The ballad of dancing Willy rabbit heart (true-enigma edit)

[Truerenigma]

Chazz,

I was mostly thinking about the line that I already pointed out, but I suppose it's not really an inversion, just an error in the syntax. Also the repeated line "what led him to this..."but then that's not really Rhyme driven, and looking back at it now, it's really not much worse than "as a child I missed what led him to this."

I've got the poem on paper. I will go through each line more closely, and post my notes tomorrow.

[Charlesjoseph]

Thanks True,
and congrats on the spotlight

[Truerenigma]

Thank you. And your welcome.

[Truerenigma]

Hi Chazz,
Sorry I'm late getting this posted. I was having some technical difficulties (I had to get a new computer), and didn't want to have to do it on my phone.

I know a place in the Willowbrook pines,
where they kept sick children in cages-
five-foot-five, only he would survive,
to dance for miniscule wages.

S1 one has a nice rhythm, and a musical quality about it—a good blend of iambs and anapests, alternating between four and three beat lines—a good choice for a poem with 'ballad' in the title.

The only trouble I see here is the second clause in L3:

only he would survive

It is unclear (to me) whether you meant that he would be the only child to survive, or just that the only thing he would survive, or go on, to do is dance for pennies. Also, the location is unclear; I'm uncertain, and a bit incredulous regarding these cages unless maybe we're talking about a hospital and this is a metaphor, or metonym, but the rest of it is in a park, and it is hard to picture a hospital "in the pines". If Willowbrook pines is just a name for the locale, or a township, etc., and does not literally mean "pines" (which are pretty easy to imagine being in a park, but the cages aren't), shouldn't "pines" then also be capitalized?

~

What led him to this as a child I missed,
but for a penny he'd play his part-
In the park by the slide, a memory resides,
of dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.

You could perhaps open with this stanza; it provides a name for all the pronoun "he's", and the current opening stanza could provide an explanation for what was missed as a child i.e. the basic idea would be "as a child I missed this, but now i know of the place where he came from", which may be a more logical, linear train of thought for the reader to follow.

~

What led him to this as a child I missed,
but for a penny he'd play his part-
In the park by the slide, a memory resides,
of dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.

The improper English in L2 bothers me a bit: It should be " he was a good shucker and jiver", or "he could shuck and jive quite well". Also I don't think the the first comma in L3 is needed.

The lyrical rhythm, and imagery, is pretty strong; but again we don't really seem to be following a logical thought-stream—I don't see what yellow eyes and grey side chops have to do with his ability to shuck and jive.

~

Willy poor Willy what did we do,
but swarm round you like bees-
with skin like tar, and a lobotomy scar,
we'd dance you to your knees.

I've already addressed my issue with this stanza (which may be a bit pedantic), and that was and still is the only problem I see here. The imagery is good, the rhythm is good ( except that I think "around" would work better that having L2 wholly iambic, and be stronger verbiage), and I really like "bee" simile.

I don't know about about L1 though, it seems to me that more could be said, rather than just repeating the name and chanting "Willy poor Willy" in nursery rhyme fashion.

~

What led him to this as child I missed,
but now that I know much more-
in burlap sealed, in the potters field,
a man that god ignored.

The second part of this stanza comes across to me as almost non-sequitur—it may fixed with something as simple as stating "he is(or was) burlap sealed...", but I'm not sure, I struggle to connect it to the rest, the cages, or what led him to this etc.—to me it seems that the metaphors and symbolism (if that's what they are) aren't really held aloft by anything, they are just sort of thrown out there, but I could be missing something here.

~

And of all my childhood memories,
some bittersweet some tart-
a ghost resides, in the pit of my mind,
named dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.

The cadence is off in L2 two; do to the rhythmic expectations set by the previous stanzas, I want to read "bittersweet" as a dactyl, followed by a hard accent, or erSWEET followed by an anapest. As a result I find myself reading it: some BITTersweet SOME.. and tart comes almost as an afterthought, and just drops of the line, which feels too short. A comma after bittersweet may keep me from rushing through the word, and give a me a stronger accent on SWEET, with a cesura.

TBH I think I would go with Tom's Suggestion: some bitter, some sweet, some tart.


"And of all my childhood memories" sets up an expectation for a compare/contrast, or something like " of all of them... this is the most"..or.."this one stands out.." but we're not talking about the others, so why mention them?


