Spent

[Nick]

So I'm watchin' these two butterflies
Not big ones, like Monarchs
These ones are quarter size, yellow, and they're dancin' through the air
in a tango, kung fu, copulatin' kinda way

The longer I watch, the less I remember being tied to earth by thoughts of
rising gas prices
widowed mother
looming nuclear war
imminent terrorist attack
terminated tumescence
next years drought
and such

Up, down, circling, colliding, caressing-
all the while being drifted about by the breeze
over the grass, over the asphalt

Then a car comes by and WHAM!
they're gone
Off for the ride of their life on a Hyundai bumper


But for a moment I was no longer a man
I was a third butterfly, invisible and free

Now I stand here, molted by a machine
and hoping it was good for them

It was good for me

[justcloudy]

Hi Nick.

I really admire what youre trying to do with this and in some parts I love it, but sometimes it falls flat... Comments below.

So I'm watchin' these two butterflies
Not big ones, like Monarchs should that be capital? I dunno
These ones are quarter size, yellow, and they're dancin' through the air
in a tango, kung fu, copulatin' kinda way There's something about this that is very appealing. Don't forget punctuation.

The longer I watch, the less I remember being tied to earth by thoughts of
rising gas prices This part is pretty mundane. I think less obvious topics would be more witty. "My ice cream melting in the sun" sort of thing? Just a thought.
widowed mother
looming nuclear war
imminent terrorist attack
terminated tumescence What huh?
next years drought This is the only one I like, and it's pretty good imo. Don't forget posessive 's.
and such punctuation.

Up, down, circling, colliding, caressing- These 3 lines are a bit of a mess. I don't know what the subject is (the thoughts? the butterflies? I guess you're going for both, which is great but you need a subject here, and not just "they"). also, they're too wordy and not sufficiently interesting.
all the while being drifted about by the breeze
over the grass, over the asphalt

Then a car comes by and WHAM! This line could be so much more.
they're gone
Off for the ride of their life on a Hyundai bumper nice line. Punctuation.


But for a moment I was no longer a man awkward transition.
I was a third butterfly, invisible and free nice image, but since when are butterflies invisible? Worth elaborating on.

Now I stand here, molted by a machine
and hoping it was good for them I have no idea what these two lines mean.

It was good for me a bit trite. Ending on images makes poems more memorable

Overall lots of things to work on, but the skeleton is there and worth developing. Some good, strong images already, and lots of potential for many more.

-justcloudy

[ellajam]

Hi, Nick, I enjoyed this, here are a few notes.

So I'm watchin' these two butterflies
Not big ones, like Monarchs
These ones are quarter size, yellow, and they're dancin' through the air. I would cut "ones"
in a tango, kung fu, copulatin' kinda way nice line, brought up a series of images

The longer I watch, the less I remember being tied to earth by thoughts of
rising gas prices
widowed mother
looming nuclear war
imminent terrorist attack
terminated tumescence
next years drought
and such

I think the poem would benefit from cutting the above section, the list at a minimum. You address your involvement later on.

Up, down, circling, colliding, caressing- not sold on caressing
all the while being drifted about by the breeze
over the grass, over the asphalt

Then a car comes by and WHAM!
they're gone
Off for the ride of their life on a Hyundai bumper I like this section but it's not the ride of their life, probably dead on impact


But for a moment I was no longer a man
I was a third butterfly, invisible and free

Now I stand here, molted by a machine molted?
and hoping it was good for them

It was good for me Nice ending

Just a few thoughts.
This was a fun read, thanks for posting it.

[Graystar]

Hi Nick,
Excellent poetic ideas here that are solid, descriptive and leading. I love, absolutely the title.

