We may have been in love that time

[justcloudy]

edit 2 thanks Todd and tectak

We splashed in storm gutters under rainbows.
Whispers conspired, giggles crouched in corners,
hands too shy to take hold.
Then autumn storms blustered around us,
flashing conversation spilled out and over;
all walls were breached, our ditches flooded.
Puddled reflections showed different breeds
too alike to wade in deeper. Our hands went limp
that night. I didn't drift further but you slipped away
when the ripples we created caught up
and shattered the tainted calm.



edit 1, thanks AJ, tectak and lucent

We may have been in love that time

We splashed in storm gutters under rainbows.
Our minds conspired, giggles hunched in corners,
hands too shy to take hold.
Flashing conversation spilled out and over,
all walls were breached, our ditches flooded.
Puddled reflections showed different breeds
too alike to wade in deeper-- our stars did not align
that night. I kept my head, but lost yours
once the ripples we created caught up
and shattered tainted calm.

_______________________________________________________

original

Remember?

We splashed down the street;
though our minds held hands,
our fingers dared not touch.

Conversation spiralled, spilling,
breaching walls as yet unseen;
floodwater filled our ditches.

Puddled reflections mirrored two
creatures of different breeds
too alike to wade in deep.

We may have been in love
then, but showing it
would shatter tainted calm.

I kept my head above
but lost you, once the waves
we made caught up.

[cidermaid]

Hi, I found myself re-reading this several times because i liked it so much, but then also because there are several places where i find myself stumbling over the sentence / story construction.

We splashed down the street; Like this it gives me a solid image with lots of possitive connections.
though our minds held hands,
our fingers dared not touch. I love this opening stanza for intent of content, but my first read gave me an image much more abstract than the simple image I think you intended. (of minds [literally] holding [a] something [in this case hands] that is in someway a dangerous substance / something). Your sentance construction is perfectly rational so I'm not sure how I am twisting this - but the read becomes twisted and this in turn affects the smoothness of the read. Perhaps it is the use of "our" to connect the lines. Perhaps you should wait n see if anyone else finds a stumble...it could just be me!

Conversation spiralled, spilling,
breaching walls as yet unseen;
floodwater filled our ditches. I had a similar issue with this stanza over the use of spilling. It can read as if the subject is breaching walls that are spilling rather than the conversation. Think this might need a bit more of a tweek than just one word . Just looking at this to make some order to my thoughts but not offered as a credible edit suggestion:-

Conversation spiralled, spilled
like floodwater, breached,
unseen walls, filled our ditches.



Puddled reflections mirrored two I like puddled refelection, gives the the image a sullied aspect.
creatures of different breeds
too alike to wade in deep. not sure what wade in deep is quite right. (perhaps an image to suggest the fording of the puddles)

We may have been in love
then, but showing it
would shatter tainted calm. Although the sentiment is sweet, is this stanza needed...sorry it feels like a filler.

I kept my head above The use of above makes me question, above what? Is this needed. I think you could take out above and it would actually strengthen the sentiment of i kept my head and connect better with the but lost you.
but lost you, once the waves I like waves but perhaps ripples might add a layer of meaning.
we made caught up.

hope these thoughts are of some help AJ.

[justcloudy]

Wow AJ, that's probably the most helpful crit I've ever received, thank you so much! I'll be working on it! =]

-justcloudy

[lucentwavering]

We splashed down the street;
though our minds held hands,
our fingers dared not touch. - Is the word 'down' a bit too heavy in stress? Try 'in'. Then take out 'though'. 'dared not' seems somewhat contrived. Maybe 'not daring to touch.'

Conversation spiralled, spilling,
breaching walls as yet unseen;
floodwater filled our ditches. - the commas seem to me somewhat unnecessary and restrict the building rhythm of the verbs. For some reason I want to see the third line inverted (our ditches filled and flooded, for instance)

Puddled reflections mirrored two
creatures of different breeds
too alike to wade in deep. the first line of this stanza is my favourite. The last line needs to be filled out a bit, rhythmically.

We may have been in love
then, but showing it
would shatter tainted calm. - that last phrase is lovely.

I kept my head above
but lost you, once the waves
we made caught up. - I find the comma unnecessary. Otherwise, I find this quite delightful. The rhythm is somehow beautifully defeated and sour.

Nicely done! This is a strong piece of work.

