To a Nation

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Edit 1

Slowly slowly catchy monkey,
the monkey sparks, the house burns down

Quietly, quietly, listen closely,
to strained confessions of boastful clowns

Quickly, quickly, I hear them coming,
the clumsy beat of feet on ground

So wakie wakie you sleepy nation,
this rabid dog will hunt you down

And from your wounds will grow no roses,
just death's stale stench there will be found.

Original

Slowly slowly catchy monkey,
the monkey catches, the house burns down

Quietly, quietly, listen closely,
to stained confessions of an egotistic clown

Quickly, quickly, I hear them coming,
the clumsy beat of feet on ground

So wakie wakie you sleepy nation,
the dogs of war have hunt you down

And from your wounds will grow no roses,
just deaths stale stench will there be found.

[Todd]

Hi Jae,

Nice piece. Here are some comments for you:

Slowly slowly catchy monkey,
the monkey catches, the house burns down--I like the cadence of this. I picture a juggling monkey catching torches. I may be off but I think line two may work better with misses

Quietly, quietly, listen closely,
to stained confessions of an egotistic clownstained or strained? Clown may work better as clowns.

Quickly, quickly, I hear them coming,
the clumsy beat of feet on ground

So wakie wakie you sleepy nation,
the dogs of war have hunt you down--Might be a better substitute for the cliched dogs of war. If you keep it maybe replace have with will

And from your wounds will grow no roses,
just deaths stale stench will there be found.--there will instead of will there probably. death's. I like the contrast with the roses, and I really like the roses line.

Just some thoughts,

Todd

[justcloudy]

Hi Jae

Love the rhythm of this, works well with the theme. Some thoughts below.

Slowly slowly catchy monkey,
the monkey catches, the house burns down not a fan of "catch" being repeated...

Quietly, quietly, listen closely,
to stained confessions of an egotistic clown this line breaks the rhythm and I stumble every time. needs to be shorter.

Quickly, quickly, I hear them coming,
the clumsy beat of feet on ground

So wakie wakie you sleepy nation, love wakie =]
the dogs of war have hunt you down it's either "will hunt" as Todd suggested or "have hunted" to be grammatically correct.

And from your wounds will grow no roses,
just deaths stale stench will there be found. I'm with Todd here. "death's", and "there will" and yes the roses line is fabulous.

Hope that's helpful. Really enjoyed it!

-justcloudy

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Hi Jae,

Nice piece. Here are some comments for you:

Slowly slowly catchy monkey,
the monkey catches, the house burns down--I like the cadence of this. I picture a juggling monkey catching torches. I may be off but I think line two may work better with misses

Quietly, quietly, listen closely,
to stained confessions of an egotistic clownstained or strained? Clown may work better as clowns.

Quickly, quickly, I hear them coming,
the clumsy beat of feet on ground

So wakie wakie you sleepy nation,
the dogs of war have hunt you down--Might be a better substitute for the cliched dogs of war. If you keep it maybe replace have with will

And from your wounds will grow no roses,
just deaths stale stench will there be found.--there will instead of will there probably. death's. I like the contrast with the roses, and I really like the roses line.

Just some thoughts,

Todd

Thanks Todd for the reply.
I took some of your edits, so thanks for them.
Just a few points.
For me the line "monkey catches" in my head was a monkey catching fire and burning down the house.
So maybe I'll take a look at that
The dogs of war cliché was intended, but yes you where right changed have for will.
Thanks again

Edit: Also thank you justcloudy for your comments.
They are much appreciated.

[justcloudy]

Jae,

Now that you explain the monkey catching line I like it. But only after the explanation.

-justcloudy

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Jae,

Now that you explain the monkey catching line I like it. But only after the explanation.

-justcloudy

Yeah I totally get that, but I don't know how to change it without losing the cheeky image I got in my head.

[ellajam]

Jae,

Now that you explain the monkey catching line I like it. But only after the explanation.

-justcloudy

Yeah I totally get that, but I don't know how to change it without losing the cheeky image I got in my head.

monkey catches spark?

[Graystar]

Edit 1

Slowly slowly catchy monkey,
the monkey catches, the house burns down

Quietly, quietly, listen closely,
to strained confessions of egotistic clowns how about angry instead of egotistic?

Quickly, quickly, I hear them coming,
the clumsy beat of feet on ground

So wakie wakie you sleepy nation,
this rabid dog will hunt you down. Good change!

And from your wounds will grow no roses, how about from your wounds no roses grow?
just death's stale stench there will be found. Leave out there

Original

Slowly slowly catchy monkey,
the monkey catches, the house burns down

Quietly, quietly, listen closely,
to stained confessions of an egotistic clown

Quickly, quickly, I hear them coming,
the clumsy beat of feet on ground

So wakie wakie you sleepy nation,
the dogs of war have hunt you down

And from your wounds will grow no roses,
just deaths stale stench will there be found.

[aaa1993]

Jae,


Slowly slowly catchy monkey,
the monkey catches, the house burns down -- replace catches

Quietly, quietly, listen closely,
to strained confessions of egotistic clowns -- boastful instead of egotistic

Quickly, quickly, I hear them coming,
the clumsy beat of feet on ground -- love this even if its a bit of a cliche

So wakie wakie you sleepy nation,
this rabid dog will hunt you down

And from your wounds will grow no roses,
just death's stale stench there will be found. -- nice alliteration

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Jae,


Slowly slowly catchy monkey,
the monkey catches, the house burns down -- replace catches

Quietly, quietly, listen closely,
to strained confessions of egotistic clowns -- boastful instead of egotistic

Quickly, quickly, I hear them coming,
the clumsy beat of feet on ground -- love this even if its a bit of a cliche

So wakie wakie you sleepy nation,
this rabid dog will hunt you down

And from your wounds will grow no roses,
just death's stale stench there will be found. -- nice alliteration

Thanks to all for the replies.
aaa1993: boastful clowns is a great swap as on this line I was thinking of a media group.
Thanks for the input.