So I'm watchin' these two butterflies
Not big ones, like Monarchs Need a comma
These ones are quarter size, yellow, and they're dancin' through the air Need lower case these and drop ones
in a tango, kung fu, copulatin' kinda way. Love this

The longer I watch, the less I remember being tied to earth by thoughts of
rising gas prices
widowed mother
looming nuclear war
imminent terrorist attack
terminated tumescence why terminated? I looked up tumescence, how does terminated apply?
next years drought
and such

Up, down, circling, colliding, caressing- I followed this, I knew it was the butterflies and your own anxiety and your own melding into being freE but maybe I read too much into it, I also thought it could be written with deliberate line breaks
Up, down
Circling, colliding
Caressing
all the while being drifted about by the breeze
over the grass, over the asphalt. Need a period

Then a car comes by and WHAM! Show wham without using the word and make shorter stanza
they're gone
Off for the ride of their life on a Hyundai bumper


But for a moment I was no longer a man
I was a third butterfly, invisible and free

Now I stand here, molted by a machine Awkward with molted but I see what you are going for could you tie in your title here: Now climaxed by machine
I stand here hoping it was good for them.
It was good for me,
and hoping it was good for them
It was good for me. Need punctuation, nice line

oh please please readjust a few bits, I loved your concept!

[Nick]

Hi Nick.

I really admire what youre trying to do with this and in some parts I love it, but sometimes it falls flat... Comments below.

So I'm watchin' these two butterflies
Not big ones, like Monarchs should that be capital? I dunno
Wikipedia caps it.
These ones are quarter size, yellow, and they're dancin' through the air
in a tango, kung fu, copulatin' kinda way There's something about this that is very appealing. Don't forget punctuation.
The punctuation you are looking for has not been not forgotten. It has been eschewed.

The longer I watch, the less I remember being tied to earth by thoughts of
rising gas prices This part is pretty mundane. I think less obvious topics would be more witty. "My ice cream melting in the sun" sort of thing? Just a thought. I appreciate the thought. My intention with the list is to show how mundanely we tend to muse with our minds.
widowed mother
looming nuclear war
imminent terrorist attack
terminated tumescence What huh? Probably a guy thing.
next years drought This is the only one I like, and it's pretty good imo. Don't forget posessive 's. That possesive ' tends to mystify me.
and such punctuation.

Up, down, circling, colliding, caressing- These 3 lines are a bit of a mess. I don't know what the subject is (the thoughts? the butterflies? I guess you're going for both, which is great but you need a subject here, and not just "they"). also, they're too wordy and not sufficiently interesting.
all the while being drifted about by the breeze
over the grass, over the asphalt

Then a car comes by and WHAM! This line could be so much more.
they're gone
Off for the ride of their life on a Hyundai bumper nice line. Punctuation.


But for a moment I was no longer a man awkward transition.
I was a third butterfly, invisible and free nice image, but since when are butterflies invisible? Worth elaborating on. The butterflies are never invisible. The man, due to his attention on them, was transported from meat to flutter.
Now I stand here, molted by a machine
and hoping it was good for them I have no idea what these two lines mean. A form of change in 3D is achieved by molting. The casting off of the current appearance. Snakes shed their skin. Butterflies emerge from a cocoon that a caterpillar entered. And the narrator (re)appeared when the car WHAMMED! away his connection to the winged world.

It was good for me a bit trite. Ending on images makes poems more memorable

Overall lots of things to work on, but the skeleton is there and worth developing. Some good, strong images already, and lots of potential for many more.

-justcloudy

Thanks for your comments. I responded to some to aid clarification for you.

[justcloudy]

Thanks for the clarification. Will we be seeing an edit soon?

[tigrflye]

So I'm watchin' these two butterflies
Not big ones, like Monarchs
These ones are quarter size, yellow, and they're dancin' through the air - cut ones
in a tango, kung fu, copulatin' kinda way I picture ninja sex - nice

The longer I watch, the less I remember being tied to earth by thoughts of
rising gas prices
widowed mother
looming nuclear war
imminent terrorist attack
terminated tumescence
next years drought
and such
this is my least favorite stanza. I like "the longer I watch, the less I remember"
And then I would rather less lists and more personal images. Or perhaps just "the longer I watch, the less I remember."