As a whole, I like it. It is musical, and demonstrates a good ear for rhythm and cadence (for the most part). It is emotionally accessible, and the dancing Willy image is clear and easy to visualize.


Some of the clauses/lines/stanza seem strung together though, without a whole lot of thought aside from fitting the rhyme, rhythm, and cadence of the stanza form, and I think there's some room here for improvement.

[justcloudy]

Hi Chazz,

I have to say is the first versions of this one didn't do anything for me. They felt a bit trite, and I couldn't connect with the poem or the characters at all.

But this last one-- it really made me FEEL something, and it was powerful. True has pointed out some details that could smooth it out, yes, but overall I'm just really impressed at the improvement. You've really made something special now. I'm glad you were brave enough to do such a drastic rewrite, because that isn't easy. Well done.

-justcloudy

[Truerenigma]

She is right, it is coming along nicely. Don't give up on it.

[Charlesjoseph]

Hi Chazz,

I have to say is the first versions of this one didn't do anything for me. They felt a bit trite, and I couldn't connect with the poem or the characters at all.

But this last one-- it really made me FEEL something, and it was powerful. True has pointed out some details that could smooth it out, yes, but overall I'm just really impressed at the improvement. You've really made something special now. I'm glad you were brave enough to do such a drastic rewrite, because that isn't easy. Well done.

-justcloudy

Hey Cloudy,
Thanks very much for the positive reinforcement it's a work in progress but the bones seem strong in this one. time will tell.
Chazz

---

Hi Chazz,
Sorry I'm late getting this posted. I was having some technical difficulties (I had to get a new computer), and didn't want to have to do it on my phone.

I know a place in the Willowbrook pines,
where they kept sick children in cages-
five-foot-five, only he would survive,
to dance for miniscule wages.

S1 one has a nice rhythm, and a musical quality about it—a good blend of iambs and anapests, alternating between four and three beat lines—a good choice for a poem with 'ballad' in the title.

The only trouble I see here is the second clause in L3:

only he would survive

It is unclear (to me) whether you meant that he would be the only child to survive, or just that the only thing he would survive, or go on, to do is dance for pennies. Also, the location is unclear; I'm uncertain, and a bit incredulous regarding these cages unless maybe we're talking about a hospital and this is a metaphor, or metonym, but the rest of it is in a park, and it is hard to picture a hospital "in the pines". If Willowbrook pines is just a name for the locale, or a township, etc., and does not literally mean "pines" (which are pretty easy to imagine being in a park, but the cages aren't), shouldn't "pines" then also be capitalized?

~

What led him to this as a child I missed,
but for a penny he'd play his part-
In the park by the slide, a memory resides,
of dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.

You could perhaps open with this stanza; it provides a name for all the pronoun "he's", and the current opening stanza could provide an explanation for what was missed as a child i.e. the basic idea would be "as a child I missed this, but now i know of the place where he came from", which may be a more logical, linear train of thought for the reader to follow.

~

What led him to this as a child I missed,
but for a penny he'd play his part-
In the park by the slide, a memory resides,
of dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.

The improper English in L2 bothers me a bit: It should be " he was a good shucker and jiver", or "he could shuck and jive quite well". Also I don't think the the first comma in L3 is needed.

The lyrical rhythm, and imagery, is pretty strong; but again we don't really seem to be following a logical thought-stream—I don't see what yellow eyes and grey side chops have to do with his ability to shuck and jive.

~

Willy poor Willy what did we do,
but swarm round you like bees-
with skin like tar, and a lobotomy scar,
we'd dance you to your knees.

I've already addressed my issue with this stanza (which may be a bit pedantic), and that was and still is the only problem I see here. The imagery is good, the rhythm is good ( except that I think "around" would work better that having L2 wholly iambic, and be stronger verbiage), and I really like "bee" simile.

I don't know about about L1 though, it seems to me that more could be said, rather than just repeating the name and chanting "Willy poor Willy" in nursery rhyme fashion.

~

What led him to this as child I missed,
but now that I know much more-
in burlap sealed, in the potters field,
a man that god ignored.

The second part of this stanza comes across to me as almost non-sequitur—it may fixed with something as simple as stating "he is(or was) burlap sealed...", but I'm not sure, I struggle to connect it to the rest, the cages, or what led him to this etc.—to me it seems that the metaphors and symbolism (if that's what they are) aren't really held aloft by anything, they are just sort of thrown out there, but I could be missing something here.

