Marsh Prayer - Third Edit

[beaufort]

When the reeds have fallen half in love with the ocean
or with the green and muddied flats,
and when the grasses lean into the wind that holds them
pushing back towards the salted sand,
then the gulls fall silent,
the heron lifts his leg and stops mid-air,
the lily's mouth slides open,
dragging its roots against the silted earth.

The moon hovers over this holy place
and we, with heavy clayed feet,
unable to bring ourselves to stay or to leave,
sway like reeds in the rising tidewater,
whispering our warm wet breath into the marsh.
This brackish dark too deep to pierce -
cordgrass and bullrushes grasp at our waists;
outside the body, all things are encumbrances.




Marsh Prayer - second edit[/b]

When the reeds have fallen half in love with the ocean
or with the green and muddied flats,
and when grasses lean into the wind that holds them,
pushing back towards the salted sand,
the gulls fall silent, the heron lifts his leg then stops mid-air,
and the lily's mouth slides open,
dragging its knuckles across the salty earth.

We sway like reeds in the rising tidewater,
unable to bring ourselves to leave or to stay.
This brackish dark too deep to pierce -
cordgrass and bullrushes grasp at our waist,
encumbering only the body.

Marsh Prayer

Why not?
The reeds have fallen half in love with the ocean,
half in love with the green and mudded flats.
The grasses lean into the wind that holds them,
Then push back towards the salted sand.

This marsh untended, the dark too deep to pierce -
All things outside the body are encumbrances.
The lily’s mouth slides open, its knuckles drag
against the silted earth. The gulls fall silent,
the heron lifts his leg then stops mid-air.

The moon hovers over the soggy earth.
God is dressed as a women tonight, and
sits alone sipping expensive dram.
We, with heavy, clayed feet hum
Our warm wet breath into the Holy Mount.

[cidermaid]

I have not so much time to give this as it might deserve but will offer what i can for now.

Marsh Prayer

Why not? The title seems ok, if perhaps a little plain, it did not grab my attention when i saw it; but i do not get the why not question and in fact just ended up ignoring this as it is redundant to my read.

The reeds have fallen half in love with the ocean, This makes a much stronger opening line
half in love with the green and mudded flats. need to find a way round avoiding the repitition of half in love.
The grasses lean into the wind that holds them,
Then push back towards the salted sand. capitol of then not needed at start of line.

This marsh untended, the dark too deep to pierce - This line could be contracted by removing this marsh and made more interesting i think. Untended, a dark too deep to pierce.
All things outside the body are encumbrances. I am strugling with this line as you suddenly introduce a person / body referance and it jars the read. (Beyond this body lies a wilderness of desert). I need somehting that keeps the image of the marsh relationship, your current line, to my read, feels like it has teleported in from another poem
The lily’s mouth slides open, its knuckles drag love this image
against the silted earth. The gulls fall silent,
the heron lifts his leg then stops mid-air. ...And again this line has a real sense of action and emotion. Great lines

The moon hovers over the soggy earth.
God is dressed as a women tonight, and
sits alone sipping expensive dram.
We, with heavy, clayed feet hum don't need the second commar. hum seems ...well ho hum. How about resonate?
Our warm wet breath into the Holy Mount. suggest with instead of our. also I get the mount line but this is at odds with a marsh wich is flat so it jars my read...could you find another word to substitute...?place

As ever these are just my thoughts and opinion only use what is helpful.
I really liked the direction and emotion in your poem. All the best AJ

[beaufort]

Thanks for taking time to read this. I appreciate your comments and have already been mulling over the changes I am going to make. I will change the second stanza and leave out the "outside the body" part. I agree that that is a bit off-putting. Thanks!

[Mungo man]

A good poem, made better by the suggestions above me. I will reiterate that you should fix the issue of redundance in the first paragraph. But overall I like the mood and scenery you depict. Good work.

[beaufort]

Thanks for your comments - I appreciate it -

[tomoffing]

Excellent work.
And critique for that matter.
In particular, the first two points made by cidermaid.

The question is useless to the poem overall.

Regarding removing the repetition of "half in love". I think you can afford to be vaguer with your imagery in line two having already introduced the half element in line one.
Perhaps along the lines of
"Breathlessly besotted with the green and mudded flats"
You only need to suggest the other element and your opening imagery naturally draws you there.

Your heron image is exquisite. Really suspenseful and immediate.

