The Monster - Need Feedback

[aaa1993]

What do u guys think of this poem,
I've wanted to write a poem about my life for some time now, so I decided to give it a try. What do you guys think ?

A real thing, occurred to me,
A real thing, it´s all it´s been,
still now, we don’t know why,
yet then, shall we now say.

Did it grow from the soil,
I don’t know,
Did it grow from the sky,
We don’t know,
Yet I do, and it did.

And so it did,
for some time,
and green it was,
for even less,
but forevermore did it exist,
or so I hoped for it to be.

Will it withstand, the winter winds,
Will it survive, the bullets thrust,
Will it endure the monsters path,
for me to say that is not,
for me to wish it is.

And so I hid inside a cave,
and relentlessly stared,
for it to fade, i hoped
what a coward that i was.

For the years to come,
I remained in there,
and for a while I voyaged,
into the books that where my hands,
and to my awe I unearthed,
secrets which I had buried,
and long ago forgotten.

So I discovered,
that there I was, nowhere but at home,
concealed in the cave that was my room,
dodging the bullets that people were,
being afraid of a monster, which had grown in me,
but which existence I had not known.

[billy]

it's a start.
it pretty much needs a rewrite, most of my stuff pretty much needed rewrites so don't panic.

make every word and line count.
the 1st five stanza don't say enough to stay in the poem
if it's about your life make it about your life, show us what happened to you and it.
have another go and just write your life out as quick as you can, don't use lines like you did in the 1 four or five stanza.

here's a clip from my life:
"Shut the fuck up whelp"
was always followed by the navies belt
that struck like a viper, bruised with a lick.....

use your own words and see if you can show us instead of tell

What do u guys think of this poem,
I've wanted to write a poem about my life for some time now, so I decided to give it a try. What do you guys think ?

A real thing, occurred to me,
A real thing, it´s all it´s been,
still now, we don’t know why,
yet then, shall we now say.

Did it grow from the soil,
I don’t know,
Did it grow from the sky,
We don’t know,
Yet I do, and it did.

And so it did,
for some time,
and green it was,
for even less,
but forevermore did it exist,
or so I hoped for it to be.

Will it withstand, the winter winds,
Will it survive, the bullets thrust,
Will it endure the monsters path,
for me to say that is not,
for me to wish it is.

And so I hid inside a cave,
and relentlessly stared,
for it to fade, i hoped
what a coward that i was.

For the years to come,
I remained in there,
and for a while I voyaged,
into the books that where my hands,
and to my awe I unearthed,
secrets which I had buried,
and long ago forgotten.

So I discovered,
that there I was, nowhere but at home,
concealed in the cave that was my room,
dodging the bullets that people were,
being afraid of a monster, which had grown in me,
but which existence I had not known.

[wretchedblind]

I like seeing the flaws within a start.