Miss Confection

[ChristopherSea]

final

Miss Confection

I’ve eaten your words
of vanilla and saffron,
suffered the blackened pod,
the crimson stigma
pressed into double-edge
razorblade wafers.

I swallowed macaroons
and marzipan swine,
shredded coconut figments
wrapped in raw pastry regret.

Cyanide rumors whispered
over embittered almonds
are your toxic epistles,
their message deficient.

Unsavory is the confection
fabricated with honeyed contempt,
sour cherry pies in disguise,
meted out half-baked.


----------------------------------------
(jeremy/Dale/Geoff edit1&2) Thank you!

Miss Confection

I’ve eaten your words
of vanilla and saffron,
suffered the blackened pod,
the crimson stigma
pressed into double-edge
razorblade wafers.

I swallowed macaroons
and marzipan swine,
shredded coconut figments
wrapped in raw pastry regret.

Cyanide rumors whispered
over embittered almonds
are your toxic epistles,
their message deficient.

Unsavory is the confection
fabricated with honeyed contempt,
sour cherry pies in disguise,
meted out half-baked.


------------------------------------------
Ms. Confection

I’ve eaten your words
of vanilla and saffron,
pilfered from extracts
of orchid and crocus,

suffered the blackened pod
and crimson stigma
you pressed into suspicious
razor-blade wafers.

I swallowed macaroons
and marzipan swine,
shredded coconut figments
of raw pastry regrets.

Cyanide rumors whispered
over embittered almonds
are your cloying toxic epistles,
their message deficient.

Unsavory is the confection
fabricated with honeyed contempt,
mince word pies in disguise
meted out half-baked.

[jeremyyoung]

What I don't like first...

'suspicious' adds nothing to 'razor-blade wafers' - 'cloying', possibly? - the last two lines.

What I do like

saffron > crocus > stigma... vanilla > orchid > blackened pod
the 3rd stanza really sticks in the throat - and I hope the eggs aren't off in the raw pastry - really good.
Cyanide and almonds - nice use of the words 'rumours' and 'whispered' leading to 'message deficient;

Spot on with 'unsavoury is the confection' - good juxtaposition - and the honeyed contempt is good - it's just, half cooked mince pie words? It's more Ms Direction... plus the meter drops and it kind of fizzles away.

Excuse my additional 'u's....

[Erthona]

Chris,

I get what you are attempting with this extended metaphor, but it seems a bit wordy.

"I’ve eaten your words
of vanilla and saffron,
pilfered from extracts
of orchid and crocus,"

What do the lines

"pilfered from extracts
of orchid and crocus,"

add to this stanza?

To me it should just be

"I’ve eaten your words
of vanilla and saffron"

although I don't really know what saffron equates to, vanilla is self explanatory.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This:

suffered the blackened pod
and crimson stigma
you pressed into suspicious
razor-blade wafers.

to:

suffered the blackened pod
with crimson stigma
made from suspicion
and pressed into
razor-blade wafers.

The problem is what connection does suspicion to " blackened pod
with crimson stigma"
-------------------------------------------
The same problem persist through, the object, "words", "suspicion", "regrets" and so on, do not seem to have any connection to the "Confection". For that reason, I get little from this poem, although I understand the intent. I think it is a good idea, but currently your not pulling it off.

If I were going to describe "regret" in terms of eatables, I would use something acidic, as regret taste acidic, like heartburn. Or defeat leaves a bitter taste in ones mouth. I would want to try and play off of these already established conventions, so that the eatable had some kind of connection to the object. I think the closets you get to this is

"your words of vanilla"

Maybe I'm missing something here, can you tell me what saffron describes about the "words".

Usually you would want to give the reader more of a hint, like:

You words are vanilla and eggshells,
bland and too fragile.

or something like that.

Best,


Dale

[geoff]

Hello Chris,

Some thoughts for you:

Ms. Confection

I’ve eaten your words
of vanilla and saffron,
pilfered from extracts
of orchid and crocus, ...read Dale's comments and agree; the "pilfered...crocus", while nice, didn't add much to the piece for me. In fact, they broke from the patter of the other stanzas, where origins are ignored in favor of introducing new flavors and topics.

suffered the blackened pod
and crimson stigma
you pressed into suspicious
razor-blade wafers. ..this stanza went over my head in terms of what it was trying to convey, especially the stigma and wafers

I swallowed macaroons
and marzipan swine,
shredded coconut figments
of raw pastry regrets. ...perhaps just from my reading at the moment, but I am not convinced that "of" is the best preposition in the stanza's fourth line

