subtle, I think.
for psychopathic sharks A small point, but "sociopathic" would be a more accurate description of an unevolved creature, I think, as "psychopathic" implies psychosis, which requires a complex psyche.
that have not yet evolved. I was willing to overlook the sporadic capitals in verse one, but here they're a bit more egregious. Only "The" and "TV" should be capitalised here.

Metamorphic bedrocks groan, Is "metamorphic" needed?
as advancing icy teeth Ditto "advancing".
chomp at the sea,
then calve into brine.

Illuminated on clear nights,
the ice glows pale blue
in the obsidian waves.
Exhaling fog, it deliquesces,
releasing ancient secrets
and delicacies
to inhabitants of the abyss. The best verse, much more delicate, chilly and gently mysterious than its predecessors.

There's an overabundance of artifice here. Too many adjectives blocking our path to an easier, softer rhythm, which I think is what you're trying to evoke. Purely my opinion, of course, and there is a lot of promise here, ChristopherSea. Thank you, as always, for the read

Some good observations Hes and I shall incorporate many of your suggestions, as well as AJ's in my next edit. I can easily simplify that hominid to one species in the opener. Yes, the caps are not really needed. However dire-wolf is actually the real name of that carnivore (the dash may indicate that), but I could trade him out for a sabertooth. TV was used, to emphasize that these mammals remain frozen up to the present (still, I will take another look). Agreed, sociopathetic is more accurate. Intriguingly, I watched a Discovery channel special on future species and Sharko-paths were one of them! Metamorphic implies that the bedrocks have been changed by the pressure of the glacier itself, but something like 'strained' or 'crushed' would suffice. Thank you very much for your time and insights Jack! I'll try to work on this edit over the weekend. Cheers/Chris

---

[ChristopherSea]

Cider/Heslop edit 1 posted but in still progress.

[heslopian]

Cider/Heslo edit 1 (quick edit more to follow, thanks!)

Ice Aged

Water frozen
since the Pleistocene
flows unobtrusively.
Cro-Magnon dreams
and labors have eroded,
strewn as drumlin burial mounds. This verse is much improved, especially by your addition of "burial mounds", which adds a clarity and poignance, and the rhythm you've effected with your shorter lines.

The ice bears careless hominids,
disabled mastodons
and overzealous dire-wolves,
now frozen TV-dinners
for sociopathic sharks
that have not yet evolved. It's amazing how much the removal of those needless capitals has improved this verse. It's suddenly gone from clunky and pretentious to powerful and elegant.

Abraded bedrocks groan,
as advancing icy teeth
march over them
to chomp at the sea,
then calve into brine. Perfect, concise lines, a nicely self-contained verse.


Illuminated on clear nights,
the ice glows pale blue
in the obsidian waves. Is "the" needed?

Exhaling fog,
it deliquesces, Is this line needed? The verse is otherwise perfect, and might be fully rounded if you cut this line and change "releasing" to "it releases" in its successor. Just a thought; I really don't want to suggest too much, as you've made a miraculous edit already.
releasing ancient secrets
and new delicacies
to inhabitants of the abyss.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm really really enthusaistic about this edit You've turned what was a clunky and plodding poem into something majestic. Critique is, as always, JMHO. Thank you for the read

[cidermaid]

Hi Chris - good edit.
I look through the lines and offer any thoughts as I do.
[quote='ChristopherSea' pid='147640' dateline='1385056534']
Cider/Heslo edit 1 (quick edit more to follow, thanks!)

Ice Aged

Water frozen
since the Pleistocene
flows unobtrusively.
Cro-Magnon dreams
and labors have eroded,
strewn as drumlin burial mounds. This is a really great re-word you have done here. (especially what you have done with the first couple of lines) It is an amazing transformation and this and the new title I can see no crits to offer.

The ice bears careless hominids,
disabled mastodons
and overzealous dire-wolves, heslopian mentioned it in his first crit, but now it has been mentioned i am not so sure about the dire preface to wolves. It makes me think what is dire about them. lean perhaps?...but maybe just wolves.
now frozen TV-dinners Just to mention i do not have a problem with TV dinners and glad you kept it - think the narrator is not speaking from the ice age so this is a relevant mention for me.
for sociopathic sharks The change of word here gives me a much stronger picture - it takes some of the humour away that I saw in the first read, but for the better i think.
that have not yet evolved.

