Molded by me
#1
edit 2
My heaven's shape will not be constant;
its fluid sides will undulate
like those giant bubbles I made
in the garden at four years old--
rainbow-prisons that colored the air.

My heaven will smell like mountainous slopes
from long ago, off highways outside Rio--
heady wet soil and wild bouquets
dirtied my toddler hands
as fresh storms filled the air.

My heaven will sound like my sister's fingers
when they fly over ivory and pound
out the melodies I hoard under guise,
as notes and silence hover
in the slowly stalling air.




edit 1
My heaven's shape will not be constant
its fluid sides will undulate
like those giant bubbles I made
in the garden at four years old-
rainbow-prisons floating through air.

My heaven will smell like mountainous slopes
off highways outside Rio-
trashheap smoke winds from damp ditches,
heady wet soil and tiny pink blooms
color my toddler hands. Eyes widen,
breath deepens, as fresh storms fill the air.

My heaven will sound like my sister's fingers
when they fly over ivory and pound
out the melodies I hoard under guise,
as notes and silence hover
in the slowly stalling air.





original
My heaven's shape will not be constant
its fluid sides will undulate
like those giant bubbles I made
in the garden at four years old-
floating rainbow-prisons
of lullabies.

My heaven will smell like the slope
off that mountain highway outside Rio-
solid green pocked by pink and red
heady mist lying heavy on shoulders
as fresh storm fills the air.

My heaven will sound like my sister's fingers
when they fly over ivory and pound
out the melodies in my soul
as notes and silence hover
in the deeply moving air.
_______________________________________
The howling beast is back.
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#2
Hi cloudy,

Just a few minor comments for you:

(11-11-2013, 08:33 AM)justcloudy Wrote:  My heaven's shape will not be constant
its fluid sides will undulate
like those giant bubbles I made
in the garden at four years old-
floating rainbow-prisons
of lullabies.--This strophe is my favorite. It uses the image well, and makes heaven both a prison and a bedtime story at the same time. Great economy and imagery here

My heaven will smell like the slope
off that mountain highway outside Rio-
solid green pocked by pink and red
heady mist lying heavy on shoulders--None of this except for the next line actually has me smell much of anything. I think this is where you may need to work on it
as fresh storm fills the air.

My heaven will sound like my sister's fingers--I really like this line and especially the line break
when they fly over ivory and pound
out the melodies in my soul
as notes and silence hover
in the deeply moving air.
It's a nice little piece. I didn't dislike the conclusion, but I felt there is a big drop off from S1.

Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#3
I like your piece. The middle lines in the second stanza seem to me to be the only weaker part - would also like the last stanza to tie in a bit more to the first. Overall I think it is lovely, reads well, and has great potential. Thanks for sharing it.
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#4
(11-11-2013, 08:33 AM)justcloudy Wrote:  My heaven's shape will not be constant
its fluid sides will undulate
like those giant bubbles I made
in the garden at four years old-
floating rainbow-prisons
of lullabies. Is this line needed? "Rainbow prisons" would be a fine ending. That aside, I love this verse. It's delicate and featherweight, really beautiful in its profound, poignant softness.

My heaven will smell like the slope
off that mountain highway outside Rio-
solid green pocked by pink and red
heady mist lying heavy on shoulders
as fresh storm fills the air. Should an "a" come before "fresh storm"? Again, though, that aside, this is a great verse. The shift in focus from memory and fantasy to a real, sensual landscape is handled well.

My heaven will sound like my sister's fingers
when they fly over ivory and pound
out the melodies in my soul I'm not crazy about "in my soul", but then I never like "soul" in poems. It's kind of a corny and obvious word, IMO. Though that may be because I spent my teen years reading "confessional" poems, which throw it around like emo confettiBig Grin
as notes and silence hover
in the deeply moving air. Is "deeply" needed? This is a nice way to end the poem, though, with a return to memory and introduction of family.