Cyanide rumors whispered
over embittered almonds
are your cloying toxic epistles,
their message deficient. ...this is a poem that feasts on adjectives, but I found them to be a bit overbearing in this stanza. That being said, the idea behind this stanza is my favorite in the piece

Unsavory is the confection ...the inverted structure to open the stanza gives it a much stronger punch
fabricated with honeyed contempt,
mince word pies in disguise
meted out half-baked. ...i was left thinking that the poem actually could be lengthened; this did not strike me as an ending. We get a number of stanzas about the lengths the speaker has endured, but just when we get a taste of a response, the poem ends somewhat cryptically. I am not sure just who is fabricating the "confection" at the close; still the "you" or has the table turned to the speaker (I apologize for being a bit tired at the moment, so it is entirely possible I've missed something huge!

hope this helps; thanks for the read!

[ChristopherSea]

What I don't like first...

'suspicious' adds nothing to 'razor-blade wafers' - 'cloying', possibly? - the last two lines.

What I do like

saffron > crocus > stigma... vanilla > orchid > blackened pod
the 3rd stanza really sticks in the throat - and I hope the eggs aren't off in the raw pastry - really good.
Cyanide and almonds - nice use of the words 'rumours' and 'whispered' leading to 'message deficient;

Spot on with 'unsavoury is the confection' - good juxtaposition - and the honeyed contempt is good - it's just, half cooked mince pie words? It's more Ms Direction... plus the meter drops and it kind of fizzles away.

Excuse my additional 'u's....

Jeremy, Thank you for taking the time to read this poem and share what worked and what was not up to snuff for you. Perhaps suspicious is not needed with razor-blade, originally I had razor-thin. Cloying was to contrast toxic and imply the over-sweetness is to cover up the poison within, but I shall give that another thought. Marzipan is a sticky confection made from almond paste. However, it is a raw one (not baked). I shall check the meter in the last stanza. You know, Ms Direction could capture the deceit theme better. I was thinking of something like misconception/Ms. Confection for word play and incorporation of the desert theme. Moreover, it was a play on mis-confection or a failed sweet. Much obliged for your critique. By the way, I love those British U's that add a bit of colour to certain words! Cheers/Chris

[ChristopherSea]

Chris,

I get what you are attempting with this extended metaphor, but it seems a bit wordy.

"I’ve eaten your words
of vanilla and saffron,
pilfered from extracts
of orchid and crocus,"

What do the lines

"pilfered from extracts
of orchid and crocus,"

add to this stanza?

To me it should just be

"I’ve eaten your words
of vanilla and saffron"

although I don't really know what saffron equates to, vanilla is self explanatory.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This:

suffered the blackened pod
and crimson stigma
you pressed into suspicious
razor-blade wafers.

to:

suffered the blackened pod
with crimson stigma
made from suspicion
and pressed into
razor-blade wafers.

The problem is what connection does suspicion to " blackened pod
with crimson stigma"
-------------------------------------------
The same problem persist through, the object, "words", "suspicion", "regrets" and so on, do not seem to have any connection to the "Confection". For that reason, I get little from this poem, although I understand the intent. I think it is a good idea, but currently your not pulling it off.

If I were going to describe "regret" in terms of eatables, I would use something acidic, as regret taste acidic, like heartburn. Or defeat leaves a bitter taste in ones mouth. I would want to try and play off of these already established conventions, so that the eatable had some kind of connection to the object. I think the closets you get to this is

"your words of vanilla"

Maybe I'm missing something here, can you tell me what saffron describes about the "words".

Usually you would want to give the reader more of a hint, like:

You words are vanilla and eggshells,
bland and too fragile.

or something like that.

Best,


Dale

Dale, thank you for a very thorough analysis! I don't disagree with your feeling that the poem takes a while to develop. Orchid and crocus, the source material for vanilla and saffron are there to employ 'pilfered'. Maybe it isn't worth the two extra lines. The saffron stands for the yellow of cowardice. It also supplies the stigma double entendre of the botanical female organ and the mark of dishonor. In the second stanza sinister would tie in better with 'blackened' and 'stigma'. I can also do the rewrite you suggest. As for the title, think mis-confection (like misfire) or a sweet that has failed as a treat. Nonetheless, Ms Confection is only a title and easily changed. Jeremy's 'Ms. Direction' suggestion, even if said tongue-in-cheek, could be more apropos and solve that major problem you see. If nobody gets the title I will change it. Some of those sour stomach references may work too. I appreciate the read and advice!/Chris

