Guilt

[beaufort]

Guilt

Guilt sits on its haunches and stares,
panting at my feet, begging at the table,
peering through the half-closed window of night.
A[/b] constant companion, unwanted but present -
like a drunken neighbor by the pool.

The child next door believes that she,
and she alone, caused her mother to cry,
her father to leave, her brother to wail,
as if the world itself was ending.

I scrub at the guilt on my own skin,
yet it clings to me, deep red stamen
stain of lilies on my blouse,
the lingering scent of ripened flowers -
when was I in that garden?

[Todd]

Hi Linda (right?),

I know this will sound abrupt. Just an opinion: While there is some nice writing in S1, I think you should cut it. You need the child to start the poem, and personified guilt feels like it was used to get you to where the poem actually started. S2

I love S2 and S3.

My only other suggestion is ending on a question here seems to lack something. Maybe,

I scrub at the guilt on my own skin,
yet it clings to me, deep red stamen--
the lingering scent of ripened flowers --
stain of lilies on my blouse.

Obviously, if I've committed sacrilege with your poem please revert to a previous version.

Just thoughts.

Best,

Todd

[beaufort]

Ok, thanks. I am glad to have the feedback, and abrupt is good. I'll think a bit and do a revision. Appreciate you. Linda

[milo]

I thought the personification of guilt was the weakest part of this, you might be served by eliminating that and referring to it indirectly.

Guilt

Guilt sits on its haunches and stares,

I love the word haunches, but what does it really add to sit?

panting at my feet, begging at the table,
peering through the half-closed window of night.
A constant companion, unwanted but present -
like a drunken neighbor by the pool.

You could eliminate the line that starts "A constant . ." entirely and not lose anything. A "drunk" neighbor is fine.

Pardon me I am just going to trim this next section a little it is too much to explain it all:

A child next door believes that she
caused her mother to cry,
her father to leave, her brother to wail,
as if the world was ending.

I am a little confused as to what "as if the world was ending" is modifying. Is the list of her families woes occurring as if the world was ending or is she crying as if the world was ending. I think crying as if the world was ending might be a tad bit cliche.

I scrub at the guilt on my own skin,

you don't need "own" it is implied in "my"

yet it clings to me, deep red stamen
stain of lilies on my blouse,

if ever you find you need 3 modifiers for a single noun you should really reconsider. In this case you have deep red and stamen all modifying stain. Also, as much as I love the word stamen, you should pretty much always avoid consonant slide alliteration in poetry (and in life).

the lingering scent of ripened flowers -
when was I in that garden?

The last line throws me a little bit. I am thinking "which" garden. I think tying guilt to a garden is good, it is the "that" that throws me.

Thanks for posting I hope my observations have been of some help.

[cidermaid]

Hi Linda,

I have to agree with the previous comments about stanza 1 being largly redundant. (I like "sit on haunches"...to me this suggested a state of semi sitting - hunckered down into a squat..instead of planted on your arse! Sits on haunches works for me).

I did not have so much trouble with the use of "that" in the last line. In my read I read this as an Eden referance and tied in the red stain of the stamen with the lilies of the garden being other men / killing Able guilt.

This said the ending is a bit weak as it is and I think this is the area that could most do with some re-thinking.


All the best AJ.

[beaufort]

I was aiming at the garden of Eden reference and the concept of original sin and that guilt seems to hang around everyone even though it is most often totally irrational.

Thanks to all of you for taking time to critique. I will take it all in and revisit the poem.

[milo]

I was aiming at the garden of Eden reference and the concept of original sin and that guilt seems to hang around everyone even though it is most often totally irrational.

Thanks to all of you for taking time to critique. I will take it all in and revisit the poem.

Yah, I figured it was eden which is why I don't like "that", it is usually referred to as the garden.

[Maya]

I love "sits on its haunches". It brings up, right in the first line, the mental image of a beast of some kind, which is then confirmed in the following lines. However, in S2 the poem goes from a metaphorical description of guilt to a present-moment situation of the girl next door. There is no transition and this was a little jarring. I enjoyed the comparison of the child's guilt and "my own"; however, ending on a question when no other question has been asked does feel weak and leaves the reader feeling unsatisfied.

[beaufort]

Thanks for your comments and time! I'm working on a revision that I hope will make it better and not worse!

[Polar Bear]

I must say, that to my untrained eye and ear, the question ending S3 moved me.

I felt it fit well with the flower analogy and the garden visual, a question like a whiff of the entire sentiment of the poem at the end.

[Mattisimo]

I really like the beginning here. You almost seem to make guilt seem comical while expressing its oppresivness. Its really cool