Posts: 21
Threads: 6
Joined: Oct 2013
I'm sure you'll have lots to work with here. Again, I'm not too sure about the title and the ending.
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I hate sleeping.
Laying for hours in silence,
being tortured by the cacophony
of thoughts of failure and of what
I've left behind us.
But there is no 'us' because
I've burned too many bridges.
The moonlight through my window
perfectly illuminates the colourful
portraits of regrets I've painted.
I become assaulted by the
Should haves
Would haves
Could haves.
Have what?
Every day I live on this foreign land
I become buffeted by acid rain and
I become eroded like a cheap statue of clay.
I speak the language, and I fit the part.
But I'm the new plot of "Monsters from Mars",
and I'm stranded because NASA doesn't have
the funding.
I hate waking up,
facing the Man in the mirror
like I'm in the ring staring down the Devil.
But the roles are reversed in this fight.
I'm the demon.
My reflection's the victim.
His eyes are black and swollen from shadows of doubt.
I look at the skin that's already been stretched to thin
it's cracking at the edges.
He begs me to stop, but I can't
because I'm a coward.
And I can't stand looking into his
eyes anymore because I got told I
had my mother's eyes and I can't
stand the disappointment.
So I sit for hours and
daydream of the time
when I surrender.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(11-17-2013, 05:15 PM)Viktor Vaughn Wrote: I'm sure you'll have lots to work with here. Again, I'm not too sure about the title and the ending.
--------------------------------------------
I hate sleeping.
Laying for hours in silence,
being tortured by the cacophony
of thoughts of failure and of what
I've left behind us.
But there is no 'us' because
I've burned too many bridges.
The moonlight through my window
perfectly illuminates the colourful
portraits of regrets I've painted.
I become assaulted by the
Should haves
Would haves
Could haves.
Have what?
Every day I live on this foreign land
I become buffeted by acid rain and
I become eroded like a cheap statue of clay.
I speak the language, and I fit the part.
But I'm the new plot of "Monsters from Mars",
and I'm stranded because NASA doesn't have
the funding.
I hate waking up,
facing the Man in the mirror
like I'm in the ring staring down the Devil.
But the roles are reversed in this fight.
I'm the demon.
My reflection's the victim.
His eyes are black and swollen from shadows of doubt.
I look at the skin that's already been stretched to thin
it's cracking at the edges.
He begs me to stop, but I can't
because I'm a coward.
And I can't stand looking into his
eyes anymore because I got told I
had my mother's eyes and I can't
stand the disappointment.
So I sit for hours and
daydream of the time
when I surrender.
Hi victor,
This piece deserves attention but it is not cooked yet. The crits in serious will ignore it or give it a working over beyond empathy...so I am moving it to mild where you will get less ascerbic comments and more appropriate guidance.
Thanks for posting.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 70
Threads: 17
Joined: Jan 2013
Hello Viktor Vaughn. I'll give this a once over, use whatever helps...
Quote:I hate sleeping.
Laying for hours in silence, A bit blunt this line, would like more than a description.
being tortured by the cacophony, cacophony, while adequate, comes off as a bit lazy. It could apply to any discordant noise situation, not just to insomnia.
of thoughts of failure and of what, Similar complaints with “failure”, but on top of that, the word is a cliche to hear.
I've left behind us.
But there is no 'us' because
I've burned too many bridges. Likewise, I start thinking “sigh, another poem of someone complaining about a breakup”. But the rest is better than S1, so I'd recommend not stating any of this explicitly...
The moonlight through my window
perfectly illuminates the colourful
portraits of regrets I've painted. I like moonlight framed by a window.
I become assaulted by the
Should haves
Would haves
Could haves.
Have what?
Every day I live on this foreign land
I become buffeted by acid rain and
I become eroded like a cheap statue of clay. Not sure how I feel about a cheap clay statue, but again I'm ok with the imagery. Too many “I's” in these lines, however.
I speak the language, and I fit the part.
But I'm the new plot of "Monsters from Mars",
and I'm stranded because NASA doesn't have
the funding. I know, we spend billions on our wars, but can't scratch two cents together for a descent mission to Europa. But I digress...
I hate waking up,
facing the Man in the mirror
like I'm in the ring staring down the Devil.
But the roles are reversed in this fight.
I'm the demon.
My reflection's the victim.
His eyes are black and swollen from shadows of doubt.
I look at the(better without “the”) skin that's already been stretched to thin (too, but better say “so thin it's cracking at the edges)
it's cracking at the edges.
He begs me to stop, but I can't (better to have “but I can't: I'm a coward”)
because I'm a coward.
And I can't stand looking into his
eyes anymore because I got told I
had my mother's eyes and I can't
stand the disappointment. Some of these lines can do with better phrasing, but I think you'd be better off without this stanza altogether, as it's just an enumeration on what you've said in your previous stanza.
So I sit for hours and
daydream of the time
when I surrender.
So I think insomnia is (obviously) a subject well worth pursuing (I've got a pom somewhere about it, not a very good one). I like the little image bursts here and there (moonlit window, clay statue, mirror/devil, though the last one I'd also have to think on). Keep exploring the things behind the narrators insomnia, that's important, and the more sophisticated, the better