[beaufort]

Thanks for taking your time to critique - I wii work on an edited version . Appreciate your comments!

[milo]

Marsh Prayer

Why not?
The reeds have fallen half in love with the ocean,
half in love with the green and mudded flats.
The grasses lean into the wind that holds them,
Then push back towards the salted sand.

The first line needs to go. After that you have four lines of flat description. Readers tend to get bored quickly (especially poetry readers) so four lines of description is a little much. A general rule of thumb is not to describe in poetry, that is for prose. You may want to set this up as a conditional statement instead, switching it up from describing to presenting. Example:

When reeds have fallen half in love with the ocean,
or with the green and mudded flats
and the grasses lean into the wind that holds them,
Then push back towards the salted sand.

you see how this is now presenting instead of describing? Of course it enlightens us to the second problem - then what? Still, dealing with that is your concern.

This marsh untended, the dark too deep to pierce -
All things outside the body are encumbrances.
The lily’s mouth slides open, its knuckles drag
against the silted earth. The gulls fall silent,
the heron lifts his leg then stops mid-air.

The moon hovers over the soggy earth.
God is dressed as a women tonight, and
sits alone sipping expensive dram.
We, with heavy, clayed feet hum
Our warm wet breath into the Holy Mount.

The problem of description is continued throughout the rest of the poem.

As Pound puts it:

"When Shakespeare talks of the "Dawn in russet mantle clad" he presents something which the painter does not present. There is in this line of his nothing that one can call description; he presents"

Thanks for posting, good luck.

[York E]

The content of the poem is really great. So no critique there. But I would work on spelling and punctuation. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think all the every sentence that begins a line should be capitalized. You put too much punctuation in some parts like, "We, with heavy, clayed feet hum" and put no punctuation or period in some lines and change that in others.

[beaufort]

Appreciate the feedback, thanks.

I am going to work on presenting versus describing and will post an edited version. Not sure I get it, but your lines do seem less "flat" and like they are leading on to something else. I'll take a stab at it soon. Appreciate you.

[milo]

Appreciate the feedback, thanks.

I am going to work on presenting versus describing and will post an edited version. Not sure I get it, but your lines do seem less "flat" and like they are leading on to something else. I'll take a stab at it soon. Appreciate you.

I will give the most basic example here though the concept is far more important and complex in poetry than I am providing:

describing:

There was a green glass on the table.

presenting:

The green glass on the table . . .

The one is flat prose, it is static and just describes a situation, the second is dynamic, it provides the same information but the description just exists as an image that will become important in another fashion.

[trophos]

I agree with a lot of what people have already said. Since no one mentioned it yet, though, I wanted to address meter.

Why not?
The reeds have fallen half in love with the ocean,
half in love with the green and mudded flats.
The grasses lean into the wind that holds them, --- I love the lilt of these first three lines, great natural iambic pentameter
Then push back towards the salted sand. --- the rhythm breaks down in this line - it's technically scannable but it feels like it's missing a couple of syllables

This marsh untended, the dark too deep to pierce - --- love love love the rhythm and consonance of 'the dark too deep to pierce'
All things outside the body are encumbrances.
The lily’s mouth slides open, its knuckles drag
against the silted earth. The gulls fall silent, --- first enjambment in the poem, yes? I think it works really nicely here. I like the heavy monosyllables of the second part - I might even push it, e.g. 'the gulls go still'
the heron lifts his leg then stops mid-air.

The moon hovers over the soggy earth. --- I don't like soggy, I'd like something more surprising there, e.g. rippling
God is dressed as a women tonight, and --- this enjambment is less effective - done for meter, I assume? Couldn't you get that last beat in there with an adjective or something? Also *woman
sits alone sipping expensive dram. --- because I'm a sucker for consonance, I'd do 'sits in solitude sipping...'
We, with heavy, clayed feet hum --- nice contrast clay:marshiness, and nice heavy beats to emphasize it
Our warm wet breath into the Holy Mount. --- Holy Mount threw me, I don't love it

I have no issue with it being a still, descriptive poem - actually I like how it gives a feeling of objective observation. I really enjoyed it, thanks for sharing.

[beaufort]

Thanks for your feedback. I am still slogging through a revision and will incorporate your suggestions. Appreciate it.

[beaufort]

A third edit is posted above. Thanks to those of you who have given feedback.

[jeremyyoung]

I like this very much.

I would prefer 'encumbrance' as the last word.