I really really liked this poem. It's one of those rare ones which deals with a "spiritual" theme but isn't too weighed down by egotism. My critique is JMHO, of course. Thank you for the readSmile
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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#5
Thanks all for the comments and suggestions!

Todd, honestly I tend to agree with you. I was already considering cutting it down to just the first strophe and leaving it at that. But short poems make me nervous. ;p

I've been working on the second strophe in my head all day. We'll see what ends up tumbling out.

-justcloudy

PS Heslopian I generally hate "soul" too, but couldn't think of anything else. Will play with it.
_______________________________________
The howling beast is back.
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#6
Edit up. I haven't decided my feelings towards it yet. Thoughts appreciated.

-justcloudy
_______________________________________
The howling beast is back.
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#7
I am new here so forgive my stumbling attempts at doing critique. I am not sure there is a great deal for me to say actually as I really, really liked this.

My heaven's shape will not be constant
its fluid sides will undulate
like those giant bubbles I made
in the garden at four years old-
rainbow-prisons floating through air. - love this, really beautiful and wistful. It gave me a sense of a delicate space. I wonder if 'floating rainbow-prisons' is worth considering - it seems obvious that they are in the air.

My heaven will smell like mountainous slopes
off highways outside Rio-
trashheap smoke winds from damp ditches,
heady wet soil and tiny pink blooms
color my toddler hands. Eyes widen,
breath deepens, as fresh storms fill the air. - I really got the sense of the damp ditches and smoke winds, I stumbled a bit at the pink blooms - the image is lovely it felt like a change in tense and made me have to re-read.

My heaven will sound like my sister's fingers
when they fly over ivory and pound
out the melodies I hoard under guise,
as notes and silence hover
in the slowly stalling air. - the lines about your sister are my favourite, really lovely.

Hard to critique really because I liked it so much.
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#8
My heaven's shape will not be constant
its fluid sides will undulate
like those giant bubbles I made
in the garden at four years old-
rainbow-prisons floating through air. -I quite enjoy this imagery, but I find the wording could perhaps be more direct. Also, a puncuation mark is needed after the first line.

My heaven will smell like mountainous slopes
off highways outside Rio-
trashheap smoke winds from damp ditches,
heady wet soil and tiny pink blooms
color my toddler hands. Eyes widen,
breath deepens, as fresh storms fill the air.- I find the shift in verb tense somewhat problematic, especially as it is out of line with the tense of the first stanza. Otherwise quite nice.

My heaven will sound like my sister's fingers
when they fly over ivory and pound
out the melodies I hoard under guise,
as notes and silence hover
in the slowly stalling air. - The line break after 'pound' is astonishing. Also 'hoard under guise', though I would be interested to know what the guise is, and why. But this would actually be my favourite stanza.



original
My heaven's shape will not be constant
its fluid sides will undulate
like those giant bubbles I made
in the garden at four years old-
floating rainbow-prisons
of lullabies.

My heaven will smell like the slope
off that mountain highway outside Rio-
solid green pocked by pink and red
heady mist lying heavy on shoulders
as fresh storm fills the air.

My heaven will sound like my sister's fingers
when they fly over ivory and pound
out the melodies in my soul
as notes and silence hover
in the deeply moving air.
[/quote]
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#9
Thank you Stephanie. ^___^

That line actually was "floating rainbow-prisons" in the original version. I changed it so that all three strophes would end in "air." But I'm not sure if the change was worth it, as you pointed out.

-justcloudy
_______________________________________
The howling beast is back.
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#10
Ah I missed that about the air thing! I can see why you have it in now.
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#11
Hi lucent, sorry, I replied to Stephanie 2 minutes after you posted and then didn't see yours until now.

