I Am Sent Me

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Edit
I am unbinding movement
Yet motionless calm

I am the petals of the blossom
And winter’s kiss to spring

I am a carefree child's perception
I see wonder in everything

I am a waking moment of clarity
In a barren dreamless night

I am faith beyond religion
Not an ideal of wrong or right

I am blind to race and creed
And need to make this clear

Your hate will not deter me
Nor will you bind me with your fear

Because I am love
And I Am sent me

Original
I am unbinding movement
Yet motionless calm

I am the petals of the blossom
And winter’s kiss to spring

I am a carefree child's perception
I see wonder in everything

I am a waking moment of clarity
In a barren dreamless night

I am faith beyond religion
Not an ideal of wrong or right

I am blind to race and creed
And need to make this clear

I am not here to discuss this
You will lose

Because I am love
And I am sent me

[Mungo man]

I am unbinding movement
Yet motionless calm -- This line seems to serve only to conflict with itself, because when is love ever motionlessly calm? It seems to fight the theme a little bit. The structure fits with it, but perhaps with a bit of thinking you can see something that works better.

I am the petals of the blossom
And winter’s kiss to spring

I am a carefree child's perception
I see wonder in everything -- love these four lines

I am a waking moment of clarity
In a barren dreamless night -- when does waking occur on a dream less night? Just a thought

I am faith beyond religion
Not an ideal of wrong or right

I am blind to race and creed
And need to make this clear

I am not here to discuss this -- this part threw me off. What exactly are you here to discuss? And what are you not here to discuss really? It seems out of place and (for me) it throws off the mood of the poem at a crucial point.
You will lose

Because I am love
And I am sent me maybe its that I don't understand your phrasing but it seems like you could conjure up a better line. I like the clarification of love though, it ties the nearly unrelatable events together with a common theme that the reader can now understand.

It's a good idea for a poem, and at certain points I really enjoyed it. There are just a few things that muddle it up.

keep up the good work [/b]

[Jae Mc Donnell]

I am unbinding movement
Yet motionless calm -- This line seems to serve only to conflict with itself, because when is love ever motionlessly calm? It seems to fight the theme a little bit. The structure fits with it, but perhaps with a bit of thinking you can see something that works better.

I am the petals of the blossom
And winter’s kiss to spring

I am a carefree child's perception
I see wonder in everything -- love these four lines

I am a waking moment of clarity
In a barren dreamless night -- when does waking occur on a dream less night? Just a thought

I am faith beyond religion
Not an ideal of wrong or right

I am blind to race and creed
And need to make this clear

I am not here to discuss this -- this part threw me off. What exactly are you here to discuss? And what are you not here to discuss really? It seems out of place and (for me) it throws off the mood of the poem at a crucial point.
You will lose

Because I am love
And I am sent me maybe its that I don't understand your phrasing but it seems like you could conjure up a better line. I like the clarification of love though, it ties the nearly unrelatable events together with a common theme that the reader can now understand.

It's a good idea for a poem, and at certain points I really enjoyed it. There are just a few things that muddle it up.

keep up the good work [/b]

Hello Mungo man, Thank you for you reply. I have made a change based on it, so thanks again.
Just a few points:
In saying "motionless calm" I was referring to the concept of inner piece and understanding that Buddhist refer to, that there is this oneness and stillness to everything.
As for the last line the 'I am sent me' one.
this was reference to Judaism and Christianity. This is to say love is sent from a higher power whether we take this to be a deity or simply the universe or indeed we could be the 'I Am' as in the state of being, existence, if you get my rambling. It's a condition of this oneness whereas hate is a projection of the self.
Again thanks for your comments I'd love to know if you like the line change and I will take a closer look at the rest and see where or if I will make more.

[Mungo man]

I think the line change fits well. Your explanations of the reasons behind your writing help me to enjoy it more. However if you want to be a better poet, your themes should come from inside the poem itself. Or maybe not. Who am I to say. I do enjoy the subject though, and I'm glad I could help.

edit: bollocks to that theme coming from inside your poem stuff. I think you're doing well with your style. At least, it means more than a cascading juxtaposition of images forming a scene. Keep on keeping on. If you've got the time I could use your critique in the new account subforum. Only if you want to of course, not trying to guilt trip you :p


edit 2: I see that you capitalized the Am in I Am sent me. This helps to convey what you mean to say. On my first read through it seemed like a very awkward and grammatically incorrect way to say that you were sent. Capitalizing makes it clear that 'I Am' is closer to an entity, even though you're referencing oneness and... Yeah, good idea.