---

Hello Chris,

Some thoughts for you:

Ms. Confection

I’ve eaten your words
of vanilla and saffron,
pilfered from extracts
of orchid and crocus, ...read Dale's comments and agree; the "pilfered...crocus", while nice, didn't add much to the piece for me. In fact, they broke from the patter of the other stanzas, where origins are ignored in favor of introducing new flavors and topics.

suffered the blackened pod
and crimson stigma
you pressed into suspicious
razor-blade wafers. ..this stanza went over my head in terms of what it was trying to convey, especially the stigma and wafers

I swallowed macaroons
and marzipan swine,
shredded coconut figments
of raw pastry regrets. ...perhaps just from my reading at the moment, but I am not convinced that "of" is the best preposition in the stanza's fourth line

Cyanide rumors whispered
over embittered almonds
are your cloying toxic epistles,
their message deficient. ...this is a poem that feasts on adjectives, but I found them to be a bit overbearing in this stanza. That being said, the idea behind this stanza is my favorite in the piece

Unsavory is the confection ...the inverted structure to open the stanza gives it a much stronger punch
fabricated with honeyed contempt,
mince word pies in disguise
meted out half-baked. ...i was left thinking that the poem actually could be lengthened; this did not strike me as an ending. We get a number of stanzas about the lengths the speaker has endured, but just when we get a taste of a response, the poem ends somewhat cryptically. I am not sure just who is fabricating the "confection" at the close; still the "you" or has the table turned to the speaker (I apologize for being a bit tired at the moment, so it is entirely possible I've missed something huge!

hope this helps; thanks for the read!

It always helps! Much obliged for your time and critique Geoff. The poem may take too long to develop and I should rethink that first stanza, as it does differ from the others. The theme of the poem involves 'sweet' facades enclosing more sinister cores. The narrator's point of view is: Don't feed me your toxin-infused deserts. Vanilla and saffron are lovely, but they are obtained from a 'black pod' and 'blood red ovary' (crimson stigma). Stigmas are the female ovaries of flowers. Stigma is also a scar of dubious origin, a badge of dishonor. In your favorite stanza, I could trim some adjectives. I was thinking that 'cloying' could be dropped. The 'you' is the pastry chef and the narrator is enduring the sugar-laced poison on the dessert tray. Therefore, you have not lost track of the parties. It could be elaborated as you suggest. The ending reiterates the theme, i.e., a sugary veneer surrounding a bitter filling is unsavory. The abruptness represents that the narrator is done with a toxic manipulative relationship, albeit served as a confection. I just realized that the title should be Miss-Confection. Thanks again Geoff, I hope you get a good night sleep! Cheers/Chris

[jeremyyoung]

I prefer Ms Confection, less specific of marital status.

[ChristopherSea]

I prefer Ms Confection, less specific of marital status.

You don't think I need the title change to stress the mis-confection/non-confection message? Some did not catch it and thought the title conflicted with the poem.

[jeremyyoung]

Not really. I preferred the sound play of Ms Confection, and gives a certain character of correction that Miss/Mrs does not.

[ChristopherSea]

Not really. I preferred the sound play of Ms Confection, and gives a certain character of correction that Miss/Mrs does not.

Thanks, I like Ms. Confection as well, but I an quick to please a crowd.

[Erthona]

Chris,

I like Miss Confection (without the hyphen), it's sort of a play on the phrase Miss Conception.

I definitely like the 2nd version better. Much more clear.

Dale

[ChristopherSea]

Chris,

I like Miss Confection (without the hyphen), it's sort of a play on the phrase Miss Conception.

I definitely like the 2nd version better. Much more clear.

Dale

Right, much obliged for the help. All three of you!

[L Oquence]

I think that the poem is a good idea. However it feels a tad hard to understand, and I feel you could rely a bit less on descriptive words at all times. I think some of the vocabulary does not add much to the piece, and feels overbearing the overarching purpose of the play, in later revisions weigh every word heavily.

[ChristopherSea]

I think that the poem is a good idea. However it feels a tad hard to understand, and I feel you could rely a bit less on descriptive words at all times. I think some of the vocabulary does not add much to the piece, and feels overbearing the overarching purpose of the play, in later revisions weigh every word heavily.

Thanks for reading the piece and sharing your impressions. It is written in fairly plain language with common images as an extended metaphor.