[tectak]

We splashed down the street;
though our minds held hands,
our fingers dared not touch. Careful with the semi colon. L1 is a sentence and it is entirely unrelared to L2. Period then. L2 is most certainly related to L3 and together L2 and L3 are a perfect sentence. I understand that semi colons are used as a pause but if you direct the reader erroneously he/she will misinterpret first and question afterwards. The result is insecurity and a lack of confidence in the writer

Conversation spiralled, spilling,
breaching walls as yet unseen;
floodwater filled our ditches. The stanza is over-verby and forces the comma overload. The metaphor is lost in a confusion of explanatory notation. spiralled, spilling and breaching are not precision descriptors...otherwise you would not need all three. It is hard to get the imagery.
Try:
Spiralling conversation rose
to breach unseen walls.
The floodwater filled our ditches.

I still don't know what it means but now it is my problem...not yours.
Your poem.


Puddled reflections mirrored two
creatures of different breeds
too alike to wade in deep. Like but not rhythmical. You could make more of this stanza...oh, and tautologically mirrors do tend to reflect.

We may have been in love
then, but showing it
would shatter tainted calm.

I kept my head above
but lost you, once the waves
we made caught up.

I cannot help but think that this piece is too blocky. This is only a suggestion, but a simple restructuring might help.
See what you think.

We splashed down the street. Though our minds held hands,
our fingers dared not touch. Spiralling conversation rose
to breach unseen walls; the floodwater filled our ditches.
Puddles mirrored two creatures of different breeds
too alike to wade in deep.We may have been in love then,
but showing it would shatter tainted calm.
I kept my head above surface but lost you,
once the waves we made caught up.

Best,
tectak

[justcloudy]

tectak and lucent thank you both so much for your comments.

Posting a revision now. I think it's an improvement, but I'm honestly not sure if it's clearer now or if I muddled things up more.

-justcloudy

[Todd]

Hi Cloudy,

Better title, and the edit improves the poem. Some comments below:

edit 1, thanks AJ, tectak and lucent

We may have been in love that time

We splashed in storm gutters under rainbows.
Our minds conspired, giggles hunched in corners,--You don't need our minds
Flashing conversation spilled out and over,
all walls were breached, our ditches flooded.
Puddled reflections showed different breeds
too alike to wade in deeper-- our stars did not align--cut the cliche, perhaps
that night. I kept my head, but lost yours--This phrasing is not quite tweaking the original enough to make it work for me
once the ripples we created caught up
and shattered tainted calm.

What I didn't comment on I like. I think you did a good job extending the imagery throughout the poem.

Just thoughts.

Best,

Todd

[justcloudy]

Thanks Todd. I took your suggestions, helpful as always.

I added in a line (L4) because I felt the transition from light to darker was a bit abrupt. Hope the change helped.

-justcloudy

[Todd]

I think it did. Others may have different opinions, but I like what you've done with it.

[tectak]

edit 2 thanks Todd

We splashed in storm gutters under rainbows.
Whispers conspired, giggles crouched in corners,
hands too shy to take hold.
Then autumn storms blustered around us,
flashing conversation spilled out and over, semi colon. You are about to shift focus but not view.
all walls were breached, our ditches flooded.
Puddled reflections showed different breeds Hmmm. Maybe period here. Try it. Get rid of that dash, use a comma.
too alike to wade in deeper-- our hands went limp
that night. I didn't drift further but you slipped away
when the ripples we created caught up
and shattered tainted calm. the tainted calm
Good edit justc. Very nice work. Don't like the dash because I don't know what you want it to mean but apart from that it flies.
Well done,
tectak


edit 1, thanks AJ, tectak and lucent

We may have been in love that time

We splashed in storm gutters under rainbows.
Our minds conspired, giggles hunched in corners,
hands too shy to take hold.
Flashing conversation spilled out and over,
all walls were breached, our ditches flooded.
Puddled reflections showed different breeds
too alike to wade in deeper-- our stars did not align
that night. I kept my head, but lost yours
once the ripples we created caught up
and shattered tainted calm.

_______________________________________________________

original

Remember?

We splashed down the street;
though our minds held hands,
our fingers dared not touch.

Conversation spiralled, spilling,
breaching walls as yet unseen;
floodwater filled our ditches.

Puddled reflections mirrored two
creatures of different breeds
too alike to wade in deep.

We may have been in love
then, but showing it
would shatter tainted calm.

I kept my head above
but lost you, once the waves
we made caught up.

[justcloudy]

Fixed some punctuation. Thanks both. =]

-justcloudy