[Polar Bear]

I like the antithesis used, but it makes the reading quite tense - I don't know if that was your intention or not.

Some random scribblings:

Edit
I am unbinding movement -- the word 'unbinding' suggests a bind - which fractures the image for me. But I cannot think of a better synonym; a thought.
Yet motionless calm

I am the petals of the blossom
And winter’s kiss to spring

I am a carefree child's perception -- These four lies I would consider removing 'a' and exercising ellipsis - it feels more flowing to me that way.
I see wonder in everything

I am a waking moment of clarity
In a barren dreamless night

I am faith beyond religion
Not an ideal of wrong or right

I am blind to race and creed
And need to make this clear

Your hate will not deter me
Nor will you bind me with your fear

Because I am love
And I Am sent me

Original
I am unbinding movement
Yet motionless calm

I am the petals of the blossom
And winter’s kiss to spring

I am a carefree child's perception
I see wonder in everything

I am a waking moment of clarity
In a barren dreamless night

I am faith beyond religion
Not an ideal of wrong or right

I am blind to race and creed
And need to make this clear

I am not here to discuss this
You will lose

Because I am love
And I am sent me

Cheers, and thank you for sharing your world.

[beaufort]

I am unbinding movement (free flowing movement? endless movement? unending movement? don't like "unbinding" - seems to block the movement of the verse)
Yet motionless calm

I am the petals of the blossom (this is OK, but this stanza doesn't do much for me )
And winter’s kiss to spring

I am a carefree child's perception (I am a carefree child)
I see wonder in everything (seeing wonder everywhere)

I am a waking moment of clarity (I am a clear, waking moment)
In a barren dreamless night

I am faith beyond religion
Not an ideal of wrong or right (idea? ideal?) (I see no wrong or right)

I am blind to race and creed
And need to make this clear (don't like this line so much - I am assuming the "I AM" would not need to make anything clear - ??)

Your hate will not deter me (desire instead of hate? the usual Buddhist polarity is desire and fear, though I may be reading you wrong)
Nor will you bind me with your fear

Because I am love
And I Am sent me (I would say I AM, as this is usually the way it is written) though this is a bit incongruent to me, as I am love and I AM would be the same thing???? I realize the semantics are impossible - could you just leave out these last two lines and say:

"Nor will you bind me with your fear

Because I AM"

It is still a bit clumsy.

I like to read things aloud and see how they flow - thanks for posting.

Original
I am unbinding movement
Yet motionless calm

I am the petals of the blossom
And winter’s kiss to spring

I am a carefree child's perception
I see wonder in everything

I am a waking moment of clarity
In a barren dreamless night

I am faith beyond religion
Not an ideal of wrong or right

I am blind to race and creed
And need to make this clear

I am not here to discuss this
You will lose

Because I am love
And I am sent me

[Mikeodial]

Edit
I am unbinding movement
Yet motionless calm

I am the petals of the blossom
And winter’s kiss to spring

I am a carefree child's perception
I see wonder in everything

I am a waking moment of clarity
In a barren dreamless night

I am faith beyond religion
Not an ideal of wrong or right

I am blind to race and creed
And need to make this clear

Your hate will not deter me
Nor will you bind me with your fear

Because I am love
And I Am sent me

Original
I am unbinding movement
Yet motionless calm

I am the petals of the blossom
And winter’s kiss to spring

I am a carefree child's perception
I see wonder in everything

I am a waking moment of clarity
In a barren dreamless night

I am faith beyond religion
Not an ideal of wrong or right

I am blind to race and creed
And need to make this clear

I am not here to discuss this
You will lose

Because I am love
And I am sent me

This appears more of a prayer/poem. Cutting some words might make it more relevant to others rather the reader "listening" to you saying the prayer.

It will also draw them to the I AM at the conclusion and lead the reader to that point.



I am unbinding movement
Yet motionless calm

I am the blossom’s petals
And Winter’s kiss to Spring

I am a carefree child
seeing wonder in all

I am clarity
On a barren night

I am faith itself
Not an ideal

I am blind to race and creed
Unresponsive to fear

Because I am love
And I Am sent me

[ThePinsir]

I'd be happier if the first and last stanzas fit the rhyme scheme.
Also, I'm not sure what you mean by "I Am sent me." Are you referring to God (I am that I am)? If so, that's pretty neat, but it might need a little clarification.

The first stanza says "unbinding" and the seventh says "nor will you bind me". Maybe a bit redundant.

Besides my merciless nitpicking, I really liked it. Thanks for the read