~

And of all my childhood memories,
some bittersweet some tart-
a ghost resides, in the pit of my mind,
named dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.

The cadence is off in L2 two; do to the rhythmic expectations set by the previous stanzas, I want to read "bittersweet" as a dactyl, followed by a hard accent, or erSWEET followed by an anapest. As a result I find myself reading it: some BITTersweet SOME.. and tart comes almost as an afterthought, and just drops of the line, which feels too short. A comma after bittersweet may keep me from rushing through the word, and give a me a stronger accent on SWEET, with a cesura.

TBH I think I would go with Tom's Suggestion: some bitter, some sweet, some tart.


"And of all my childhood memories" sets up an expectation for a compare/contrast, or something like " of all of them... this is the most"..or.."this one stands out.." but we're not talking about the others, so why mention them?


As a whole, I like it. It is musical, and demonstrates a good ear for rhythm and cadence (for the most part). It is emotionally accessible, and the dancing Willy image is clear and easy to visualize.


Some of the clauses/lines/stanza seem strung together though, without a whole lot of thought aside from fitting the rhyme, rhythm, and cadence of the stanza form, and I think there's some room here for improvement.

Hey True,
I just got home from work and wanted to thank you for putting so much effort into your critique. I'm going to print it out and use your notes tomorrow morning when i start the new draft. Sorry bout your computer.
Chazz

[Charlesjoseph]

Ok True,
I put up a revision. Thanks Again for the input it was extremely helpful. let me know what you think.
Cheers
Chazz

[Truerenigma]

Willy poor Willy what did we do,
but swarm 'round you like bees-
with jeers to smart, your rabbit heart,
we'd dance you to your knees.

Here you do not need the comma after "smart". I know it's there for your marked, rhyming caesura, but it's just incorrect, and noticeably so.

What led you to this as a child I missed,
but now I’ve learned the score-
in burlap sealed, in the potter's field,
lay a man that god ignored.

"lay a man".. really brings this home for me. Should it be lays?


I like it. TBH though I rather miss the yellow eyes and grey side chops image. It wasn't the line, but sentence that was bothering me.

Maybe someone else will comment. I'd like to see what others have to add.

Milo?

[Keith]

The Ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart -----------------( 3rd revision - editorial advisement / true enigma)

I know a place in the Willowbrook Pines,
where they kept sick children in cages-
five-foot-five, only he would survive,
to dance for miniscule wages.

What led him to this as a child I missed,
but for a penny he'd play his part-
In the park by the slide, a memory resides,
of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.

With skin like tar and lobotomy scar,
he was wholly misunderstood-
but for a miniscule tip, he'd shake his hips,
for any kid in the neighborhood.

Willy poor Willy what did we do,
but swarm 'round you like bees-
with jeers to smart, your rabbit heart,
we'd dance you to your knees.

What led you to this as a child I missed,
but now I’ve learned the score-
in burlap sealed, in the potter's field,
lay a man that god ignored.

And of all my childhood memories,
some bitter, some sweet, some tart-
a ghost resides, that clatters inside,
named dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.



Chazz
[/size]

Hi Chazz I just wanted to say how amazed I am at the transformation of this poem and your ability to interpret the workshop, great stuff a lesson for us all me thinks. You definitely have a keeper on your hands. I'm of to read it again. Keith

[Charlesjoseph]

Hi Chazz I just wanted to say how amazed I am at the transformation of this poem and your ability to interpret the workshop, great stuff a lesson for us all me thinks. You definitely have a keeper on your hands. I'm of to read it again. Keith
[/quote]

Hey keith,
Thanks it's just about finished i think i still have a few questions in my head but nothing that will alter it too much.
Chazz

---

lay a man that god ignored.

"lay a man".. really brings this home for me. Should it be lays?

Honestly I'm not sure about this at all lay/lays is a confusing issue for me.



TBH though I rather miss the yellow eyes and grey side chops image.

I think it's a toss up between the two lines both of them decribe aspects of willy but i felt 4 descriptors was too much so i chose what i felt suited the poem best.

yellow eyes and grey side chops
or
skin like tar and lobotomy scar

Hey True,
I fixed the comma as you suggested and answered a few of your questions.
Chazz