Thanks for the comments, especially about the second strophe, I hadn't caught that tense issue, and see how it is a bit awkward. I'll work on it. =]

-justcloudy
_______________________________________
The howling beast is back.
Reply
#12
Hi Cloudy,

A couple comments on the latest edit:

(11-11-2013, 08:33 AM)justcloudy Wrote:  edit 2
My heaven's shape will not be constant;
its fluid sides will undulate
like those giant bubbles I made
in the garden at four years old--
rainbow-prisons that color the air.--color the air is a nice upgrade on an already great stophe

My heaven will smell like mountainous slopes
from long ago, off highways outside Rio--
heady wet soil and wild bouquets--This gives me the smells I wanted from this part.
dirtied my toddler hands
as fresh storms filled the air.

My heaven will sound like my sister's fingers
when they fly over ivory and pound
out the melodies I hoard under guise,--I think could cut under guise. I hoard is an upgrade to soul in any event
as notes and silence hover
in the slowly stalling air.--I'm still not sure what I think of slowly stalling. There's a part of me hoping that you'll find one word to replace this construction. That said, I'm have mixed feelings about the way you have it here. It works, but there may be better options. None of which come to mind, but still you get what I'm saying.
The poem's coming together well.

Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Reply
#13
(11-11-2013, 08:33 AM)justcloudy Wrote:  edit 2
My heaven's shape will not be constant;
its fluid sides will undulate
like those giant bubbles I made
in the garden at four years old--
rainbow-prisons that color the air.

My heaven will smell like mountainous slopes
from long ago, off highways outside Rio--
heady wet soil and wild bouquets
dirtied my toddler hands
as fresh storms filled the air.

My heaven will sound like my sister's fingers
when they fly over ivory and pound
out the melodies I hoard under guise,
as notes and silence hover
in the slowly stalling air.




edit 1
My heaven's shape will not be constant
its fluid sides will undulate
like those giant bubbles I made
in the garden at four years old-
rainbow-prisons floating through air.

My heaven will smell like mountainous slopes
off highways outside Rio-
trashheap smoke winds from damp ditches,
heady wet soil and tiny pink blooms
color my toddler hands. Eyes widen,
breath deepens, as fresh storms fill the air.

My heaven will sound like my sister's fingers
when they fly over ivory and pound
out the melodies I hoard under guise,
as notes and silence hover
in the slowly stalling air.





original
My heaven's shape will not be constant
its fluid sides will undulate
like those giant bubbles I made
in the garden at four years old-
floating rainbow-prisons
of lullabies.

My heaven will smell like the slope
off that mountain highway outside Rio-
solid green pocked by pink and red
heady mist lying heavy on shoulders
as fresh storm fills the air.

My heaven will sound like my sister's fingers
when they fly over ivory and pound
out the melodies in my soul
as notes and silence hover
in the deeply moving air.

Good morning cloudy! I like this a lot. I am probably late to the game, as you have already edited your poem twice. Nonetheless, there are a couple little bumps for me in this wonderful piece. ‘when four years old’ sounds better than ‘at’. I kept reading ‘colored the air’ to maintain tense (see if that holds for you). Something like ‘glide’ may fare better than ‘fly’ and ‘pound’ comes off a bit discordant, but I am uncertain what to substitute (perhaps strike or sing). Also, I want to know ‘under' what 'guise’? Some thoughts, should you want to edit further. Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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#14
Thank you Todd, always appreciate your comments. Glad that I finally delivered the smells. ;p I wanted to write "slowly stale-ing air" but it looks so ugly even though it sounds so nice that I thought "stalling" was an okay if meager substitute... I'll think on it.

Thanks as well Chris for the thoughts. Yes about "colored", I'll change that. Gotta disagree about "when" vs "at" though, sorry. A lot of people haven't liked the "guise" so I may cut it, but I was trying to show that what I'm hoarding isn't what others outside my brain would think is in there. If that makes sense. Honestly I chose fly because her fingers really do fly all over more than they glide. I was intending pound to be discordant because a lot of the time the jazzy pieces I love are unsettling, and include notes that don't feel like they fit the song or the instrument or the classiness of the situation. So I guess I got what I wanted, hehe.

-justcloudy
_______________________________________
The howling beast is back.
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