Abraded bedrocks groan,
as advancing icy teeth
march over them
to chomp at the sea,
then calve into brine. Love this stanza - calve into brine is my favorite line

Illuminated on clear nights,
the ice glows pale blue
in the obsidian waves. Do you need "the" before obsidian (it feel gramatically wrong but this is not my strong point so I could be wrong)

Exhaling fog,
it deliquesces, I like the use of delinquencies, to give the fog a personification as i get a sense of the ice flow having a persona which has not benn over played, but placement of the word it still reads wrong for me. (but i'm not sound enought on grammar to explain why) How about delinquent fog exhales...
releasing ancient secrets
and new delicacies
to inhabitants of the abyss. Overall the last stanza has been much improved and my enjoyment of your poem has been increased with the edit.

all the best AJ

[ChristopherSea]

Hi Chris - good edit.
I look through the lines and offer any thoughts as I do.
[quote='ChristopherSea' pid='147640' dateline='1385056534']
Cider/Heslo edit 1 (quick edit more to follow, thanks!)

Ice Aged

Water frozen
since the Pleistocene
flows unobtrusively.
Cro-Magnon dreams
and labors have eroded,
strewn as drumlin burial mounds. This is a really great re-word you have done here. (especially what you have done with the first couple of lines) It is an amazing transformation and this and the new title I can see no crits to offer.

The ice bears careless hominids,
disabled mastodons
and overzealous dire-wolves, heslopian mentioned it in his first crit, but now it has been mentioned i am not so sure about the dire preface to wolves. It makes me think what is dire about them. lean perhaps?...but maybe just wolves.
now frozen TV-dinners Just to mention i do not have a problem with TV dinners and glad you kept it - think the narrator is not speaking from the ice age so this is a relevant mention for me.
for sociopathic sharks The change of word here gives me a much stronger picture - it takes some of the humour away that I saw in the first read, but for the better i think.
that have not yet evolved.

Abraded bedrocks groan,
as advancing icy teeth
march over them
to chomp at the sea,
then calve into brine. Love this stanza - calve into brine is my favorite line

Illuminated on clear nights,
the ice glows pale blue
in the obsidian waves. Do you need "the" before obsidian (it feel gramatically wrong but this is not my strong point so I could be wrong)

Exhaling fog,
it deliquesces, I like the use of delinquencies, to give the fog a personification as i get a sense of the ice flow having a persona which has not benn over played, but placement of the word it still reads wrong for me. (but i'm not sound enought on grammar to explain why) How about delinquent fog exhales...
releasing ancient secrets
and new delicacies
to inhabitants of the abyss. Overall the last stanza has been much improved and my enjoyment of your poem has been increased with the edit.

all the best AJ

Much obliged AJ! It is help from dedicated folks like you that make these edits work for the better! As for that 'the', I see what you mean if it were to refer to the iceberg, but it refers to the ocean's waves being dark and glassy (ie obsidian). Does that justify the need for two articles (I'm not certain)? Nonetheless, I will give it another look, perhaps I need to reword it. I finally see why you are troubled by 'deliquesces', which means 'to melt'. Spell-Check tries to change that into 'delinquent' or 'neglegent'. Therefore, let me know if this still works as this:

'Exhaling fog, it melts (deliquesces),
releasing ancient secrets...'

Thanks for the return visit!!/Chris

[ChristopherSea]

New edit 3: Removed that 'the' and combined the last two stanzas. That penultimate one looked odd as a stand alone.

[ChristopherSea]

Cider/Heslo edit 1 (quick edit more to follow, thanks!)

Ice Aged

Water frozen
since the Pleistocene
flows unobtrusively.
Cro-Magnon dreams
and labors have eroded,
strewn as drumlin burial mounds. This verse is much improved, especially by your addition of "burial mounds", which adds a clarity and poignance, and the rhythm you've effected with your shorter lines.

The ice bears careless hominids,
disabled mastodons
and overzealous dire-wolves,
now frozen TV-dinners
for sociopathic sharks
that have not yet evolved. It's amazing how much the removal of those needless capitals has improved this verse. It's suddenly gone from clunky and pretentious to powerful and elegant.

Abraded bedrocks groan,
as advancing icy teeth
march over them
to chomp at the sea,
then calve into brine. Perfect, concise lines, a nicely self-contained verse.


Illuminated on clear nights,
the ice glows pale blue
in the obsidian waves. Is "the" needed?

