Drugs

[rowens]

A spider is a drug,
hallucinatory; though not fatal,
not light recreation.

To see a large spider
is to see them everywhere for days.
The hairs on my legs brush my pants,
I swat blindly below my knee,
my leg jumps.

Whenever I see large spiders,
I see them out of the corners of my eyes
everywhere, I see them when I close my eyes,
I see and feel them crawling on me
and make them out of all the shadows and light.

Some spiders are poison.
That first night after I've seen one
in the pale light that burns my eyes
with sleepless, dry staring;
I never notice the hairs on my legs more.

Especially the hairs at the inner bend
of my knee. Nor do I notice as much
how often my pants rise and
fall at the lower part of my knee.
It's a strange feeling for something
that happens all the time
and not to notice.

I hear a muffled but high-pitched
radio somewhere outside
through my wall.
I know that spiders don't make sounds like that;
but I don't know.

I don't need drugs to feel these things:
all drugs are poison.
To see a spider, for me,
is to take a drug in through the eyes,
and to feel something rather than nothing.

I'm not sure that I wouldn't prefer
to feel nothing.