Up, down, circling, colliding, caressing-
all the while being drifted about by the breeze
over the grass, over the asphalt I like the movement. I like "caressing". I get an image of their wings fluttering together

Then a car comes by and WHAM!
they're gone. Capital T. ?
Off for the ride of their life on a Hyundai bumper


But for a moment I was no longer a man cut the "but"?
I was a third butterfly, invisible and free

Now I stand here, molted by a machine
and hoping it was good for them

It was good for me I really like the ending. It made me smile, even after the butterflies just got pulverized

I have come back to read this poem several times. I am actually surprised I haven't commented before. I like the little journey this poem takes me on. I'm not sure about the title though.
Thanks,
Jenn

[Nick]

tigrflye- thanks for your comments. I am changing the original (which exists on paper) to incorporate some of them. I do believe you get what I was trying to show with this poem. Thanks again.

justcloudy- for the moment I am editing my paper bound originals to employ various suggestions. Thanks for your help.

Graystar- "why terminated" After the body you are in (presuming your gender to be male) passes sixty years of life I believe this question will be answered more eloquently than I ever could with a few typed words transmitted via the internet. Thanks for your suggestions. As I said in previous responses to others I (for now) am making any changes on paper. Glad you enjoyed this little ditty. I never see two gamboling butterflies without watching my mind drift towards them on the spirit of this piece.

[71degrees]

So I'm watchin' these two butterflies
Not big ones, like Monarchs
These ones are quarter size, yellow, and they're dancin' through the air
in a tango, kung fu, copulatin' kinda way

The longer I watch, the less I remember being tied to earth by thoughts of
rising gas prices
widowed mother
looming nuclear war
imminent terrorist attack
terminated tumescence
next years drought
and such

Up, down, circling, colliding, caressing-
all the while being drifted about by the breeze
over the grass, over the asphalt

Then a car comes by and WHAM!
they're gone
Off for the ride of their life on a Hyundai bumper


But for a moment I was no longer a man
I was a third butterfly, invisible and free

Now I stand here, molted by a machine
and hoping it was good for them

It was good for me


Try it in present tense throughout. Might iron out some of the criticism that others have pointed out. Anytime the tense jumps back and forth, it distracts.

Example toward the end: "But for a moment I AM no longer a man
I AM a third butterfly, invisible and free

Also, a bit more rhyme here and there might spread that "Dr. Seuss" kind of "out there" atmosphere you have created so nicely.

I enjoyed this. It lifted me into the butterfly's world for a moment. Not every poem can say that.

[Nick]

So I'm watchin' these two butterflies
Not big ones, like Monarchs
These ones are quarter size, yellow, and they're dancin' through the air
in a tango, kung fu, copulatin' kinda way

The longer I watch, the less I remember being tied to earth by thoughts of
rising gas prices
widowed mother
looming nuclear war
imminent terrorist attack
terminated tumescence
next years drought
and such

Up, down, circling, colliding, caressing-
all the while being drifted about by the breeze
over the grass, over the asphalt

Then a car comes by and WHAM!
they're gone
Off for the ride of their life on a Hyundai bumper


But for a moment I was no longer a man
I was a third butterfly, invisible and free

Now I stand here, molted by a machine
and hoping it was good for them

It was good for me


Try it in present tense throughout. Might iron out some of the criticism that others have pointed out. Anytime the tense jumps back and forth, it distracts.

Example toward the end: "But for a moment I AM no longer a man
I AM a third butterfly, invisible and free

Also, a bit more rhyme here and there might spread that "Dr. Seuss" kind of "out there" atmosphere you have created so nicely.

I enjoyed this. It lifted me into the butterfly's world for a moment. Not every poem can say that.

Thanks.

[Simatong]

I really enjoyed this, though the last few lines kind of confused me a bit:
"Now I stand here, molted by a machine
and hoping it was good for them

It was good for me"

I kind of understand, but the confusion kind of made it a little difficult to connect with it.

This was my favorite part:
"These ones are quarter size, yellow, and they're dancin' through the air
in a tango, kung fu, copulatin' kinda way

The longer I watch, the less I remember being tied to earth by thoughts of
rising gas prices
widowed mother
looming nuclear war
imminent terrorist attack
terminated tumescence
next years drought
and such"
("Terminated tumescence" kind of threw me, but the rest of the noted lines were beautiful to me!)