Exhaling fog,
it deliquesces, Is this line needed? The verse is otherwise perfect, and might be fully rounded if you cut this line and change "releasing" to "it releases" in its successor. Just a thought; I really don't want to suggest too much, as you've made a miraculous edit already.
releasing ancient secrets
and new delicacies
to inhabitants of the abyss.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm really really enthusaistic about this edit You've turned what was a clunky and plodding poem into something majestic. Critique is, as always, JMHO. Thank you for the read

Jack, thanks again for taking a second look and the encouraging comments. I am so slow on catching up on things since the year end holidays and work demands this December and January. Nonetheless, I shall rexamine 'the' before obsidian and whether I need 'deliqueses', altough I really love the word!/Chris

---

---

Edit 3 with a few subtle edits, but I am still clinging to 'deliqueses'. Thanks folks!/Chris

[Truerenigma]

Chris, uncommon wording does not a poem make. I am unable to get past "overzealous dire-wolves". Yuck. You have an abstract adjective, further modified by being compounded to an abstract adverb, modifying a noun which is already over-modified, and rendered abstract, by its paring to an abstract adjective. Don't just do things with words, make the words do things. If you want to modify a noun, let another noun grab a verb and do something to it. In other words, the strongest modified nouns are objects of transitive verbs, and subjects with transitive verbs.

The ice bears careless hominids,
disabled mastodons
and overzealous dire-wolves,
now frozen TV-dinners
for sociopathic sharks
that have not yet evolved.

Here you have an entire stanza without a single verb! Is the comma in S1 an error? Is there supposed to be an "are" before "now"? It is grammatically, and otherwise, nonsensical; and it completely misses the point of what poetry is all about. In fact, you could write a poem with nothing but verbs, but you cannot write a poem without verbs!!!

Your reader, me, is reading to find out what happens. An experience occurs when something happens. By obscuring the action with over-modification, and worse, not supplying the necessary verbs at all, you are cheating your reader out of the experience. C'mon, Chris! Make something happen.

[ChristopherSea]

Chris, uncommon wording does not a poem make. I am unable to get past "overzealous dire-wolves". Yuck. You have an abstract adjective, further modified by being compounded to an abstract adverb, modifying a noun which is already over-modified, and rendered abstract, by its paring to an abstract adjective. Don't just do things with words, make the words do things. If you want to modify a noun, let another noun grab a verb and do something to it. In other words, the strongest modified nouns are objects of transitive verbs, and subjects with transitive verbs.

The ice bears careless hominids,
disabled mastodons
and overzealous dire-wolves,
now frozen TV-dinners
for sociopathic sharks
that have not yet evolved.

Here you have an entire stanza without a single verb! Is the comma in S1 an error? Is there supposed to be an "are" before "now"? It is grammatically, and otherwise, nonsensical; and it completely misses the point of what poetry is all about. In fact, you could write a poem with nothing but verbs, but you cannot write a poem without verbs!!!

Your reader, me, is reading to find out what happens. An experience occurs when something happens. By obscuring the action with over-modification, and worse, not supplying the necessary verbs at all, you are cheating your reader out of the experience. C'mon, Chris! Make something happen.

Dude, 'bear' or to carry is a verb the last time I looked it up, but you may have confused it with the ursine beast. I could change the verb to something less confusing. Dire wolves are real (Canis dirus "fearsome dog"). They are an extinct carnivorous mammals of the genus Canis, roughly the size of the gray wolf, but with a heavier build. Also, I think I need that comma. I suppose that I could add 'they are' or 'they have become'. As for overzealous, many predators have leaped to their own deaths in tar pits, quick sand or glaciers over enthusiastically pursuing their prey (not looking before they leap). Again, I will look at the wording. Otherwise, I see nothing wrong with the line, but I will give it another look, as I respect your poetic eye. Thanks for your time and effort TrueE! Cheers/Chris

---

Edit 4 with some clarifying edits suggested by trueE. The only replacements for 'bears' that I can think of are 'carries' , 'transports' or 'conveys', but I am not certain that they work. Thanks!/Chris

[Truerenigma]

Yeah, I read bears as a noun, and did not think a species would require a hyphen. It still looks like a list of frozen things, bears included. I would think encases, entombs, or freezes, as you don't need "frozen" anyway, t.v. diners are frozen, and so is ice. Maybe even flash freezes. If you are referring to a thawing event, you want bares. A note, bear usually indicates a burden. It may be suffering from infinite infestation, maybe an additional article would help. Or something like: the glacier bears its careless hominids, or the glacier comes bearing...

[ChristopherSea]

Yes, I removed that 'dire' dash in the last edit. Entombs is an intriguing alternative. Your retooling of 'bear' may clarify the verb as well. Let me take a look. Thanks for the staying with me on this!

---

TrueE, I am going with your 'glacier' reveal and 'emtombs', while losing the 'frozen'. I like this better, thank you so much!/Chris